F.A.Q. Advice for the 21st Century

FAQ Chapter 44…wzbasportsradio…Phoenix

Warren sat at the airport Internet terminal and gently tapped the keyboard, favoring his bandaged right wrist.

He signed on to his web site, F.A.Q….Advice For the 21st Century.

 

Dear Warmatch,

I’m a airline mechanic who has amassed a great amount of wealth taking bribes from airline upper management to falsify maintenance records of Jumbo jets for major carriers. I’ve moved from airline to airline over my twenty year career.

I’m not a bad guy. I’m a member of the national guard, give ten percent of my money to the New Hope Baptist church, coach little league baseball, and pose as Santa Claus every Christmas.

I’ve never caused a major problem with any aircraft, but the rules the FAA tries to impose are archaic. I mean, we have to check every rubber gasket, every rivet, every two months?

Ridiculous! These planes are engineered too well to require this kind of maintenance. These babies need to be in the air, not in some hanger surrounded by a group of mechanics on overtime discussing the pros and cons of fiberglass pools, whether it’s preferable to own a boxer or a rotweiller for home protection, and the latest prices from the ramp rats for hot cameras, watches, and digital cameras.

My problem is this. I’ve got my town trying to impose building ordinances in an attempt to block my construction of a tennis court, a basketball court, and an Olympic size pool on my property.

They don’t understand. I need a palace to assuage my guilt.

Plus my kids are teenagers, and my son needs all the help he can get to attract babes. Lord help me, I think he takes after his Uncle Dan, an airline mechanic. Smart, but UUUGGGlllyyy!

How much cash do I take with me to the town hall to guarantee a successful purchase of the mayor and the three aldermen who control the variances?

I’ve tried to feel them out, but they respond to me with e-mails. Attached to the e-mails are files containing the entire Tiffany’s catalog, brochures from plastic surgery spas in Sweden, and one picture of a high rise in Japan!

Shite!

signed,

Pat McCord

 

Hey Patty,

You’re a pretty disgusting human being.

But I do admire you’re longevity.

I’ve listened to the new Dr, John CD in it’s entirety five times in an attempt to resolve your dilemma.

Here’s what you do.

Build the four town members involved matching facilities.

Build your facility.

Then build one for the town.

Then, sue the township to recover all the money you spent building ‘tax-exempt eyesores, facilities for corrupt politicians, who forced you to construct these unnecessary burdens on the good taxpayers.

Then run for mayor.

Once you’re mayor, drop the lawsuit, publically apologize to the former town officials, declare bygones be bygones, and put yourself in charge of maintenance records of the police cruiser fleet, just to keep your hand in.

 

Agent Warren,

I’m a successful actor.

No, really! I’ve been in some major films.

Last week, one the nations major newspapers contacted me about doing a piece for their Sunday magazine featuring yours truly.

I posed on my leather sofa (bought by my dad) wearing a snappy outfit from L.L.Bean (charged to one of my girlfriend’s American Express cards) flashing my A-smile (Bonding work done by my college roommate on the arm).

My problem is this.

When all my friends in the biz see my filmography in print I’ll be confirmed as one of those actors with great looks who couldn’t get above the level of say a ‘Pamela Anderson boyfriend’, or ‘the guy DeNiro shot in the back four minutes into the film, no dialogue,’ and I’ll never shake my B-Movie label.

I’m thinking of putting in some false credits.

I know I’ll get caught, but in Hollywood getting caught could be good for your career.

My next movie, I could be the guy who gets to play the doctor who gives Pamela Anderson a physical, a much juicer part.

Do I co-star in the Deer Hunter 4, be the voice of Shrek, or the new lead in Basic Instinct 3?

 

Hey Oscar,

I called an old friend of mine, a movie critic for a leading Miami newspaper, and he knows you! He advised me to advise you to only make minor adjustments to your resume.

He’s sent me a list, which I’ve sent to you.

These are AOL chatrooms where male models spend all their down time.

Monitor these for a while, and you should get some great ideas on manipulating your resume that are subtle, yet effective.

These guys may act dumb, but they know how to work the machine.

Good luck, and say hi to Carmen Elektra for me.

 

Hey War64,

I play acoustic guitar in a cover band.

We’re a group of seven (including a sax! Cool!) that covers Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, and after a few beers, Bob Dylan songs (only ones from the seventies.)

Technically, we’re great.

That’s because of me. I’m a pocket protector Palm Pilot waving cell phone on the belt gal from way back.

I have a great job at Ricardo Technologies designing light optics that deliver so much information down the pipeline in a nanosecond even Leonardo Da Vinci would appreciate it.

I discovered I needed another challenge a few months back, and started an innocent little web site with a few favorite CD tracks and a version of Ms. Pac-Man, downloadable for free. Just for laughs I began to add other programs and started charging by the minute.

Now, today, I’ve got a full blown pirate situation on my hands. It seems I’m too good for my own good.

My site has been reviewed in Internet Pirate magazine as ‘the fastest, by gigawatts’, Internet Freedom E-Zine says, ‘The Bluebeard of the Internet has finally arrived.’

I’m addicted to the notoriety.

So today, I’m uploading the programming code for the new X-Box.

And the Radio Shack parts numbers for the pieces you’d need to build you’re own hardware.

The latest game box for thirty two dollars and twelve hours of your time.

Cool!

Does all this make me a bad person?

 

Hey Gamegirl,

I’ve enclosed in an e-mail to you the address of a prominent Internet attorney, who by the way, downloaded Office Turbo, the version you updated on your own. He sends his thanks.

I guess you’ve been out of the loop for the last day or so.

The splash page for ASK.com and Yahoo! is displaying your picture and a big wanted sign (actually, a very cool graphic!)

Maybe it’s not to late to run, but hey, I think you can get off with a warning and probably a promotion at Ricardo Technologies if you turn yourself in, digitally of course! Remember, ‘It don’t take a weatherman to know which way the wind blows’, I believe is how our friend Bob put it, back before he thought performing his concerts while wearing a bathrobe was the way to go.

 

Warren felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to face a man in Eddie Bauer polo and a nice set of Dockers. His female companion wore a L.A. Clampetts jersey from 1965 over a tight fitting Elizabeth Ashley white knit top accentuating her creamy dark skin. She also wore pre-washed denims and a pair of Chuck Taylor All Stars with the G-shock absorption pads.

“Mr. Piece?” asked the man.

Warren stood and turned, extending his hand.

“You’re from Western Union, and have the cash wired from off the coast?”

“Close. I’m Louis Pasture and this is my companion, Yasmine Stirrup. I called you when you were in Seattle about laying odds on that one on one with Claymation and Deadburn. Remember?”

“I remember Yasmine was doing laps in the pool in a very charming nature suit,” Mad Wolf Sherman said as he extended his hand toward Louis. “Hi, I’m Mad Wolf Sherman and I’m damn glad to meet ya’.”

Jamal said, “Yo, Wolf, reel in your tongue old school. Hi, Yas, I’ve got a digital camera in my pack if you want to make a quick airport movie. I see me as a weary traveler just put off my fifth flight in a row. A homey who is just trying to get back to see his momma before she dies of a lung disease she got from inhaling vapors from the cleaning fluids she used while she worked on her hands and knees for the money to send her boy to medical school.

You play the world weary airline flight attendant on a layover after two straight weeks of flying back and forth from Paris to L.A.

We take comfort in finding each other, kind of go from there.”

Lily Creamer had arrived during Jamal’s verbal screenplay. She linked her arm in Yasmine’s and together they walked away from the crew. “I’m Lily Creamer, the only credible sports figure in this motley crew. Let’s go get some coffee and a scone and give the hairs on the back of your neck a chance to lie down.”

Warren, Mad Wolf, Jamal, and Louie watched as the two walked away.

“Good Morning, uh a-Warren, uh a-Wolf, uh a-Jamal. Who is the new sun sign?”

“Hi,” said Louie, “extending his hand while looking Theotis up and down. “ I’m Louie. Nice robes, babe.”

“Now boarding, rows 45 – 82. All passengers rows 45 – 82.”

Warren checked his Casio watch and turned in a circle. No sigh of Albie.

Lily returned with Yasmine in tow five minutes later.

“All passengers are now invited to board Colonial Airlines flight 113 to Phoenix. Now boarding all passengers.”

Warren began to walk toward the Colonial terminal entrance.

Theotis glanced up for a moment from his copy of the New York Times.

Mad Wolf said, “We’re gonna have to start puttin’ a leash on that heifer.”

“You could just throw me a little extra coin to tail her. I worked security at Sears for a couple of summers before I discovered Creatin and found out I was able to really jam on the court,” said Jamal.

“I need a pain reliever. Who’s got the Advil?”

asked Theotis.

Lily dug in her bag, produced a Tylenol individual pack and frisbeed it toward Theotis.

Louie dialed a number on his Motorola cell phone.

The Colonial Airlines crew working the flight closed the entrance to the jetway.

Warren and Albie approached.

Albie said, “Look, it’s not my fault if the limo driver doesn’t know where Windows International Airport airport is.”

The Colonial gate attendants walked past the crew. Warren said, “Albie, who’s zooming who here? You’re hair is still wet and your smell like a brewery.”

“You folks need a lift to Phoenix?”

Louie was standing, folding up his Motorola cell.

“My Gulfstream VS-P is two terminals away, ready and waiting.”

Warren looked at Albie. “I guess all is forgiven. Thank your lucky stars.”

“That would be Orion. Albie, you, ah, can’t be blamed for suffering the hard aspects of Neptune at this time of your lunar cycle,” Theotis said while folding his Times into a triangle.

“Does everybody in Texas but me have a freakin’ Gulfstream VS-P?” asked Mad Wolf.

“I have to go to freshen,” said Yasmine.

Louie said, “I’ll go with you babes. We’ll meet ya’ll in Terminal D.”

 

 

Warren looked down at Portland from the windows of a rapidly climbing Gulfstream. The sun sparkled off the Williamette River. Warren rubbed his wrist, still sore from the spokes and pedal encounter the night before.

“You have to admit, the night trails out of Hood River are really well maintained.”

Albie took a set on the leather sofa.

Warren said, “That was a beautiful night. I didn’t even mind that Jamal kept challenging me to a shirtless trail sprint.”

“Only because you won.”

“My wrist still hurts.”

“Yeah where did that waterfall come from? That was a pretty tough short cut you took.”

“Speaking of short cuts, I think you need to learn a few.”

“I know. I went to the Bliz-Weinhard Brewery to sample the homemade beer and would up discussing money with the assistant to the art curator at the Portland Art Museum. After a few we went to the Museum, he gave me a private tour of the ancient Chinese figures, and by the way, he also has a very nice office. Around two in the morning we went to The Church of Elvis to get married. We had to pound on the front door. I don’t think this is the first time this has happened to Stephanie, and we gave her a big tip for performing the ceremony. We went back to the hotel, enjoyed our honeymoon. I realized I was late for the airport when we set fire to our marriage license and the flame illuminated my Seiko watch. He called his office and took the day, we flew through a shower together, and I caught a taxi for the airport. I would have made the flight, except my xo thermal personality got the best of me.”

“I didn’t need to know any of that.”

“You’re not going to fire me are you?”

“You’re fired.”

“One more chance?”

“OK.”

Albie picked up Warren’s wrist. She twisted it lightly, squeezed it between her fingers, and then placed his hand on her bare leg. She turned to face him, then pulled her legs under her, using her adjusted body weight to push Warren over. Albie squirmed and twisted her body until she had positioned her head on Warren’s chest and interlocked her arms and legs with his.

“I need a nap.”

 

Adjusting the Aura, Dora

by

Warren Piece

 

Last night in New York, Toronto Rapper star Vinnie Carson received a welcome to Madison Square Grotto from New York Bling Bling Kurd English in the form of a move last seen in Jackie Chan’s ‘Blow-up.’

Vinnie responded by missing all his shots for the half and blaming his mother in the post game news conference.

Toronto Rapper Vinnie Carson: “My mom told me before the game to go to the hoop on the first possession. I didn’t realize she was mad at me for not getting her lunch group courtside seats. I nearly got killed! I saw three baskets for a quarter and a half!”

Rappers teammate Dave Davies: “We came here as a team, so we can’t lay the blame on Vinnie for missing his shots. His momma, though, we can blame her! Next game we’re going to throw a double team on her ass! No disrespect to Vinny.”

Former New York Bling Bling and starting point guard for the Toronto Rappers Chris Chokes: “Vinnie remembered what happened in last year’s first game, and like any self respecting athlete, didn’t want a repeat performance. I think he was trying to put this game behind him before it was over. I noticed him on his cell phone making dinner reservations during our third time out in the second quarter, and I know he spent several minutes on his palm pilot while he was taking a blow just before the half. I overheard his momma in the third quarter asking him for his credit card number, she was ordering a nice fruit basket for his grandma.”

Toronto Rappers Vinny Carson: “It’s frustrating. Vinny Carson knows we’re a better team. Vinny’s Momma was having an off game. That wack Vinny Carson took from Kurd English should have been measured on a riecter scale. Vinny Carson is sure the Rappers are going to send the Bling Bling in search of comfort food.”

New York Bling Bling Kurd English: “We gave everything we had. We played 100%. We wore our best shoes, and switched jerseys at halftime to confuse the Rappers. We played as a team, we finished well, and most importantly, I got to shoot the ball a lot. Shooting is fun!”

The New York Bling Bling lead the Toronto Rappers 1-0 in the first round best of five.

 

The Milwaukee Greatbuns beat the Orlando Tricks at the Milwaukee Blatant Center by a score, which didn’t reflect the closeness of the game, according to the losers.

Orlando forward Trekkie McSanford: “We can’t let their bench come in and club us. That is what cost us the game tonight. Our bigger players have the assignment to guard the Milwaukee big three, and it’s hard for them to see the other two tiny players, so those small guys do a lot of damage. Plus we’re asking our star players to bend over, jump, wave their arms around, run around the court, it’s just too much.”

Orlando coach Babbling Brook: “I felt like their off the bench guys have been taking the game from us all season. This game was no different. I warned our guys before the game, but I had to spend so much time trying to get the after game catering just right, we didn’t have time to cover individual player strengths and weaknesses, Maybe we’ll do that for the next game.”

Milwaukee forward Gin ‘Big Puppy’ Clifford: “We won the game even though we missed a lot of shots. We didn’t bring our A game. We brought maybe our C game, which has a lot less features, although it’s cheaper to play.”

Milwaukee forward Shot Willing: “You can’t expect me, Jimson Caffeter, and Earn Jamdad to give the team a lift every night like we did tonight unless you show us a lot more green, but we did show Orlando we have an inside presence. We proved Milwaukee is not just a team of three shooters and some lottery players. Yo, don’t forget what I said about the green.”

Milwaukee guard and big three member Gay Adam: “Shot was a monster tonight. He was right there every time my three pointers clanged off the rim, putting the rock back in the hole. Same for Earn Jamdad. Those second chance points buried Orlando. I’m definitely calling the escort service for those three guys tonight!”

The Milwaukee Greatbuns lead the Orlando Tricks 1-0 in the first round series.

 

The Phoenix Stunguns put a charlie horse in the high flying running style of the Sacramento Queens last night at the Arcade Arena in Sacramento, slam dunking a Queens home winning streak. The Queens ended the game on a demoralizing missed three by guard Jody Willies.

Sacramento Wildman guard Jody Willies: “Coach Adelbrain called a timeout and diagramed a play that called for the rock to go to Chuck Warbler in the post. I got the ball on the inbounds and glanced toward our bench. Three of our cheerleaders flashed me and I got so excited I launched a three. Man, those girls burned my retinas.”

Phoenix Stunguns forward Abyss Roberts: “My man Gerard Joker came up with rebounds at key moments and had a sweet outside shot. That was our gameplan. Shoot ‘em to death. Play tough D. Wear cool headbands.”

Phoenix small forward Shawn Tillman: “I loved going up against Pajama Stolivic. He was hyped coming into this series as the best rebounding small forward in the game. Hey, bro, ain’t nuffin’ to rebound when the rock drops through the hole. I got 21 points. It’s my birthday!!! It’s my birthday!!! it’s my birthday!!!”

Sacramento superstar forward Chuck Warbler: “My ankles still hurt from the Dallas game, Not from the game itself, but from after, trying to keep up with the table dancers at the Happy Heifer. Next game I’m going to use a better brand of ice and more tape. The guys kept getting me the ball in the low post. I tried to jump left, right, straight up…nuthin’. Our center Vladeda Divet offered to get position in the post and toss me toward the basket. But I don’t play that.”

Sacramento Center Vladeda Divet: “Chuck has bad ankles. Jody can’t keep his eyes off the cheerleaders. And whose idea was it to out fit the crowd in white t-shirts? I still have spots in front of my eyes.”

Adam Nudelman, traveling ZBA technical supervisor: “I was really happy with the MPEG sound system installed this year at Arcade Arena. We were able to play a lot of tunes not available in the Sacramento Area, not for free anyway. The theme from 2001, a Queens Odyssey, Why not Now by Wayne Newton, and I Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition Was In by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition. Who’s better?”

The Phoenix Stunguns lead the Sacramento Queens 1-0 in their first round five game series.
Last night the Los Angeles Clampetts shrunk the kids from the Portland Fire Trails. Complaints about the officiating started just before the opening tip-off and continued through the team’s hotel breakfast buffet.

Portland coach Lavolier Donelost: “We had Sir Gunfeld Rabbinawitz, the lion trainer for the L.A. Circus, in the locker room before the game. He demonstrated a technique he’s found effective in his line of work. We were going to employ this technique in an attempt to slow down Baba O’Rielly. I don’t have to tell you guys what happened. The refs let him swat our guys around, park in the lane, and I think he even had a few major gas attacks out there, at least that’s what Scampy claims made him faint during a drive to the basket in the third quarter, just as we were getting on a roll.”

Portland star forward Scampy Dickens: “Baba O’Rielly is impossible to top when he gets deep in the post. It’s hard to stop him when the refs treat him like he’s Buddha. The zebras call so many touch fouls you’d think they’re sixteen year old girls. Nobody except the 68 Boston Pelvics is gonna beat the Clampetts as long as the referees give O’Rielly the lane as his own personal storage area.”

L.A. center Baba O’Rielly: “I brought lilac scented Kleenexes for Lavolier Donelost and those babies he calls a basketball team. I had an off game, you know. They were playing an illegal zone defense to stop me. I Jackie Chaned their ass. Anybody got any Phazyme?”

L.A. guard Cory Tropicana: “Our defense got this game for us. Baba and me couldn’t handle the rock. They have a guy Scampy, who won six rings with Chicago, they’re a tough squad, and they’re not lying down. Hey, what do ya’ll think of my goat?”

L.A. Clampetts forward Rake Rooster: “Coach Pill grabbed my jersey at the start of the fourth quarter and handed me his cell phone. There was a swami on the other end chanting ‘Must make shots, must make shots, must make shots.’ I went out and made a three, got a steal, and made a lay-up. Plus I got to keep Coach Pill’s cool phone.”

Portland Fire Trail forward Reed Alabama: “I suspected the game ball wasn’t inflated properly. That’s the only reason I bounced it hard just before the half. I needed to know if I should ask coach Donelost for his Black and Decker air machine during halftime. My action had nothing to do with the %^$^ referees or their *&*&^% calls. Can they fine me for saying that, those &*^&%?”

The L.A. Clampetts lead the Portland Fire Trails 1-0 in the first round series.

 

Last night the Houston Crocketts all hung out together in Coach Tomjohnabitch’s continuing effort to keep the team together throughout the playoffs.

Coach Rudy Tomjohnabitch: “My starting five put their choices of toppings on papers and we put them in Hem’s sneaker, shook them up, and let Shane Years pick one. We wound up with fifteen Pepperoni, Canadian Bacon, Italian sausage, extra cheese pizzas. Then we went to Bronco Billy’s arcade and bar. We’ve got some really dynamite foosball players on our squad. It was a low volume night, until we went to Lily Langtree’s Lingerie for the midnight modeling show.”

Shooting guard Stan Franks: “I like the foot loose feeling we’re developing. We’re not moping about not playing in June, we’re getting on with our lives, trying to build communication skills among ourselves we can use on the court next year. Say, have you heard who’s getting traded. I need to know if I should start lining up a new babe stable in a different city or if I can chill with my ladies here in Houston. Let me know, yo.”

 

Warren opened up his contacts in Outlook Express and sent Frank W. Coleman an e-mail at the Houston Journal Express.

Frank, find atttached my column. As per your advice, I’m keeping a lookout for suspicious characters by listening for the sound of spurs. I don’t want to know why you mentioned it. Take care. Type you later.

 

The Gulfstream V-SP taxied to a stop on the tarmac of Camel Hump International Airport. Albie emerged from the lavortory putting away her beautification implements. Theotis, Jamal, Mad Wolf, Lily, and Warren sat on the two leather sofas with their bags at their feet.

Albie said, “OK, Phoenix is getting to 110 degress today. We’ll be taking cabs to the San Carlo, which is only a few blocks from the Arcade Arena, mainly because they have a rooftop pool and I want to have a night swim in the desert. The show is from 2-6 today, and we’ll be broadcasting from the Arcade arena. The team is in Sacramento, so we’ll have the place to ourselves, pretty much. Meet in the Lobby of the San Carlo at 1 o’clock, and we’ll travel to the arena in the hotel van. Let’s do it.”

 

“Good afternoon, you’re listening to a Piece of the afternoon on KSPOT, Phoenix, adn KSPORT, Houston. I have with me my partner Mad Wolf Sherman, astrologer Theotis Holland, Sports reporter Lily Creamer, and Houston Crockett rookie of the year in his own mind Jamal Deadburn. As always, our producer is Albie Darling. Jamal, it’s to you.”

“Thanks for letting me kick off the jam, Piece. I’ll say, right off the inbounds pass, this Stungun team has had to draw up as many legal defenses as offensive plays. Gaurd Gerard Joker…domestic abuse, which means the dude popped his lady one time too many, and the girl hit 911 on her cell phone.

Foward Abyss Roberts…driving under the influence, possession of drugs, which means he was out howling at the moon throught the sunroof of his Beamer on a night he went 2 for 15 from the field and amnesty for Stungun players was suspended.

Gaurd Patsy Buffalo…threatning the mother of his daughter, which means when Patsy told her the checks were going to stop, she told him she’d take a rolling pin to his good knee, he grabbed her hair, she grabbed his butt, he ripped off her blouse, she pulled down his sweatpants, they danced the ultimate slow dance, he got dressed and left, she called 911 on her cell phone.

I’ve seen it a thousand times around the league.

I like the way the new guy, Shawn Tillman, is skying and playing above the rim. Grard Joker can pass the rock almost as good as me. The problem is, for their playoff run, foward Patsy Buffalo is not on the roster. Hey, if the knee had gotten better a week earlier, this is a different team today.

But they are who they are. I know the boys won the first throwdown. But they had to put the airbrakes on the Sacramento Queens to do it.

The Stunguns have to advance in the playoffs or owner Hans Color will follow an old Hohokam Indian custom and take these players with the act that’s getting old into the desert to die.

Champs or dumped chumps. One or the other.”

“Thank you, Jamal. Jackie from Phoenix, you’re on KSPORT and KSPOT.”

“Hi and welcome to the blob that’s eating Arizona, Phoenix. I’m a big fan of the ZBA. I’ve even been to some of parties with the players, and I really like the laid back air they have about them. Our Stunguns are pretty cool.”

Jackie, this is Mad Wolf. How do you explain the lagging attendence late in the year?”

“Attendance is lagging? I didn’t know that. I stopped going to the games when Sienfeld starting airing two times a night.”

“On the phone now from his hotel room in Sacramento is Stungun pr man Hans Coller Jr. This is Warren Piece on KSPORT Houston and KSPOT Phoenix. Good afternoon Mr. Coller.”

“Mr. Piece! Actually I’m poolside giving sycronized swimming lessons to the cheerleading squad, which I brought along to cheer our Stunguns on. They’re such an emotional bunch!”

“Hans, this is Mad Wolf Sherman. You’ve gone up one game to none and have a few days to prepare for game two, Can you tell us anything special you’ll be doing?”

“Yeah! Why Not? Waiter!!! Another glass of Sangria! Sorry, guys, but this place is rockin’, and you practically have to do a belly dance to get waited on. We plan to make sure Jody Willys has plenty of party material. We’ve also set up several Stunguns Cheerleaders with unlimited expense accounts so they can follow Willies to wherever he happens to land that exterritorial vehicle he calls a life to tell him how sexy he looks when he shoots those off balance threes we as the opposing team love so much. We are so covered.”

“Mr. Coller, this is Lily Creamer. You’re fielding one of the older teams in tne ZBA. Is it true you’ve already made plans to go younger no matter what happens in the playoffs, especially since your father is rather upset at the level of civil disobedience among the very players you expect to set examples for the younger players on your team?”

“I’ll tell you a trade secret, and then I’ve get to go, I see the girls are beginning to become a little too friendly with the swim up bartender. My dad and I do all of our planniong in the months of June and July. We take daily walks around Heritage Square in the middle of the day with our hats off. The temperature is usually over 100 degrees in Phoenix at this time of year, so by the time we get back into the air conditioning we’re hallucinating pretty good, That’s when we draw up our draft plans, player trades, budgets, mission statements, team uniform designs, like that.”

“Thank you, Hans Coller Jr, pr man for the Phoenix Stunguns and son of owner Hans Coller. This is a Piece of the afternoon on KSPORT Houston and KSPOT, Phoenix.”

Albie took the show to commercial. Warren stood, stretched, and left in search of a Snapple machine.

 

“Judd from Sun City, you’re on KSPORT and KSPOT.”

“Hi Mr. Piece. I’m a World War One Vet.”

“Congratulations.”

“I think they keep Arcade Arena too damn cold! I’ve got season tickets I bought with the interest on some investments I made when I was in the import export buisness. I go to all the games, and I think with the number of people of my generation in this area, they should create a special seating area for us. Like a hothouse sauna section Hell just put a hole in the roof and let the sun in, it wouldn’t cost them anything, just let more desert air in to warm tired old ZBA loving bones.”

“Judd, this is Mad Wolf Sherman. If you need to arm a militia to march on the capitol let me know, I could outfit you guys with some automatic weapons which have brackets to attach to your walkers.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, and Judd thaks for the call, now on a Piece of the Afternoon, Theotis Holland, astrologer on sabbatical from the University of Oshkosh.”

“Yhank you, a-Warren.”

“Theo, where’s you’re turban?”

“Why, ah-Jamal, I’ve been observing the customs of the Phoenixans. I’ve taken several laps around Heritage Square with no head covering in the heat of the afternoon sun. I must say I don’t feel anymore lightheaded than usual.”

Warren said, “How do you see the stars for the Stunguns?”

“Well, uh, Warren, I see a square ocurring between Jupiter and Saturn. This will cause much stress and difficulty over the season when the team tries to organize and get to work during the expanded season.

The team’s Mars is in Cancer, which means their passing in the postseason will be tenative, but they will have no trouble holding on to the ball, as Mars in Cancer makes you very possessive.

The Stunguns birth sign is Leo, which means they can be likeable, most of the time. They have a large sense of dignity, and a hunger for glamour. Look for wild shots when Abyess Roberts has the ball.

The Stunguns have their moon in Aquarius, which means they will want to socialize. If they continue to win in the postseason, the entire team will be hungover and late for practcies by the second round, with the exception of Gerard Joker, who’s Tauras wife will hire security personel to keep him under wraps.”

“Thanks, Theo, be sure and put some Hawain Tropic lotion on your head, it’s starting to turn a wierd shade of purple. This is a piece of the afternoon of KSPORT Houston and KSPOT Phoenix.”

Albie Darling waved to Warren as she ran the first commercial. He keyed the intercom.

“Bailey is on line four.”

“Hello, Bailey.”

“Warren, you’re sounding wonderful, and we’ve got Dirtdobber Boots lined up to co-sponser the rest of the tour. I’ve FedExed your pair to the San Carlo. All you have to do is incorporate their name into your witty banter.”

“Bailey.”

“Yes.”

I had a dream last night about your cleavage.”

“Save it for your gay lover. Later, dear.”

 

“Dane from Tempe, you’re on KSPORT and KSPOT.”

“Hi guys. What have you done with Map and the Mad Dog?”

“That would be KSPOT afternoon drive hosts Michael Gerranamo and Ken ‘Mad Dog” Green. They have been gracious enough to take an all expense paid trip to the Salt River Canyon for some well deserved R & R with their significant others. They’ll be back tommorrow.”

“I wanted to know what you think the Stunguns chances are against the Clampetts.”

“Dane, this is Jamal Deadburn. Strictly speaking, from a player’s perspective, you have to play the series you’re playin’, you know what I’m sayin’”

“Yeah, but just say they do get by Sacramento, and say the Clampetts get by The Fire Trails, what do you think?”

“Dane this is Mad Wolf Sherman. The Stunguns have to pass the penetration test against Sacremento before we can put them on the court against anyone else, the Clampetts, the Fire Trails, your mother.”

“Mad Wolf, Jamal, Lily, we’re lucky enought to have on the phone now orthepedic doctor Fred York, specialist to the Phoenix Stunguns. Good afternoon Doctor.”

“I just flew back from Sacremento and had a few days to kill before the next game. I wanted to invite you guys out for some dinner and a litle nighttime golf. We could meet at Mr. Lucky’s after you get off the air, and after sundown we’ll take a couple of Chevy Surburbans to Lucky Springs country club. Shoot 18 under the stars.”

“Jamal?”
“I’m down.”

“Wolf?”

“We gonna use carts?”

“Sure.”

“OK, Doc, deal me in.”

“Lily?’

“Do we get to wash the balls before we stroke them?”

“Oh Yeah!”
“Albie?”
“I’m going for a night swim.”

“OK, Doc. By the way, how’s Patsy Buffalo’s knee?”

“A hugh success. Plus his checks are clearing. I’ll see you guys later. I’ve got to go water my cactus.”

You’re listening to KSPORT Houston and KSPOT Phoenix.”

Warren keyed the intercom. “Hey, Albie, you sure you won’t join us?”

Albie said, “I’ve got an appointment with that pool on the roof. I need a good night swim.”

“OK.”

Warren stood, stretched, and went to check on Theotis.

 

“You’re listening to a Piece of the Afternoon on KSPORT Houston and KSPOT Phoenix. Now Lily Creamer, KSPORT sports reporter, with her sex appeal rating for the Phoenix Stun Guns. Lily.”

“Warren, the first thing I noticed with my locker cam is the disprortionate number of outies to innies. I checked with Hans Coller Jr. when you had him on earlier. He claims to have an outie. As you see if you look over here, I have an innie. That means I’m compatible with 75% of the Stunguns team. Cool.

Another thing in favor of this collection of ZBA specimens is the number of them who’ve undergone knee surgery. I dig scars, and usually all that physical therapy makes a guy more limber.

And more tolerant of pain.

Cool.

Sixteen nipple rings, forty three tattoos, three shaved heads, one bottle blond.

I rate the Phoenix Stunguns, on a scale of one to ten, seven condoms and four bun rubs!”

“Thank you Lily. Back after this.”

 

“This has been a Piece of the afternoon of KSPORT Houston and KSPOT Phoenix. For Mad Wolf Sherman, Lily Creamer, Theotis Holland, Jamal Deadburn, Albie Darling, and the entire sports loving public in Houston, thank you, Phoenix, and good luck in your next game against the Portland Firetrails.”

Warren waved at Albie, who waved back, took the show into the break, and entered into a phone conversation with the producer of the next show on KSPOT, the Jerry Skidmore sports talk show.

Lily and Jamal were on the floor of the Arcade arena playing one on one. Warren began his descent towards the floor. Halfway down something caught the corner of his eye.

“Hey, boy, how you makin’ out?”

Dole Harper approached from the direction of the skyboxes.

“Hi Dole,” Warren said. “Should I take the safety off my weapon?”

Dole laughed and gingerly took a seat in the stands.

“I’m just here for my health son. I thought that ride I gave you would have cooled you off a little bit.”

Dole squinted up at Warren and grinned.

“You’re here because?”

“I’ve spent the day at the Radial Spa. My doctor recommended them. Said they coul help ease the pain of the burns on my leg. I’m gonna be here a week or so. I knew you were doing a show for my station from here, thought I’d stop by and say hello to my ole budy Warren Piece. That’s all I got.”

Dole turned in the direction of the court, where Lily was riding Jamal’s back shouting, “Make a slam dunk now, you bastard!”

He rose to his feet, and began to walk toward the exit.

“I’ve got to get back out in the sun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Later, Dole,” said Warren.

Warren watched him until he was out of sight, disappearing through an exit tunnel carved into the massive entertainment complex known as The Arcade Arena.

 

Camel Hump airport was mostly deserted at five thirty in the morning. Warren walked to the airport Internet terminal and signed on to the website, F.A.Q… Advice For the 21st Century.

 

 

Warlap,

I’m a NASCAR race driver currently on lap 195 of the Darligton speedway. I’m dictating this letter to you using speech recognition software, outlook express, and a wireless internet connection device duct tapped to my 13 zippered 17 pocket 23 color fireproof race suit.

I’m afraid…just a minute, I’m going to give Earnhardt Jr. a massage with my front fender, that rat bastard!! …OK, where was I…SHOOT!!! I’ve got smoke billowing from under my hood!

Ok, wait, that was coming from Jarred’s tailpipe, let me make a move on that lubricant challenged Chevy. Hey, I just past the judges stand and I swear I saw Richard Petty’s dad smiling at me. That’s the cool thing about traveling at these speeds, you see all kinds of crazy stuff.

I’ve got to go to the other line for a minute…Petty’s Dad just gave me the winner in this tonight’s Charlotte Crumpett’s game.

Ok, I’m back…I’m sorry, I’ve got to go again. I better do some racing for the next lap if I want to keep my sponsors…

I’ve moved to third!!!

I told my pit crew chief’s daughter I’d do a doughnut on the infield grass if I came in first! Hot Damn!

This wireless Internet is great! I’m checking out the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models page.

I’ve got to get to St. Bart’s and see if my chest moves up and down like that when I jog on the beach!

WHOA!!

Who put that wall there?

OK, now I’m going to download some Pretenders to listen to while I win this round track test of my manhood.

I’m really doing quite well here. My problem is this.

I’m breaking out!

This year I’m going to win the NASCAR Standings.

How will I ever find anyone good enough to hang with me, seeing as how I’m obviously a superior being!

HEY!!! I’m in first and I made Buddy Bell crash that ugly ass Pontiac to boot…Bonus!!!

signed,

Billy Demerest

 

Hey William.

I consulted with a friend of mine who races jets for a living on an illegal circuit that makes it’s home in Central Asia (No FAA, and the Asians are notorious bad flyers who love to gamble).

She says you don’t typify the average NASCAR driver.

The typical NASCAR driver is a good ole boy humble seven ways from Sunday.

So I did a background check.

You’re really a dount maker’s kid from Minneapolis St. Paul who is getting a ride because you’re a good kisser, and Fred Warbul’s Chevrolet team is run on his daughter’s whims.

I checked the results for the race where you generated the E-Mail, and after the victory lap by Earnhardt Jr. several of his boys were seen in your pit having serious conversations with your crew, and they weren’t swapping fried chicken recipes.

In light of all this, I’ve would give you the following advice:

Always carry a chap stick, and don’t forget to smile for the camera!

There’s a place in the world for pretty boys, and I guess you’ve found one.

 

 

Dear Wargrant,

I am a female commuter with a serious attitude. I travel to work every day on the trains of the great Amtrak railroad, where the lights are low and the conductors smell nice, for the most part.

I like to drink my coffee, read the Washington Post, and come up with different ways to massage my back with the train seat while my seat partner is trying to sleep.

I like to do my makeup with my portable six light lithium battery powered make-up mirror, twisting the lights into the eyes of my seat partner at least three times in the five minutes it takes to apply my Estee Lauder eye shadow.

I like to watch movies on my DVD player through my Apple Titanium powerbook, laughing uproariously at lines that aren’t funny, especially when my seatmate is on the phone.

I like to drink three cups of coffee before I leave home, just so I can feel justified in asking my seat mate to let me pass so I can go to the restroom, and on the third trip I like to stumble, pretending the train served dramatically, and put me hand in my seatmate’s lap, just so I can know who I’m dealing with, if you know what I’m saying.

I think commuting is fun.

My problem is this:

I’ve recently gotten a career job that comes with an apartment in the city.

I can walk to work.

Now what?

signed,

Fiona Pamper

 

Hey Fiona,

All that talk of commuting has made me sleepy! I’ve spoken to a senior conductor friend of mine who has worked for commuter railroads on both continents. It seems there is a club for people such as yourself that meets in the dining car of the Accela train from New York to Boston every Friday night.

They get to Boston, rush to Quincy market, have a bowl of clam chowder at the most crowded restaurant they can find, rush back to the train smelling of cigarettes and liquor, arrive in New York, and go home.

I’ve enclosed the address of the group’s president and her daytime phone number.

Expect to be put on hold several times.

Now I’ve got to go get a coffee and a paper.

 

Hey Piecehead,

I’m a seventy year old woman in good shape living in a million dollar retirement coummunity. My husband was a kick ass businessman who didn’t mind spending money to get money, not like these pussyboys of today whose only answer to a rocky economy is to eat so much garlic no one can approach them without gas masks or at least a decent set of snorkeling equipment.

I’m sick of reading the buisness section! SICK OF IT!     But old habits die hard, and I’m glad they do!

I read last week that our last shred of dignity is being hacked at by an insipid device called a “granny cam.’

I’ve had a son or a husband in every war the past three decades had to offer, and I’ll be damned if some yuppie grandson son-of-a-bitch is going to know how much I’m making at the bingo table off his addle brained grandma, or know whether I’m sneaking beers and watching the Mariners take off with the AL East.

I called my great-grandson, who’s known only as Hank. Hank took some money I sent him and put toogether a nice piece of scanning equipment for me. All top of the line stuff, surprisingly from Radio Shack.

I scanned the rooms eligible for grannycams and mapped the location of seven cameras. I gave the map and some scematics of the building I downloaded from the Internet to Hank.

He, subsequently, over the next twenty four hours with some of his Navy Seal buddies, is doing a favor for ‘that fiesty old lady, God love her’. They wired the cameras with enough plastque to discourage these amateur Alan Funts for at least a decade or so.

Those surveillance systems are going down. My only question is this: I just wonder if I should cause the commotion during the Martha Stewart show or the soccer playoffs. I don’t know what you know about the viewing habits of ‘The Greatest Generation’, but I could personally use a break from that crap.

 

Go Granny Go granny Go Granny Go,

Well, I assume you’ve bought you’re fireproof houseshoes and called Johnnie Cochron, because Martha Stewart fans all have good lawyers who pay their electric bills on time and ride Harleys on the weekends.

I know you’re feeling a little abused by this obvious invasion of your privacy. I’ve contacted a good friend of mine who lives in L.A. and coaches personality deficient actors. He’s agreed to come to the home with a select group of his students. They will perform ‘Lust’ from ‘The Seven Deadly Sins’. The dance performance will conclude with several triple perroutes, a couple of old fashion throw and catches, and an indoor fireworks display that includes camera detonation.

We’ll call it art and meet for Calzoneti’s after.

 

ALl the best

Warren

 

Albie Darling rubbed Warren’s head.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Warren said.

“How’s my favorite producer?”

“Tanned, rested, and ready.”

‘Hi babes!”

Louie waved from a distance.

“Where’s Yasmine?” asked Mad Wolf, approaching from the opposite direction.

“She’s getting coffee.”

“Is someone uh, ah, getting coffee? I’ll take one light with lot of sugar!” said Theotis from behind Mad Wolf.

A Colonial Airlines electric handicap cart pulled to a stop next to the crew.

Jamal and Lily hopped off, and Jamal passed the driver a fifty.

“Thanks Coach.” said Jamal.

“Have a great day!” said Lily.

“I’ll go check us in,” said Albie.

“Good morning everyone!” said Yasmine.

“I brought coffees for everyone!”

“Where’s the sugar?”

“Which one has, uh, ah, half and half?”

“I just burned the roof of my mouth.”

“I dropped my lid. Yasmine, could you bend over and pick it up?”

The crew gathered themselves and headed toward the Jetway.

 

“Is there breakfast?”

“Where are we going again?”

“Hey Louie, can I borrow The Sporting News?”

“Anybody want a Garlic pill?…some Milkweed?”

“I think I left the iron on in my hotel room.”

“Annnnd we’re off!”

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