FAQ 114 Los Angeles
Warren approached the Colonial Airlines terminal at Gladiator airport. The NetZero terminals were all free, so Warren took one near the window. He signed on to F.A.Q…Advice For the 21st Century.
Council Member Warren,
I’m a mayor of a major European city. I’ve got fiscal prosperity, mainly because of our tourism trade and the Volvo factory just outside of town.
I’ve just been elected to my third term. To celebrate, I traveled to America to attend a mayor’s convention in Las Vegas. A week in Vegas and I needed to chill, so I took an additional three days in Boise, Idaho. Three days in Boise, and I needed some action, so I spent four more days in Los Angeles. On my way back home, I thought it would be a shame to fly over Chicago and not stop in. If you’ve been to Chicago, everybody knows you have to then go to New York, so I grabbed a seat on Amtrak, got off at Penn Station, got there just in time to catch Barnum and Bailey’s Greatest Show On Earth at Madison Square Garden. Now I’m back home.
My problem is this: Somewhere along the line I lost my wife. I know she was with me in Vegas, because she kept ripping up the postcards I received from those very friendly girls I seemed to run into on every corner. I remember her commenting on the size of the Cheeseburgers at The Brick Oven Beanery in Boise. In Los Angeles, we stepped in Marliene Dietrich’s handprints, I remember that. In Chicago we drank a lot of beer in the garden at the John Barleycorn. I couldn’t sleep that night because she always snores after she drinks those micro-brews. So, the best I can recall, I lost her at the circus. I remember her commenting about the elephant handlers costume as we were leaving the circus for the airport. I thought she was behind me. We often get separated when we travel, and we sometimes get home a couple of days apart. It’s been a week. Thinking back, I’m sure she stayed with the circus.
I can’t afford to come back to America for at least a year, budget stuff, you know, so I was wondering if you could do a governing official a favor. Could you get me the name of the elephant trainer of the Greatest Show on Earth? I’ve gotten their touring schedule form the internet, but the circus officials refuse to put me in contact with the elephant man. I’d like to send my wife her favorite pajamas. If she’s going to spend a year under the Big Top, she might as well sleep in comfort.
signed
Mayor Dane Peterbilt.
Hissonner,
Hell, man, you could go on Oprah! I love your style, but you could take your head out of your travel guide once and again, heh? I’ve contacted the Professional Animal Trainers Association. They report a new intern listed at The Barnum and Bailey Circus, in the area of Elephant training. I’ve emailed you an application form for the chimp handling program. You could take a sabbatical, since your town obviously can run on it’s own for a while. The association can make financial arrangements. You can pay them with Volvo station wagons. I understand the circus is always in the market for a solidly built car which has a chance of withstanding being rolled by large African mammals. You two have a good time, and the next time you leave the continent, you might consider holding hands through America.
Warsize,
My name is Tom. I asked people to call me Tommy, then I changed that and asked people to call me Thomas, then I wanted to be known as Tomassino.
I bought a Honda Silverwing Last year, had it painted Gold, changed the emblems on the gas tank, and sold it as a custom bike for four thousand more than I paid for it.
I married a girl I met on the Internet, we moved to a nice three bedroom home, I paid to have the kitchen customized, she had an affair with the carpenter, got pregnant, and I know own his business. They both work for me, and we’re all still great friends.
I bought a Malamut puppy, paid to have her trained, bred her with a German Shepard, and sold the puppies as a registered new breed of dog called a Malaped. They are now very popular in Northern Wisconsin, and this year will make appearances in dog shows across the country.
I think big.
I may have gone too far on my latest deal.
I’ve arranged a consortium of buyers interested in taking over Philadelphia. We’ve had preliminary discussions with all the Cheesesteak restaurants, as we perceived that to be the heart of the city.
We bought our way into a Society Hill Political Action Committee.
Now we’re going to try and get an inroad into the visitor’s center. Things are going well, and our three year plan is getting a head of steam.
My question is this. When we take over the city, we need a catchy name for our general style of government, which will focus on thinking big and selling a lot of self help tapes. Can you help me in this regard?
signed
Tomassino Geronimo Clark.
Hey TGC,
You’ve picked a winner, With it’s history and current position as the friendliest biggest city in America, they’ll never see you coming. I’ve taken the liberty of notifying some union people I knew you’d be needing…electricians, plumbers, steelworkers, maintenance engineers, caterers, and Jake the bartender from City Tavern, to set up lucrative long term contracts for their members that will be required in your quest. They should be on your doorstep any moment, now. Good luck, and we love you, brotherly.
Hey Warpin,
I’m a player. My sport is Hockey. I can’t say who I am, but you’ve seen me take on a team of hooligans from Quebec with my finesse moves on the ice. They can’t skate with me and I’ve been given the gift of the best slap shot in the NHL today. I’m a freakin’ scoring machine.
I can’t stand the way the teams today load up on players whose job skills are an uppercut, a body slam, the head butt, the high stick, and the cross ice luger flip.
I love the artistry of hockey, the strategic moves behind the blue line, the backhander pass from behind the goal, the occasional pirouette.
I lead a group of players that are engaged in lobbying the NHL rules committee for changes that would result in a crackdown on crosschecking, forechecking, and bad dental work.
My reputation as a pioneer of forward thinking hockey players is very important to me.
My problem is this: I love to midget bowl.
There is nothing more fun to me than grabbing one of those guys by the facemask and whipping him down the lane. We pay them well, and they never have to bowl more than four games a midget.
Last week, the leader of the group, Harry Barstow, told me his group had invested in a drug company that had just announced a breakthrough in toe fungus research. The stock had gone through the roof, Harry had unloaded at a high point, and all the midgets were going to set up shop in Bermuda.
See YA.
Now what do I do?
signed,
Elmo Waterloo (an alias)
Hey Elmo,
I feel your pain! There are other bowling leagues you could join. I’ve enclosed the top secret web address (obtained through a search on YAHOO!) of The Alaskan Outdoor Nude Bowling League, The Death Valley Nude Bowling League, and the The Bahamas Scuba Diving and Underwater Nude Bowling League.
While none of these employ the use of midgets, they present challenges of a different sort, and you can regal your hockey buddies with tales of barely missing a perfect game because you were drilling holes, and not in your bowling ball…macho stuff like that.
Good luck, and score one for me.
“Do you know which way the bathroom is?”
Warren signed off F.A.Q….Advice For The 21st Century, and turned to face Yasmine.
“I need to freshen and change.”
“You’re wearing a nun’s outfit because…”
“I had to visit my brother at Alcatraz and sneak him a file, was the game, if you have to know.”
“Down the corridor on the left, sister. Here’s five dollars for the orphans and a little wake up shot for yourself.”
“Thank you, Warren.”
Yasmine leaned in and kissed Warren on the cheek.
“Hey Babe, maybe I was raised in the wrong religion!”
Louie smacked Yasmine on the butt.
“I went shopping yesterday in Palo Alto. I bought you some outfits.”
Louie held up a shopping bag.
Yasmine rubbed Louie’s chest, took the bag, and said, “I’ll catch you on the flight to L.A.”
“I need two, uh, fifty to continue my, ah, breakfast quest.”
Louie and Warren gave Theotis ten dollars each.
“Boys, I’m going to attempt something never done in any airport in these United States. I’m going to shoot the bottom out of a Starbucks double lunar latté cup from 200 yards.”
A loud blast emitted from somewhere near Mad Wolf’s wrist.
200 yards away, a Starbucks Cup disintegrated.
Mitch Alburp said, “You could write the history of the airport without that shot, Wolf!”
Jamal said, “Isn’t the flight full and shit?”
Yasmine said, “Hey baby, I dig goofy writers.”
“People, people!!! I need you all to drop and give me twenty!”
Yasmine said, “I kinda dig physical therapist.”
Mitch said, “You could write the history of physical therapist without The Riddler!”
Lily jogged up in sweats and sneakers and dropped to the floor.
Louie said, “The Bitch is Back!”
Yasmine said, “Insulshun!”
The Riddler said, “That’s what I’m talking about!”
David ‘The Riddler’ Kroft dropped to the corridor carpet and began to work out with Lily.
One by one, the crew put down their double lunar latees, bagels, and tiramisu breakfast tarts. They reluctantly hit the corridor carpet for their pre flight workout.
Yasmine said, “I feel like makin’ love.”
Louie scooted underneath Yasmine’s position.
Jamal leapt on top of Yasmine. She collapsed onto Louie. Warren dropped onto Jamal. Lily piled onto Warren. Mad Wolf piled onto Lily.
Theotis resumed his three course breakfast.
“Colonial flight 6969 now boarding for L.A.”
The crew disentangled, gave each other high fives, and boarded the flight to L.A.
Theotis approached Warren with a book in his hand.
“Uh, ah, Warren, I wanted to know if you minded if I delved into Chinese Astrology during our next radio, ah, program.”
“Whatever you want to do is fine with me, as long as you don’t start beheading chickens or finding the bodies of long lost made men underneath the arenas of the ZBA.”
“The Chinese astrologers pay attention to the position of the stars, not the seasons, to calculate your sign.”
“So, you could be an entirely different sign if you are going by the Chinese astrologer.”
That is, ah, correct, ah, Warren. I’ve recently recast my horoscope based on Chinese astrology, and a turning point in my life is approaching. That is why I want to incorporate the different interpretations in my part of the, ah, broadcast.”
“And you won’t strangle any chickens on the air?”
“Ah no, ah Warren. One other thing.”
Warren reached for his money clip. “How much?”
“Three light beverages would soothe the ripples being caused by my Mars being in retrograde.”
Theotis took the dough from Warren, and with a swish of robes and a wink of his eye, he headed back to his seat to continue his astral journey.
Portland Fire Trails Make the Endangered Species List
New York Loses It’s Groove
by
Warren Piece
Los Angeles Clampetts center Baba O’Rielly nearly scored in triple figures and superstar guard Cory Tropicana added twenty five points, fourteen of them off jock strap loosening moves in the paint, to stomp the Portland Fire Trails in game two of their best of five series last night at the Nailgun Center in Los Angeles.
Portland’s guard Todd Statalmeyer: “Our main problem this game was Baba. He’s a different sort of physical presence than anything we’ve ever had to deal with. People like to compare our situation to David and Goliath. It’s more like Bambi and Goliath. Christ!”
Clampett center Baba O’Rielly: “They tried to get us out of our game a couple of times with cheap shots. But we rebounded well. Usually when I watch the tape of the game I see ten or fifteen incidences where guys are bouncing off me in the paint, but I don’t remember them. I think the refs should do something about this style of play before one of the ZBA’s top players gets hurt bouncing off me. I mean they usually wind up losing their balance and hitting the floor. I could step on ‘em. It’s hard for me to see anyone less than six eight. You know, I’m just sayin’.”
Portland coach Lavolier Donelost: “We came out blazing. I mean, when you make fifteen of your first twelve shots, or whatever it was, especially how we did it, from long range, you’d think we have something there. But in the final analysis, we sucked wind again. I need a bromoseltzer. Christ!”
Clampett coach Pill Colorado: “No team has ever come back from two to none. No team. That being said, we still have to go to Portland to play games three and four. Although there has been talk by the league of skipping game three and going right to game four to try and juice the ratings.”
Clampett forward Riengold Hooker: “When Fire Trails foward Roy Rogers slammed me to the floor in the fourth quarter, I knew it was out of frustration. I didn’t take it personal, plus that gave Baba a chance to give the crowd some comic relief by trying to shoot a free throw.”
Fire Trails foward and Chicago legend Scampy Dickens: “Defensively, we can’t play better. Now is not the time to be worried. We need to get our confidence up, and win a game at home.” At this point Scampy broke down in tears and had to be escorted form the interview room.
The Los Angeles Clampetts lead the first round best of five with the Portland Fire Trails 2-0.
Last night The New York Bling Bling lost their concentration in the pre-game introductions and had their clocks cleaned by the Toronto Rappers.
New York point guard Chuckie Nyak: “I kept losing the ball off my fingers. I made great decisions with the ball, but then I kept losing the ball. I’d have cursed a lot more this game, but it’s against my religion.”
New York foward Kurd English: “Charlie keeps asking, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I think he’d hold onto the damn ball a little better!”
Toronto star foward Vinnie Carson: “I have a strained left quad and I smoked these guys. I might go to a strip club to celebrate! It’s not every day you make New York coach Jif Nutter Butter eat his game plan for a halftime snack.”
Coach Nutter Butter: “We didn’t rebound well, we didn’t play tight defense down the stretch, and I know four out of five starters didn’t use deodorant before the game. How am I supposed to think in the huddles? I felt my eyebrows melting!”
Bling Bling star Laquocious Spintok: “The only position I haven’t played this year is center! I feel like choking somebody! Hey you with the notepad! Get over here! I’ll crush your head!”
Toronto star and ex-Bling Bling Chris Chokes: “We won! We won!! WE WON!!! Now could somebody teach me how to drive my Ferrari so I don’t look like an asshole leaving Madison Square Grotto?”
The New York Bling Bling and the Toronto Rappers are tied one all in the best of five series.
The Houston Crocketts continue their postseason run, staying together as a team on the nights an ZBA playoff game is played.
Last night found them at Houston Baptist General Hospital for plastic surgery. Aheem Parthenon was having his eyes done for his twentieth class reunion.
Coach Rudy Tomjohnabitch: “These nurses are really friendly in the plastic surgery unit! So are the doctors, which has me worried!”
Houston Crockett center Aheem Parthenon: “My teammates are so supportive, I have paid for their meals while we are here at the Medical Center. We should have mass quantities from Taco Bell any minute now. Dallas isn’t the only town with Chalupas!”
Albie Darling took her position at the front of the aircraft. “We’re in a holding pattern. Apparently all of the air traffic controllers are in a meeting planning next year’s Christmas party. I’ve checked with the captain, and we have plenty of fuel. He apologizes for any inconvience, plus he’s invited us all to the captain’s lounge at the Los Angeles Kevitch airport for green eggs and ham.
We have a white limo scheduled to take us to The Hotel Bel-Air. We’ll have a pre-show meeting at the Swan pond.”
The plane dropped twenty feet and Albie hit the cabin floor. Jamal leapt up and sprinted to her side. He helped her up, just as the plane dropped another twenty feet. They both hit the deck. Mad Wolf got out of his seat and crawled toward Jamal and Albie. They conferred for a moment on the floor, and all rose together. The plane dropped twenty feet, and they fell in a heap.
The pilot came on the intercom. “We seem to be experiencing some turbulence, ladies and gentlemen. Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.”
The flight attendant came through the cabin and said to the rising Albie, Jamal, and Mad Wolf, “Please return to your seats, guys.”
Theotis said, “Strange things happen when the moon travels through the house of, uh, Libra.”
Jamal said, “Lily, you got an Altoids?”
Lily said, “Buckle your seat belt and I’ll adjust your air pressure.”
Albie took a seat next to Warren. “Can I borrow your pillow?”
Warren said, “I’m using it, but you can put your head on my lap.”
Albie said, “Well, that has possibilities.”
Theotis said to one of the flight attendants, now sitting beside him, “So, because my Pluto is traveling through Leo, I have a rare physical prowess for the next ten minutes.”
She said, “I’ve got ten minutes to spare. Let’s check out your astrological situation.”
“What happens to people when they get to L.A.?” Mad Wolf muttered to himself, as he turned on his portable sun lamp.
“Good Afternoon, and Welcome to a Piece of the Afternoon Show on KTAN, Los Angeles, and KSPORT, Houston. This is Warren Piece along with our astrologer Theotis ‘I love an eclipse’ Holland, our sports reporter Lily Creamer, and Houston basketball phenom, son to be in his second year in the ZBA, Jamal Deadburn. Not to forget my partner, Mad Wolf Sherman. Steering this Yankee Clipper is producer Albie Darling. We’d like to thank Mooey Mucho and the Mad Dog for vacating their afternoon sports talk chairs for one afternoon as we continue our travels through the cities of the ZBA. Albie, where have the boys gone?”
“They actually opted for a guided tour.”
‘A three hour tour?”
“A three hour tour.”
“I understand the weather is going to get rough today.”
“They took the tour called The California Native. I understand they use tiny ships.”
“They have fearless crews to take passengers to the uninhabited islands off the California coast?”
“Yes, so the ships are rarely lost.”
Mad Wolf said, “Hey Skipper and Mary Ann, I think you’ve had a little too much coconut juice.”
Albie said, “We equipped them with state of the art satellite radios, so we can be in constant touch. Apparently Mooey Mucho is a hell of a surfer, and Mad Dog is a legitimate body builder. They’ve taken the boat of Los Angeles Clunkers owner Donald Mariner, which he loans to them regularly so they won’t bitch and moan about his free agency policy on a daily basis, and headed to an undisclosed beach.”
Theotis said, “There are a number of good longitudes and latitudes for the afternoon duo of KTAN in today’s planetary alignment.”
Lily said, “Is it too late to get invited?”
Albie said, “I understand they’ve packed Pamela Anderson, a DV camera, and some high hopes.”
Warren said, “The kibitzing life! Alvin from Mulholand House, you’ve on KTAN and KSPORT.”
“Hi guys, how ya doin?”
“Alvin.”
“Al.”
“Uh-ah, Al.”
“Al, are you really calling from Errol Flynn’s old home?”
“Nah, you can’t get within 2000 yards of the place. I once got in when my brother-in-law worked for the Alarm Company. We knew the people were going out of town, so we slipped in, took a few pictures, swam a few laps in the indoor pool, and used the bathroom.”
Mad Wolf said, “So, where are you really?”
“I’m on the set of Babies Don’t Cry, Your Mama’s on the Train.”
Lily asked, “Whose in it?’
“It’s a Demi Moore comeback vehicle. I play a butler who she falls in love with, but has to get rid of in order to keep her child support payments coming from her husband’s estate. The only problem is, I helped her get rid of her husband, so there is that angle.”
Lily said, “Could you get me on the set?”
“I could barely get me on the set, girl!”
Lily said, “I’d love to meet Demi Moore. I loved in her The Scarlet Letter.”
Mad Wolf said, “She was much better in About Last Night.”
Lily said, “Whadya say? I’ll take off all my underwear before I come over.”
Mad Wolf said, “Ouu gaa chaa chaa.”
Alvin said, “Would you come over in only your underwear?”
Lily said, “Whatever floats your boat, Gennie.”
“I’ll fax you a visitor’s pass. It’s good after five.”
Lily said, “That’ll give me time to change.”
Jamal said, “Want me to drive you?”
Albie said over the intercom, “The white limo is still downstairs.”
Theotis said, “I was hoping to take the limo to The Buffett Palace for some spicy bar-b-q beef.”
Jamal said, “Want me to drive you? I rented a Honda Silverwing for the day.”
Lily said, “Why don’t you give Theotis a lift to the The Buffett Palace?”
Jamal said, “Theotis don’t do bikes.”
Theotis said, “It’s a planetary prohibition. Plus, the wind tears my robes.”
Mad Wolf said, “How about those Clunkers?”
Alvin said, “Exactly. I close my eyes, and I see the Clunkers challenging for a spot in the playoffs next year. I mean, Theo, babe, what do you see for the best young team in the ZBA?”
“Well, uh, ah, Alvin, I see a team founded on the East Coast, in Buffalo, in 1970. The transference of their geographical phasing has a stupefying effect on their chart. The influence of their current owner cannot stop the powerful forces lining up in the Clunkers astrological conglomeration. Their configuration has only been waiting on the proper transits. The next year is going to bring a deal of some sort, indicated by Jupiter in the second house of the sign of the Clunkers. This is going to be a blockbuster trade, baby! Pass the Cashews.
While Coach Simon Chipmunk has a sun progressing into a new sign, he also has Mars in retrograde. This means he will continue to struggle, but will do so wearing some unusually fashionable neckties with matching thong underwear.”
Lily said, “What?”
Theotis said, “The Clunkers and Clampetts charts cross when their tickets are on sale at the same time in the Nailgun Center box office. The Clunker ticket sales should go up next year, as I see the Clampetts and, uh, the Clunkers Mercury in conjunction. High school players will serve some function in the future of the Clunkers, although the exact destiny is clouded until the twentieth of this month.”
Warren said, “Theotis, thank you. We’ll be back with your calls, after this.”
Albie took the show to break.
“We’re honored to have, in our makeshift control room, the general manager for the Los Angeles Clunkers, former ZBA great, Aging Bayleaf. Good afternoon, Mr. Bayleaf.”
“Good afternoon, gang. I’ve brought some of my future draft picks along with me, and they want to know if they can borrow Jamal’s Gameboy?”
Jamal said, “Sure. I noticed there were some ice pops in the freezer. Just don’t get my boy sticky.”
“Reggie from Central Hollywood, you’re on KTAN and KSPORT.”
“Hi. I’m a developer that’s concentrating my efforts here along Hollywood Boulevard. I’ve got several sites, including one near the Roosevelt Hotel. I’m going to open a Super Wal-Mart that has a Hollywood theme. You know, a big soda counter, a screening room, casting couches, and a complete surf shop. When it opens I was wondering if I could get a few Clunkers to make a regular appearances. It’ll take about six months to build, and you guys will be playing by then. I’m trying to revitalize Hollywood Boulevard, you’re trying to revitalize the Clunkers. Let’s Make a Deal!”
Warren said, “Thanks for your call, Reg. Mr. Bayleaf?”
“I’ll have to poll my guys. During the season we had planned to have special practices at Pindhurst Golf Course. Mr. Marner gets a commission from all the green fees, and it’s just a way for the guys to thank Mr. Marner for bringing them to L.A. right out of high school.”
Mad Wolf said, “The Clunkers have had a policy in the past of letting free agents go as soon as they reach their walk year and it would get expensive to keep them. Is that trend going to continue?”
Aging said, “Our team policy is to have a depth chart that is more horizontal than vertical. If a byproduct of that is short sheeting the players, we would need to evaluate that. But evaluations cost money, and Mr. Marner needs his money for other things, yacht dock fees, for example.”
“Jenny from Malibu, you’re talking to Aging Bayleaf.”
“Hi, Aging. Is there a ticket package I can buy which would give me credit at the local Jack LaLannes. I’m trying to lose a few pounds before my show begins shooting in the fall.”
Mad Wolf said, “What show is that?”
“It’s going to be on the Discovery Channel. It’s called ‘Myth My Ass.’ It’s a reality show that travels to an exotic location with current pop stars. It explores an ancient myth, explains all the gathered scientific evidence, and we wrap up the show by mooning the camera. If the show is a hit we’ve already planned a spin-off called ‘Myth my Tits’.”
Aging said, “I’ve got to catch my breath. I think I’ve just found my favorite new TV show.”
Warren said, as he watched Albie talking to a man he didn’t know, “Larry from Houston, you’re on KSPORT and KTAN.”
“Hi guys. Hello Lily. I really like your work. I’m a rodeo clown down in Fort Worth at the oldest rodeo in the United States. The funny thing is, I’m easily distracted. That’s why I like watching the Los Angles Clunkers on my Direct TV ZBA package. You’re guys seem to suffer from the same affliction. I can actually relate to a ZBA team. You aren’t going to make any changes during the off-season that will enhance your teams ability to concentrate, will you? I’ll hang up and listen, because I’ve got to get back to whatever I was doing.”
Albie’s conversation in the makeshift control room in the Nailgun Center continued.
Aging said, “We actually plan to copy the Los Angeles Clampetts formula for calming their players down. We’re going to modify it a bit. We’ll have a meditation sleepover the night before every home game, probably at the Château Mormont. It’s partially owned by Mr. Marner, and he can jack up the room rates on our guys, thereby getting some of his money back. That’s more money in Mr. Marner’s pocket, which is a good thing. We’ll get the guys in their pajamas, sit them on the floor of a room on big cushions, they can have their favorite blanket or whatever, and we’ll have a half hour of quiet time. We expect the whole thing will brake out into a pillow fight, but that’s ok too. Kids will be kids.”
Albie continued her conversation with the mystery man.
Warren said, “Aging Bayleaf, general manager of the Los Angeles Clunkers, thank you for stopping by a Piece of the Afternoon sports talk radio show.”
“Thanks for having me. I’d like to give your crew presents. Here’s the latest from our marketing department.”
Jamal said, “Pacifiers with the Clunkers logo. Cool.”
Aging said, “They’re lollipops.”
Mad Wolf said, “Brother, you definitely need a weapon. Let me talk to you for a minute.”
Warren said, “Back after this.”
Albie managed to take the show to break as the mystery man leaned close to her and continued his intense conversation.
Warren got up and walked out of the makeshift control room. He approached Albie and her new friend slowly.
“Albie, what’s going on?”
The man whirled and reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out an envelope with the Clunkers logo on it.
He waved the envelope under Warren’s nose.
“Can you smell that? That’s the smell of season tickets to the games of the next ZBA Champions, The Los Angles Clunkers!”
Albie said, “Warren, meet Jason. Jason, Warren. Warren two minutes to you.”
Jason said, “Aging is the GM of the year!”
Warren said, “The methadone clinic closed today?”
Jason said, “I love Donald Marner!”
Albie said, “Apparently Jason has been a fan since 1970. He moved to L.A. from Buffalo when the team moved, had his first face lift in 1985, became a vegetarian in 1991, runs fourteen miles a day on the beach, and believe it or not, is not a natural blonde.”
Jason said, “I also tried becoming gay, but I really missed being the most macho guy in the bedroom.”
Albie said, “Fifteen seconds to you, taco boy.”
Warren said, “Albie, if Jason tries anything funny, give him a stop signal in the crotch. Jason, watch your ass. She’s a man-eater who hasn’t been fed in 24 hours.”
Jason said, “You’re ON!”
Warren entered the makeshift control room at The Nailgun Center as Mad Wolf said, “And now, Lily Creamer gives us her sexual evaluation of the Los Angeles Clunkers. Lily.”
“I went to the trailer outside the Nailgun Center, the locker room of the Los Angeles Clunkers. Apparently Donald Marner won’t pay the L.A.Clampett’s going rate for use of the locker room inside the Nailgun Center. The trailer is a double wide, so there is some space. The air conditioner wasn’t working on my visit, so I was forced to strip to remain comfortable. I’m beginning to wonder why I packed clothes at all for this trip.
The trailer was devoid of any furniture. Both walls were lined with lockers. At each end of the locker room was a big screen WebTV tuned to a webcam live on Ventura Beach. In the center of the trailer was a massage table, where I spent all my time. I was touched by every member of the Clunkers, as they are all cleaning out their lockers today and had some free time between packing their practice clothes and taking whatever pain medication they could palm off the team physician. They all have very strong hands, and not one resisted using the special massage oil I discovered in foward Odor Life’s locker. By the time the bench players got their hands involved I was very relaxed, and, to be honest, I don’t remember much about the guys on IR, I was really zoned by then. I rate the L.A.Clunkers seven dropped towels, a French twist, and fourteen shots from my free throw line.”
Warren said, “Thank you, Lily. We’ll be back with your calls, after this.” Warren walked out to talk to Albie. “Where’s your new found best boy?”
“I told him Jeremy Ronick was downstairs. He straightened his jacket and took off.”
“To chase after the Clunkers mascot?”
“The man’s a fan.”
“I need a Snapple.”
“Lynn from Westwood Village, you’re on KTAN and KSPORT.”
“Hi. I’m a student at UCLA…”
Jamal said, “Hey.”
“Hi.”
Mad Wolf said, “Yo.”
“Hi.”
Lily said, “Greetings, earthling.”
Lynn giggled.
Theotis said, “Uh, ah, uh, Lily stole my, ah, line.”
“Greetings gifted astrologer. I hate the Clunkers. I think every male athlete should pass a test based on existential relationships before they’re allowed to impress themselves upon our national psyche.”
Mad Wolf said, “Are you sure you don’t go to Berkley?”
“I’m making a film for my thesis that is five minutes of a basketball sitting on the court, still. You see sneakers running by, you hear the distant roar of a crowd for a few seconds, but mostly all you hear is silence. The title of the film is ‘L.A.’s Clunkers in Action.’ I end with the ball losing all it’s air over a thirty second period to R.E.M’s Losing My Religion.”
Jamal said, “Way too much free time, Lynn.”
Lynn said, “Spoken like a true career 35% shooter.”
Mad Wolf said, “Now here’s someone who definitely doesn’t need a weapon.”
Lynn said, “Hey, we could still meet at the Swan Pond for drinks.”
Lily said, “Six O’clock, darling, and wear your swimsuit. We are going to conduct water experiments while the swans watch.”
Warren said, “Now, Jamal Deadburn gives us his analyses of the L.A.Clunkers.”
Jamal said, “These boys are yelling ‘Why Why Why’ in a Nancy Kerrigan type exclamation of frustration and fear. I mean you go through years of high school to get to the ZBA, only to find yourself on the one team that doesn’t have any home locker room, any cool slogans, and iffy cheerleaders. Even if guard Pint McSorley develops a runner through the lane, that ain’t gonna help him get a date to his senior prom. I think Coach Aging Bayleaf was a great player, and even though he’s developed a case of flop sweats ever where else he’s been, I think a good playbook, a case of Right Guard Sport, and he’s back in business. It’s not easy being L.A.’s second team, but that’s better than being Indian’s second team, you know what I’m sayin’? Somebody pass the 3-D Doritos!”
Warren said, “We’ll be back after this.”
Albie took the show to break.
Warren walked around to speak to her but noticed she was reading ‘Myra Breckinridge’. He went for a popsicle instead.
“Francine from Amarillo, you’re on KTAN and KSPORT.”
“Hey ya’ll. I love the ZBA. I watch the games on my Direct TV package, drink Dixie Beer I bought with coupons back in the eighties, and play my entire Cheap Trick Collection over and over. I’m trying to work up a good belch for ya.”
Mad Wolf said, “You go girl!”
Jamal said, “Try gulping the beer with a lot of air and then do 10 deep knee bends.”
Lily said, “Take your clothes off. I’ve found you get better acoustic effects in the nude.”
Francine let out a deep ten second Octoberfest sound.
Warren said, “I’d like to thank the listners of KTAN and KSPORT for the calls and listening this afternoon. I’d like to thank Los Angels Clunkers owner Donald Marner for giving us the AAA rate on the facility. Here’s to the kivitzing life!”
Albie took the stations to break, and the crew broke down the makeshift control room, part of their deal with Clunkers owner Donald Marner.
“Who are you looking for?” Albie asked.
“Hunter Thompson.” Warren said.
“Why would Hunter Thompson be here?” Lily asked.
“In my mind, he’s always here, calling to the dwarfs with the pink telephones.”
“HI!”, said an approaching girl in a Halston bikini.
“Heh.”
“What up.”
“Ah, uh, hi.”
“Charmed, I’m sure.”
“Howdy.”
“And what would be your whole name?”
“I’m Lynn from Westwood Village.”
Mad Wolf said, “Let’s see if we can get the dwarfs to bring us another chair.”
Lynn said, “They are called little people.”
Jamal said, “You can sit here while we wait for another chair.”
“Well, hellfire,” a voice boomed, “you boys need to learn how to get things done in L.A. I never wait for these laid back types to do anything for me. Unless it’s a pretty little lady we’re talkin’ about, I don’t mind them takin’ their time.”
Warren said, “Dole, I hope seeing you means you brought some more petty cash and have a flight out of Kevitch airport in half an hour.”
“Hell, no, boy, I got a suite at the Chateau Marymount. I heard you setting up a meeting at this here Swan Pool on that excuse for a radio show and thought I’d sit in to check on the condition of the crew. The ladies are looking like they could us a little rest. You girls want the key to my room? You could go lay down and I’ll be around later.”
Mad Wolf said, “Henny Youngman to Raquel Welch, Super Bowl Sunday, 1982.”
Dole squinted at Mad Wolf. “I only steal from the best, Wolf.”
Four waiters appeared with plates full of Mai Mai, Caesar salads, twice baked potatoes, creamed spinach, and frozen margaritas.”
Dole said, “I took the privilege of ordering food for us. Ya’ll dig in.”
Theotis said, “I perceive Uranus is ,uh, moving through Aquarius.”
“Dole said, “Uranus?! You sum-of-a-bitch, you don’t talk like that in front of the women folk!” Dole jumped up from his chair and swung at Theotis.
Lily grabbed Lynn by the wrist and they dove in the Swan Pool.
Jamal pulled a police special and shot holes in the umbrella.
Dole chased Theotis, who had used a nifty judo move he learned while visiting the monks in Tibet, to avoid Dole’s clumsy haymaker.
Albie grabbed her purse and ran for the lobby of the Bel-Air Hotel, hot on the heels of Dole and Theotis.
Mad Wolf and Warren called to one of the little people.
Mad Wolf said, “Could we get a couple of big and thirsty towels for our lady friends, who seemed to be done cooling off in the Swan pool.”
“And,” Warren said as he sipped on his margarita, “Could we get a new umbrella, ours seems to have a few holes in it.”
Jamal said, “So, Lynn, you live alone?”
Lynn said, “Me and my Avid.”
Lily said, “You have an Avid?”
Jamal said, “I was thinking of getting a pit bull.”
Warren said, “An Avid is video editing software for a computer, Jamal.”
‘Oh, yeah, Rudy’s nephew uses one of those to edit the game video so we can see how we break down on D in the fourth quarter.”
Mad Wolf said, “Can you pass the Maui Maui?”
Lynn reached for Dole’s margarita. “I guess he won’t be needing this.”
“Hi guys!”
Yasmine approached wearing a Nike shorts workout outfit with Louie and Dave ‘The Riddler’ Kroft in tow.
Lily said, “You guys look buff.”
Louie said, “That’s Dave. I feel the best I’ve felt in years.”
Dave said, “Got room for three more. We’ve had enough whey shakes in the last day for the rest of our lives. Like I use to tell the Queens, you can eat what you want as long as you exercise every day, take your vitamins, and use a good brand name deodorant.”
Warren said, “Pull up these three chairs.”
One of the little people approached. “Menus?”
Yasmine said, “Which way is the ladies room?”
Lynn said, “I’ll show you.”
Lily said, “I’ll go with you.”
Yasmine looked at Louie. “You now what I like to eat, sweetheart.”
Louie leaned back in his chair to look at Yasmine. Jamal stuck his foot out, and Louie toppled over.
Louie said from the deck of the Swan Pond, “I need a sympathy hug!”
Yasmine bent over and Louie grabbed her around the neck. He pulled while Jamal gave her a little push, and Yasmine fell onto Louie. Mad Wolf grabbed a tablecloth from the adjoining table and threw it over them.
Lynn and Lily headed toward the ladies room. The dwarf asked, “Menus?”
Mad Wolf said, “Bring more of what we had previously, please, thank you.”
A nylon workout garment with Nike emblazoned on it came flying from under the tablecloth. Louie’s muffled voice said, “Here?”
Theotis reappeared from the lobby, a big rip in the sleeve of his ceremonial robe. He approached the table and sat down as Louie’s muffled voice said, “Here?” Another piece of clothing flew from under the tablecloth.
Warren looked at Theotis and raised his eyebrows.
Theotis said, “No one can keep me from a good meal! Pass the creamed spinach!”
Mad Wolf served Theotis a plate.
Yasmine’s muffled voice said, “There!” from under the tablecloth.
Jamal said, “I’m full. I think I’m going to take my bike and go for a ride to Malibu, maybe watch the sun set and check out the surfers.”
“Alone?” asked Warren.
“There’s a lot of populated real estate between here and my bike, my brother.”
Warren, Jamal, and Mad Wolf raised their glasses in a toast. “To the kivitzing life!”
Happy
December 15, 2016
That’s really thkining out of the box. Thanks!