F.A.Q. Advice for the 21st Century

FAQ 135 Philadelphia

Warren approached the Colonial Airlines terminal in the Carefree Airport slowly.

He snapped the top of the 500 count bottle of Excedrin and shook three into his hand, Still moving, he popped the Excedrin into his mouth, chewed and swallowed them, sat down at the NetZero terminal, rubbed his temples for five minutes, the signed on to F.A.Q….Advice For The 21st Century.

 

Dear Warequestrian,

I am so pissed off. There are people firing shots at my head! And I don’t even have one!

Let me explain.

I have traveled the backwoods byways for years, when the moon is full, and I feel motivated by the howl of my dog Eddie. Recently, due to the proliferation of broadband Internet, people have been able to download the movie ‘The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow’.

What the hell?

Johnny Depp is so charming and winning as the protagonist who solves the mystery of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, people think they can take it on themselves to handle me. ‘Hey, if Johnny Depp can do it, why not me?’, like that.

This would drive me to be a chain smoke if I had a head to smoke with. I need to reinstill the fear of God in these people! Please advise.

Jack Peabody, headless horseman.

 

Hey Jacko,

I called a witch doctor friend of mine who works out of Portland, Oregon (He moved there from New Orleans seven years ago on the advice of his chiropractor), and he mailed me a Fear of God kit. I’m forwarding it to you. He advised me to be careful with the snugg and the hot salsa. Those two items seem to give people the most trouble, and if used incorrectly, they can cause penile softness. Trouble with the one head you’ve got left you don’t need, my friend! Good luck, and smash a pumpkin for me.

 

Dear Warnut,

I am dictating this to my friend Mark the monkey, who not only understands my language, but can type. He comes in real handy when we want to surf the net and type out the requisition forms for extra feed when our handlers are asleep.

I am an elephant in the Barnum and Bailey circus. You may have heard of me. I’m Reba, The Amazing Walking Elephant. My elephant friends and I are currently on the animal bubble. It seems animal rights groups have taken up our banner.

Circus cruel to animals!

The elephants have feelings too!

`        Walking around with someone else’s tail in your mouth is degrading!

The circus is about to succumb to the pressure of these people, who by the way, should be trying to save their rain forest instead of stepping all over my deal!

I need your help. You seem like a guy who’s run over a family pet or two. Be a stand up guy for a stand up elephant.

signed

Reba the Amazing Walking Elephant

 

El Trunko,

I have an excellent driving record and am hurt and insulted that you would think I would be so careless and classless as to run down a poor unsuspecting earth bound furry little love of some owners life. (I smacked a Great Dane with my Ford Ranger Edge once, but HE took MY bumper off).

I called my vetenarian friend Mary who teaches animal science at Princeton. She has a feel good ending for you. She called in some favors, and the head of the rights group you mention is currently in an Ocean County, New Jersey, jail on trumped up income tax evasion charges. The prosecutor is going to make a deal to drop all charges if she resigns her position with the group, and the candidate Mary has lined up to step in has been advised of your concerns, and is willing to focus on other issues, like stopping fur coat makers in their tracks, unionizing beavers in The Great Northwest (if they are going to build all those damns, they should be protected by a union!), and making sure every poodle who wants one gets a pedicure. Good luck, and feed Mark the Monkey a peanut for me.

 

Dear Warmist,

I’ve been a locker room attendant for a major health club in a major Metropolitan area for years.

We have a lot of guys who’ve been coming here for thirty years or more. We also have quite a few members who attended our facility for a number of years, and then passed on to that great handball court in the sky.

These are the members that trouble me today.

I’ve noticed, in the last few weeks, during my free time to use the gym, when I decide to take a steam, well, there is no way around this, we have five ghost steamers!

I’ve cleaned the room with Clorox disinfecting wipes, thinking if they can kill germs, maybe the ghosts will think I have a stronger solution in store for them and beat it.

No such luck.

I made up notices saying, “All members, even ghosts, must pay their dues or risk permanent suspension of steam room privileges.”

They didn’t pay, I checked, and they are still taking the steam.

I tried to conference with a psychic who claims to talk to the dead, but all I got out of that was two more dirty towels to wash.

My problem is this: I’ve gone to the director with a plan to charge all members an after life fee, so that if anyone has any ideas about joining our current crop of grandfathered grandfathers, we’ll at least have their fee up front! Now they think I’m crazy, and have threatened my job, which leads me to believe the director has cut some shadowy side deals. How do I extricate myself from this paranormal predicament?

Casper Fegley

 

Hey Casbah,

I’ve overnighted you an electrical kit that has the unusual feature of a quintuple grounded circular voltage negotiator. My old buddy Waylon at his basement lab in Woodstock, New York invented this, when he encountered a similar problem with yardmen. One summer he had three ghosts absolutely destroying his Hydrangea bushes! Be sure and wear the enclosed rubber suit when you plug this sucker in. The instructions for laying the wires throughout the steam room are enclosed. You are going to need a good tile man after installation, but no ghost can resist the pull of the juice.

 

Louie tapped Warren on the shoulder. Warren turned around and Louie spoke while he jogged in place.

Louie said, “I killed last night! Nobody thought Milwaukee would lose to Orlando! Nobody! Cheesesteaks all around! We’re taking my private jet to Philly!” Louie jogged off and called over his shoulder, “One terminal over, we leave in an hour, so you need to get frisky!”

Warren stood, stretched, and called Albie’s room at the HiOrlando resort.

“Good Morning, HiOrlando Resorts, how may I help you?”

Warren said to the sleepy voice, “May I speak to Albie, Jimbo?”

The phone made a thud as it hit the floor. Albie came on the line after about thirty seconds.

“What time is it?”

“Time to get a new lease on a brand new day. Louie is giving us a lift to Philly. Twenty minutes. The private area, concourse D.”

“I might bring a friend for the trip to Philly”

“In keeping with the spirit of brotherly love?”

“He’s part Greek.”

“Diversity is a good thing.”

“Ok, I’m up. I’ll send Jimmy to tell everyone else.”

Warren disconnected the Nokia phone and began his walk toward the private terminal and Philadelphia.

 

Warren looked out the window of the Gulfstream V-SP and watched the state of Florida sweep by. Gators, dead broke millionaires hiding all their money in their mansions, gidgets, MTV, Daytona Beach, CUBA!, Miami Beach, orange groves, two coasts, my God what a state. Even the bugs love it.

“Warren Piece, radio sports talk show host, in a reflective moment.”

Warren looked up at a DV Camera and said, “Lynn, how’s the light in here for shooting?”

“Who cares when you have After Effects?”

“Put the camera down for a moment, and let’s watch the world go by.”

Lynn shut off the DV and sat next to Warren.

Warren said, “Your skin is a very unusual color.”

Lyn said, “My background is part Choctaw, part French, part Italian, and part African.”

“That’s a lot of who’s doin’ who.”

“My family has a real sense of adventure.”

“Have you ever been to Philadelphia?”

“I saw Rocky.”

“Ben Franklin?”

“A museum and a bridge.”

“I’m impressed.”

“I really want to go to South Street tonight. What do you think?”

“You’re free and over 21.”

“I kinda wanted some company.”

“I’ll speak to Jamal.”

“I was hoping for a group outing.”

Jamal approached Warren and Lynn.

“Yo, are we going to South Street tonight?”

Warren looked at Lynn. She smiled. Theotis leaned across the isle. “The moon is in a good phase for adventure and travel in groups.”

Louie emerged from the cockpit. “I’m really jazzed about going to South Street tonight!”

Lily and Yasmine came down the isle punching the air.

“Ba BA Ba Ba BA BA-BA-BA BA BA, BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA, BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA, BA BA BA BA BA BA BA, dund dund da, dund dund da, dund dund da, dund dund da.”

The crew joined in.

“Dund dun dun dun da da da, dun dund und dun dun dund da da da da da da da. Gotta fly now! Gotta fly now! Flying high now!”

The Gulfstream encountered turbulence. Louie, Yasmine, Lily, and Albie hit the deck, still singing.

Warren leaned back in his leather chair, and opened his Powerbook.

 

Back up the ‘Cuda, we’ve got a series!

by Warren Piece

 

The Dallas Plowhorses shocked even themselves when the buzzer sounded and the Utah Jacuzzis were calling their Mommas asking for their favorite blankee and a bottle of milk. The Plowhorses won their first game in what seemed like a millennium to the fans of the Dallas Plowhorses, the ZBA’s best young team.

Plowhorse point guard Don Johnson: “When I hit the go ahead jumper with thirty seconds left, I knew I was drinkin’ tonight! The last time I felt anything that electrifying was when I went to a booty call party at the Playboy mansion. Word up dog!”
Plowhorse guard Michael Adcock: “I know Don Johnson was excited about his jumper, but I needed oxygen after I made those free throws to seal the victory. Don and I looked at each other for a moment after I sank the second basket, and those are the moments that bond you together as teammates. We won’t be sharing girlfriends anytime soon, but we definitely took a step last tonight.”

Utah Jacuzzis guard John Shocky: “I led a tremendous rally by our guys, hell we were ahead with only thirty seconds left! This stuff drives me crazy! I’m getting old, my knees hurt, my back is killing me, and yesterday I filled a prescription for Viagra. Who did we piss off? I’m beginning to think we are the butt of some karmic joke. Where’s Kornpone? I need some Rogaine.”

Dallas Plowhorse foward Yoyo Batch: “I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since Putt Roadkill traded me from the Crepe Suzettes last year. I thought trying to impregnate his girlfriend would make me feel vindicated, but all I got from that was a doctor dissin’ my sperm count.”

Dallas Plowhorses coach Don Bellboy: “We won when we had to. If we had lost this game, we were out of the playoffs. When Yoyo jumped on the scorers table I got so pumped up I jammed my fist in the air. I should have looked behind me, because I inadvertently cleaned the clock of Brendan Amboy, our defensive specialist.”

Brendan Amboy, Dallas defensive specialist: “I guess you’d call that a lights out win, because as soon as we won, my lights went out!”

The Dallas Plowhorses trail the Utah Jacuzzis 2-1 in the first round best of five.

 

The Minnesota Woodies sent everybody but the water boy at San Antonio center Tan Toucan in last night’s 89-83 victory over the Rhinestones at the Bullseye Center.

Minnesota coach Fritz Flop: “They have the two greatest centers in the league over there, and it’s no question we needed to stop one of ‘em. I was prepared to expose myself if our guys couldn’t get the job done by the fourth quarter. I’ve heard Toucan’s very shy, and I figured a clear view of my big man might throw him off just enough to keep us in the series.”

Rhinestones guard Derek Barnes: “We can’t let ourselves worry about this game. The Woodies were down two nothing, faced elimination, they didn’t get frustrated, and now it’s two one. Frustrated is trying to get your agent to give you a proper accounting of the revenue from your sneaker deal. That’s frustrating.”

San Antonio center Tan Toucan: “I have to be more careful, and keep myself in the game. Goliath ‘Maytag’ Robertson is a great center, but when he starts thinking about shore leave in the middle of the third quarter, we’re sunk.”

Minnesota Woodie guard Ray Irwin: “I had over a dozen steals tonight. I just tried to drive Tan And Goliath buggy. Sometimes you’re the duck, and sometimes you’re the decoy. Tonight I was the duck and the decoy. Next game I plan to take up fishing. I’ll be the hook, line, and sinker.”

ZBA Technical supervisor Adam Nudelman: “The Minnesota Woodies wanted me to play the Denver Seattle 1994 playoff series for them before the game, I guess to inspire them, you know, make them believe they could come back from two down in a five game series. But I showed them Die Hard and Deep Throat instead. After the screening they all gave me big tips and authentic game jerseys, so I think I made the right call.”

The San Antonio Rhinestones lead the best of five series 2-1.

 

The Indiana Lace fans used heckles in five separate languages to try and derail the Philadelphia Tallboys last night in the Oakley Outhouse Arena in Indiana, all to no avail.

Philadelphia point guard and all-star Adam Diverman: “This was a hard game. The team that beat us the previous two years isn’t going to give up easy. That’s OK. This kind of effort from opponents brings out the best in Adam Diverman. I’m already pretty damn good, but the level of competition these guys come with takes my game to such a high level, my muscles cramp, and I almost pass out. Anybody got a mirror? I want to make sure Adam Diverman is still breathing.”

Indian coach Joab Franklin: “We stopped the Tallboys on defense. We used a quicker, smaller team to break down their offense. But they still managed to get to the foul line. That’s a shame, but there is nothing we can do about that now. But for the next game, we’re going to paint over the free throw line. Hopefully by the time anyone notices, we’ll be so far ahead even the officials won’t be able to get the Tallboys back in the game! Home court, baby!”

Tallboys power foward Mott Hoople: “My brother is a hockey player in a local league, and I was missing him terribly, so I gave point guard Snoop B. Shot a check into the boards in his honor, only there are no boards in the ZBA, so he fell into the photographers.”

Philadelphia inquire photographer Don Palmore:   “Don’t these guys ever shower before a game? After Snoop B. put his funk on me I smell like Tina Turner after an outdoor concert in Vegas! Damn!”

Indian Lace star Rudy Mulliner: “I’ve got my Palm Pilot out and I’m going through our missed opportunities. It’s kind of hard because my Palm Pilot is buggy since I bounced it off the head of coach Joab Franklin last Wednesday when he suggested I shoot less threes and concentrate more on D. Who did he think he was talking to, Boston three point shooter Donny Angles?

We played well, had our chances, but half our roster needs a good backhand or two after this display of basketball. I said before the game in the locker room in a pretty emotional speech for me, ‘All we want is to be close in the fourth quarter, and I’ll take you home’. I didn’t realize most of our guys idea of home is the ZBA cellar and a box of cheese puffs.”

Philadelphia Tallboys coach Lonnie Williams: “I thought center Mott Hoople came through and played a great game for us. Plus, Mott is dating my daughter, so I guess now is as good a time as any to jump start this loser’s career.”

The Philadelphia Tallboys lead the Indiana Lace 2-1 in the best of five.

 

The Orlando Tricks received awards, won a fistfight, and cleared the hurdle known as the Milwaukee Greatbuns by finally beating the Greatbuns in game three of the best of five.

Orlando Trick Most Improved Player of the Year guard Dale Earnhardt Jr.: “I played fifty minutes tonight, the last twenty-five with that Most Improved player award on my back. I tied the scoring record set by Patsy Buffalo? Good! Now maybe I can miss a few shots without the fans breaking out those L’il Patsy Buffalo mannequins.”

Orlando coach Babbling Brook: “We’ve finally beaten the Milwaukee Greatbuns! We had a bunch of heroes tonight, and now maybe we can build on this win, realize we can play with the Greatbuns, and advance to the next round of this circus. Somebody shoot me a three!”

Milwaukee guard Gay Adam: “We finally stopped screwing with coach George Paul and got our heads into the game. We thought it was funny playing greedy basketballso we could watch coach George Paul shed a few more hairs and go for the Krispy Kremes. Even though we got a few good dunks off and came close, we ran out of gas in the overtime. This is what happens when you take a good joke too far. Who’s got next?”

Milwaukee Greatbun coach George Paul: “We thought this was going to be easy, a coupla dunks, a few dozen threes, some screen for Gay, matador D, and we’re done. But this is the ZBA, and you can’t approach games with that attitude. The guys thought this game was a big joke. Hey, Henny Youngman was a great comedian, but he couldn’t shoot for shit. Wanna watch me down a whole can of Kool Whip?”

Referee Jack Barnes: “I thought I was multiple fracture candidate for sure when Orlando foward Jay Moral and Greatbun Shot Willing got tangled up near the Tricks bench. Stan Hoist got involved, guard Dale Earnhardt Jr. jumped in for the Tricks, then Trick Trekkie McSanford and Greatbun Gin Clifford began to have a Mike Tyson moment. I had my mace ready! Luckily, two of the Greatbun cheerleaders started making out, ZBA technical advisor Adam Nudelman put them on the Free Throw Warehouse JumboTron, and that got the player’s attention long enough for me to call four technicals and make a few thousand in fines for the league.”

The Orlando Tricks trail the Milwaukee Greatbuns 2-1 in the best of five first round series.

 

Last night the Houston Crocketts spent another night in the Biodome outside of Tucson, Arizona.

Houston Crockett guard Stan Franks: “We’ve taken over the suite at The Inn at Biosphere Two. Aheem has shown some of the students here how to sauté the genetically engineered broccoli, and we’ve ordered a tractor trailer of ribs which should be here by the weekend. Coach Tomjohnabitch gave us all L.L. Bean catalogues and recyclable plastic Sprint PCS telephones. I am personally in charge of the student carpenters. They are a real sharp bunch, and we’ve already drawn up blueprints for the ZBA sized court, which we’re going to construct in the desert section of The Dome. We’ll have big solar power fan blowing on the court at all times, so we’ll be playing in a five to ten mile per hour desert wind. This should be great for our game and our complexion. I’ve gotta go, the guy from Direct TV is here. We got game!”

 

The playoffs resume tonight in Portland, Phoenix, and Toronto.

 

Albie Darling stood in front of the crew and looked at her itinerary. “We’re about to land at Cheesequake Airport. We’ll be riding into Philly, where we’ll be taking over the Thomas Bond House, a cool bed and breakfast within three point range of Philadelphia’s Independence National Historic Park. We’ll leave for Colony Hangout Arena, which will be devoid of Tallboys as they are in Indianapolis in the midst of a four day layover waiting to, as Jamal so poetically put it, ‘Make geldings of the Indianapolis Lace’, at noon. We will each have our own quarterhorse, and I’ve bought Lily a long blonde wig, as I’m sure a chance to do a Lady Godiva won’t go wanting.”

Lily said, “Albie, you know me too well.”

Albie said, “Me and over half the ZBA players.”

Jamal said, “I’m on that list!”

Louie’s personal pilot Jeremy said over the intercom, “Please prepare for takeoff, I mean landing.”

Theotis said, “I detect a Scorpio in the pilot’s chair!”

Albie took a seat, and the Gulfstream began it’s descent into Cheesequake International Airport.”

 

“Good afternoon and welcome to WBET, The sports beat of Philadelphia and KSPT, KSPORT Houston. This is the Piece of the Afternoon radio show, with me, Warren Piece, our group astrologer Theotis Holland, my partner Mad Wolf Sherman, sports reporter Lily Creamer, Houston Crockett phenom guard Jamal Deadburn, and our producer Albie Darling. We’d like to thank Munch and the Mad Dog for giving us their afternoon slot for a day. Albie, where have the boys chosen to gone on our dime?”

Albie said, “The boys have gone to Penn’s landing to eat junk food and tour the World War 2 submarine Becuna. They will take the ferry toward Camden, New Jersey, and according to Munch, just before the boat docks they are going to scream ‘anywhere but Camden’ and jump overboard.”

Mad Wolf said, “Weird.”

Albie said, “Well maybe not when you hear part two. The original cast of Baywatch is in the area for a reunion show where they have to commandeer the submarine moored at Philadelphia’s Independence Seaport Museum for a daring sea rescue of a boy and his dog.”

Mad Wolf said, “All these years later, and the plots are still good as ever.”

Albie said, “Munch and the Dog are touring the boat to gather intel on which ferry the girls are going over on, then they are going to hatch their plan.”

Warren said, “They know that was a TV show, and the girls aren’t real lifegaurds, right?”

Albie said, “They said, ‘We’ll take a shot and see if they can beat the buzzer’. Regardless, they want us to meet them after the show at Katmandu in the shadow of the Ben Franklin Bridge for beers and Bar-B-Que. Then we’ll all go for some serious jazz at Zanziba Blue, then explore South Street, all in the company of their new best friends, the girls of Baywatch.”

Jamal said, “I like new friends.”

Warren said, “Sid on his cell phone from the The Mutter Museum, you’re on WBET and KSPORT.”

“Hi guys, welcome to the city of brotherly love.”

“Thanks.” “Uh-ah-yes.” “Yo.” “Hiya.” “Bro.”

“I listen to this station every day. It keeps me sane, living my life here among the wax models of tumors and infections, closets of skeletons, and pickled internal organs. It’s like Nightmare on Elm Street without Jamie Lee Curtis.”

Lily said, “I could be Jamie Lee Curtis for you.”

Sid said, “Are you the one who was on the horse sideways a few minutes ago?”

Lily said, “Yes, and I’ve still got on my blonde wig.”

Sid said, “I’ve got the DVD of the Houston Crocketts Championship season highlights if you’d like to stop by the museum and watch it in my office.”

Lily said, “Fax me you driver’s license photo, and we’ll talk.

Warren said, “Sid, did you have a sports question, or should we just charge you the standard dating service fee and be done with it?”

“No, I wanted to know if you think The Lace are going to pull back in this series, or if the Tallboys could rely on Adam Diverman, sore elbow and all, to pull them out of the nation’s heartland with an advance to the next round?”

Mad Wolf said, “The key to the Tallboys is sixth man Chad McIntosh. He can come into a game and throw down ten points, grab five or six defensive boards, and be on the bench reading the latest edition of GQ before Rudy Mulliner gets his bony elbow into his ribs and has a chance to trash his momma. That guy takes a lot of pressure off Diverman and compliments the efforts of his teammates in the tradition of all great sixth men.”

“Lynn from Salivate, Texas, you’re on WBET, the sports beat of Philadelphia and KSPORT, Houston.”

“Hi ya’ll. I just got in from painting my fences. I was about to jump in the shower when I heard you guys taking about sixth men. I had a party here at my spread last night, and the first five guys I tried to put a move on wound up drunk and passed out in the ranch house. It was the sixth man who knew how to ride the bull, rope the calf, stay on ‘till the buzzer. I agree, the sixth man is invaluable.”

“Don from Center City, you’re on WBET and KSPORT.”

“I am on a break from a book signing at the Museum of American Art…”

Mad Wolf said, “What book?”

Don said, “I just published a coffee table book of my Western portraits. The Museum has an exhibition running through August 12th, and they’ve been gracious enough to allow me to fly in and out and make appearances and get to know the wonderful art patrons of Philadelphia.”

Jamal said, “You ever paint a basketball player in the middle of a two handed jam?”

Don said, “A basketball player making a two handed jam on a dust covered court into a metal rim with several cows looking on at sunset, something like that, I would love to paint that.”

Jamal said, “Could I wear a Stetson?”

“Preferable, and boots.”

“And spurs?”

“Better to catch the light.”

Warren said, “Lynn from Salivate, are you still on the line.”

Lynn said, “Yes, boys, I’ve taken my phone into the shower. I’m all in a lather listening to you.”

Warren said, “Hey, Lynn, when we’re back in the big town, how about Jamal and Don come to your spread and set up a western classic painting?”

“Sounds great!”

“We’ll be in town May fifth and sixth. Albie, talk to Lynn and get contact numbers. Don, get your easels packed, you’re going to Salivate, Texas! Back with Jamal’s take on the Philadelphia Tallboys, after this.”

Warren stood, stretched, and went to ask Albie to order some Cheesesteaks.

 

Hello everyone, you’re on WBET, The Beat of Philadelphia, and KSPORT, Houston, and this is A Piece of the Afternoon Show. Jamal Deadburn, Houston Crockett sophomore guard and the only man I know who has a signed poster from Sly and the family Stone in his locker, is going to give us his take on the Philadelphia Tallboys.”

“Thanks, Mr. Piece, hosebag. I’ve been watching the Tallboys progress through the playoffs, and I have some confusion. I think the man from the Congo, with the sharp elbows and the great stock portfolio, has lost the ability to leave the floor. I think somebody has told him the MVP award will go to the center that doesn’t leave the floor for the last fifty games of the season. Adam Diverman, on the other hand, seems to have jet propulsion devices embedded in his sneakers. He is rarely on the floor when he is four feet in or closer.

They do have a distinct advantage in Coach Lonnie Williams. The guy has coached every conceivable type of team, and he’s got several styles of playbooks.

The current series in Indiana shows his current playing philosophy. Make sure Diverman has a clean elbow sleeve for each game, and gets his bite plate out of the Listerine before every game.

That’s it. Simplicity. He’s coached those boys all year, and he’s lettin’ ‘em play in Indiana. I think the two stars of the Tallboys, six foot guard Adam Diverman and seven foot center Dickie Tango, can get them past the Joab Franklin coached Indiana Lace.

After that, Coach Williams will have to re-group. I’m going out for a tatoo.”

“Thanks Jamal, we’ll be back after this for Studson Hats.”

Warren reached out and took a cheesesteak from Theotis, who was walking around the makeshift control room at The Colony Hangout Arena with a box from Jim’s Steaks, smiling broadly and walking with a definite spring in his step.

Mad Wolf said, “Theotis, I swear you were born under the sign of Arby’s.”

Theotis smiled and handed Mad Wolf a cheesesteak and extra napkins.

“Sagittarius’s are notoriously messy eaters.”

 

“Rocky from Society Hill, you’re on WBET, The Beat Of Philadelphia, and KSPORT Houston.”

“Yo, I just came up from the basement and heard your man Jamal dissin’ Coach Williams, you know. I’ve had dinner with the Coach and his family, he’s even helped me with my workouts, you know what I mean? He’s a great motivator. He’s got a big heart, you know?”

Jamal said, “I’m with you Rock, but when the team loses, the coach has to take the fall, yo.”

Rocky said, “I’ll take the fall for him. I love that guy. He’s a personal hero of mine.”

Mad Wolf said, “Jamal, we are in the city of brotherly love.”

Theotis said, “The birthdate of this city makes it a classical Pisces. Soulful.”

Warren said, “Lily, do you have your sexual rating of the Philadelphia Tallboys?”

Lily said, “Hi everyone, hello Rock, this is Lily Creamer with a look at the sex appeal of the Philadelphia Tallboys. I used a disguise for this foray into the backwaters of the ZBA. My usual assortment of spying equipment was in place, put there by my excellent advance team, who shall remain nameless, at least until they cross me up and I want to get back at them for some trivial slight, but I wanted more of a man on the street feel for this report.

Since the regular season is behind us, I posed as a memorabilia dealer looking for Tallboys commemorative merchandise from their highly successful season. Team President LeRoy Brown was happy to show me around the Tallboy locker room. We five fingered items from every locker and went to his office here at the Colony Hangout Arena. He gave me a very enthusiastic speech about honoring the athletes privacy, and then laughed through his nose, dimmed the lights, and showed me a collection of video clips his nephew had strung together on his I-Book which showed the Tallboys locker room during the throes of celebration after each of their 56 regular season wins.

I slipped out around win 33, having seen enough and becoming leary of LeRoy’s encroachment into my personal space.

Based on the evidence presented to me in LeRoy’s office, I concluded that the Tallboys spend more than the usual amount of time fooling around after wins, but I never saw a single Tallboy extended for a slam dunk, if you know what I’m sayin’. I guess that comes from spending too much time studying video tape, or carrying those cell phones in a close proximity to your party gear.

I would rate the Tallboys, based on the equipment I witnessed in LeRoy’s locker room videos, a thirty minute tread mill, seventy sit up, sauna and steam workout at the local Reebok Sports club.”

“Thanks Lily, Rock, are you still on the line?”

“Yeah, I’m on my portable now. Everlast wanted to go for a walk.”

“You’ve got a dog named Everlast?”

“Yo, Lily, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of the average Philadelphia athlete. I’m going to fax you a picture of me taken last week while I was jogging on the steps of the Philadelphia museum. It was taken while I was on the upswing, if you know what I’m sayin’”

Warren said, “Albie, give Rock our fax number here. We’ll be back after this.”

Mad Wolf said, “That’s one fax I won’t be getting a copy of.”

Jamal said, “I hear that. Now if some some Rockettes were in the photo with Rock, I might be down with that.”

Theotis belched, and Lily went to the fax machine.

 

“Duncan from Amarillo, you’re on WBET, The Sport Beat of Philadelphia, and KSPORT Houston.”

“Hi. Hey Mad Wolf boy, how you doin’? We miss your calls every Tuesday morning at the cattle auction.”

Mad Wolf said, “Well thanks Dunc. I’ve been thinking I’d get back up that way one Tuesday for some fried rattlesnake and buffalo chili. How are you getting the show in the panhandle?”

“Satellite.”

Jamal said, “High tech cowboys. Next they’ll be beamin’ cows from one ranch to the other.”

Duncan said, “Don’t think we’ve haven’t talked about it. We’d start with the feed, of course, and work up to the cows. Hey, Piece, how about them San Antonio Rhinestones?”

Warren said, “Tomorrow night could be the night. One more classic Toucan performance and the Minnesota Woodies are reaching for their roster with a red pen and ordering jerseys with different names for next year.”

“If the Rhinestones win tomorrow night I’m taking my honey to Vegas to see Siegfried and Roy!”

Mad Wolf said, “Enjoy Dunc! I’ll call you when we wrap up our ZBA road tour, and we’ll discuss how to spot a good heifer.”

Warren said, “We’ll be back with Theotis Holland horoscope for the Philadelphia Tallboys, after this.”

Albie took the show to break.

 

“This a Piece of the Afternoon Sports Talk Show on WBET, The Beat of Philadelphia, and KSPORT, Houston. Theotis Holland, astrologer for the crew, has the horoscope for the Philadelphia Tallboys. T.”

“Hello everyone, ah, uh, ah, and hello Pisces of the world. The Philadelphia Tallboys are the perfect mix of astrological signs. The team has a Cancer coach, who distributes nurturing and intimate relationships, manly intimate relationships of course, and brings out hidden potential in his star’s supporting cast.

The team wants togetherness, pursues togetherness, and has even been spotted tying each other’s shoelaces during timeouts. The future will test the good will built this year. The transit moon moving through Sagittarius bodes well for continued success in the playoffs. However, the ZBA has stretched the playoff game schedule to such a degree, this transit may move so fast that it’s influence will not last long enough to have the desired effect on the final outcome, winning a ZBA Championship.

I detect a lunar influence in team president’s LeRoy Brown’s chart, which will cause him to be more demanding over the summer, regardless of the outcome of the playoffs. This may result in a loss of LeRoy’s presence in the Colony Hangout Arena. No more free hoagies and skybox tickets for Mr. Brown! Freakin’ fired for bringing the wrong kind of uh, pressure!

The popularity of the current players will rise and fall based on the Pluto’s conjunction with the sun. The future is ah, bright as long as The Tallboys don’t trade for a Virgo with Gemini rising.”

Warren said, “T, thanks you. Woody from Harrisburg, the capitol of Pennsylvania, you’re on WBET and KSPORT.”

“HI. I’m a Pennsylvania legislator on the budget committee. I’m glad you guys stopped in Philadelphia, it can only help the economy of Philly and the state in general to have some of that Houston oil money spread around the most historic area in the United States. I was wondering if Theotis could forecast a horoscopical budget that would make more sense than the crap the Republican governor is pushing? Go Tallboys! Gotta love Adam Diverman!”

Theotis said, “I perceive you’re feeling a little financial pressure, which I deduce from your voice stress readout Albie has been so kind as to provide me. This means you have a nervous energy brought on by your North Node being in the eighth house.

You are in no position to dictate terms, and would be better served letting someone take care of you at this point in your life, like say the paddlewheeler captain at City Island. Summer’s here, save the budget battles for the fall, when the sun moving through Mercury will have everyone in the Pennsylvania government base in Harrisburg in a better mood. Tallboys in three!”

Jamal said, “I wouldn’t mind going to City Island in Harrisburg myself. I love a concrete beach.”

Warren said, “Well, let’s go! Capitol of Pennsylvania, here we come. This is Warren Piece for Theotis Holland, Mad Wolf Sherman, Lily Creamer, Jamal Deadburn, and our producer Albie Darling. Thanks for listening. Looks like we’re goin swimming! Here’s to the Kivitzing Life!”

Albie began the work of rejoining the stations regular programming. Warren walked out of the makeshift control room and stood looking over the Colony Hangout Arena. His Nokia cell phone rang.

“Hello,” he said into the Nokia 5000B.

“Hi, babe.”

“Kanois, my God girl, where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been in Milan making patterns of my designs for Spiegel to sell in fabric stores.”

“So, that’s going well?”

“Well? Wellll heelll, as you southern boys like to say. Dole has been invaluable, and I think I’m close to returning his entire investment, although I might want to stick to the original repayment plan, just to have the money to float on any new projects that might come out of this. He’s been a sweetheart.”

“Let’s play word association. I say Trojan, you think…”
“Oh, Dole Harper, definitely! What, do you think I’m that cheap?”

“I seem to remember something about a gun and a steam room.”

“I know sweetie, we never got closure on that. I’ve gotta run, I’ll try to be in Houston on May third.”

“Kanois, our date for Houston is May Fifth.”

The line was dead.

“Sports talk show host Warren Piece, in a reflective moment after he gets hung on by one of his many girlfriends.”

“Lynn, get you’re swimsuit, waterproof your camera, we’re headed to Harrisburg for a quick swim. Louie’s rented three white limos. We leave immediately.”

“I’ll meet you at the Thomas Bond House.”

Warren turned back to the court of The Colony Hangout Arena, where Jamal, Lily, Theotis, and Mad Wolf were engaged in a game of five on five with some of the Colony Hangout maintenance staff.

“You know what, maybe we’ll cancel Harrisburg, watch a little ball, and then go to South Street.”

Lynn turned her camera back on Warren.

“Warren Piece, sports talk show host, in an indecisive moment.”

Warren’s Nokia rang. “Hello.”

“Warren, Louie. Ya’ll coming?”

“Louie, we’ve gotten into something here at the Arena.”

“OK, babe, meet you at South Street. We’ve got Jimbo with us.”

The connection terminated, and Warren took Lynn by the arm and escorted her to courtside.

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