F.A.Q. Advice for the 21st Century

FAQ 117 ORLANDO

 

Warren approached the Colonial Airlines terminal in L.A.’s Kevitch Airport. He chose a NetZero terminal near the window with a view of the seating area to minimize the element of surprise, and signed on to F.A.Q….Advice For the 21st Century.

 

Dear Warbell,

I’m a sanitation worker for a medium sized midwestern town. My Dad was the high school principal, so my family is used to dealing with the garbage in this community. I have an aunt on my mother’s side who won the Powerball Lottery once, and she decided I would be a good person to invest her money since I knew all about making an honest living. One day, after leaving the eye doctor in the middle of the afternoon with pupils so dilated I could have used a guide dog, I tried to drive home. About a mile from my house I hit a particularly bad sun flare and drove my SUV into the last existing full sized phone booth in my town.

You would have thought I shot Whitney Houston dead, for Chrissakes! People called for my job, my kids were barraged with foul language, some of it very creative, and my wife threatened to leave me ‘for someone who respects America’.

I’ve taken to disconnecting every pay phone I came across. I simply take the reciever off the hook, and let it dance in the air. Somehow, this helps me.

I stopped this practice after I won a lawsuit against my eye doctor for overuse of dilation fluid. Somehow the money helped me as well.

I bought the kids goats and had Lasik surgery. I offered to pay the phone bill of 100 people picked at random from entries deposited in a giant plastic phone located at the mall. I tried to spread the love.

My problem is this.

I want to have a memorial. Who can I contact about building a sculpture. The sculpture will be a phone booth with me in it, eyes wide, mouth open, staring at an oncoming vehicle represented by the reflection of headlights in the phone booth glass. Who do I call?”

signed,

your call cannot be completed at this time.

 

Hey Lily Tomlin,

Join me as I sing, “Driving that train, high on cocaine, Casey Jones you better, watch your speed, trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that phone booth, I just crushed into lime, aannnddd you know that phone booth, is crushed into liiiiimmmmeeeeee.”

I’ve enclosed in an e-mail to you an attachment containing the address of a video conferencing expert for Verizon. If you’re going to make a magnamamous gesture, then make a BIG one! A phone booth with free video conferencing for a month of Sundays.

Plus, since he works for Verizon, he can send you a case of really cool travel mugs with snap on tops that won’t pop off even if you nail your next phone booth at light speed. You can take your hot coffee to the great beyond!

I’ve also given your information to a close friend of mine who runs a sculpting institute in the Chelsea section of New York City. She has some very talented sculptors, and she says she’ll be happy to send one to your home to create the art you desire.

Two things.

One, they don’t come cheap.

Two, all human forms are done au natural. You’ve got a month to buff up. Pass the Creatine pills, Janet, I’m going to the phone booth. Good luck, and keep it between the ditches.

 

Warpin,

I am a 42 year old man who learned my skills from my father, who learned his skills from his father before him, so on and so on. I must say, we’ve only gotten better with time.

You might recognize some of my recent work.

I was the guy responsible for the fall of Enron.

I caused Maria Carey’s breakdown.

I caused Clive Davis’s ouster at Arista.

I’m responsible for all of Warren Beatty’s movies over the last decade. (That one I did for personal reasons.)

That’s right, I’m the man in charge of corporate curses.

in the early 1900’s my great grandfather took a cruise with his third wife to the Gold Coast of Africa. From there he went to Haiti. Then to the Philippines. Then to Shang-hi. Next stop, the Siberian Desert. And he wound up his journey on Chicago’s south side.

He kept a journal on this six month trip. Relaxing over the summer at Martha’s Vineyard, he realized while on his travels he had accumulated singular data in each location, yet all the data seemed to fit together somehow. He took his notes to a friend at Princeton University. They had a meeting of the 13 smartest guys on campus at a drinking party held at The Boar’s club, an on campus underground soon to be speak easy.

These guys, once they had a few pots of coffee in them the next morning, began deciphering their drunken scrawl on cocktail napkins from the night before. They found the connecting links in my grandfather’s notes. All the places he’d been, except Chicago, had provided him with an incantation specific to a certain business malady. The Chicago notes gave him the secrets of implementation and infiltration.

Our family has used this knowledge judiciously, often taking years between applications. Remember the nineties? Nothing from us!

My problem is this: My son, who has yet to be initiated into the ways of the family, wants to become an Olympic Snowboarder. He already has the hairstyle, the wardrobe, and I’ve paid for top flight Colorado winter sport instructors since he could walk.

I mean, the kids prepared. I’m worried about the competitive nature of this sport. What happens if he discovers the incantations we designed especially for the 1980 hockey team, or the ones we used to help the 1986 Giants? (Bill Parcells??? Pllleeease!)

signed

I’ve got a line on you,

 

Hey Polygon head,

I’ve been in contact with the Irish American chapter of your group (What? You thought you were alone in that marketplace?)

Shawn recommends a test run for your son. Spend some time with him on his favorite snowboarding slope, pick one of his best friends, and take him down. Not in a permanent way, just a season ending injury. See how your kid reacts.

If he shows true remorse, you’ve got no problem. If he says something like ‘That’s the way the mop flops! Let’s go to IHOP and beat the crowd’, you’re still OK. The reaction you don’t want is ‘With him out of the way, I’m king of the cats!’

The implication is obvious.

Shawn says if you need to send your offspring to him for some Irish Catholic conditioning before entrusting him the family secrets, he’s glad to help out a brother.

For the usual fee.

Good luck, and don’t let the pot boil over.

 

Hey Wardows,

I’m an avid laptop computer user. I’ve been using laptops since they weighed ten pounds and had to be burped after every new application was loaded. I’ve loaded every beta piece of software I can get my hands on, and crashed and burned more times than Robert Downey Jr.

I love my computer.

I’ve recently encountered a problem.

That freakin’ hourglass has started to really get on my nerves. I also play the drums, and some of my best solos have come after trying to download software from the internet, or trying to boot up Windows NT, but I’m playing my skins so much over this hourglass thing my the blisters on my fingers don’t have time to heal, even using a high quality cortisone cream.

Am I losing my love for portable computers?

Absolutely not!

But could the people who’ve brought us more intellectual mobility than Leonardo Di Vinci could’ve envisioned please come up with a new standard icon?

Playing Inna-a-gadda-da-vida every other day,

Ray

 

Hey Ray,

I just got off the phone with Microsoft’s top icon developer, a Jimie Flux. He said they have tried all sorts of code to dispense with the hourglass, but apparently there are forces at work here even the Mr. Softee doesn’t quite grasp. They’re pr department is blaming everything on Steve Jobs, but I got the feeling they are kind of freaking out about this issue.

I went to the David Bowie website, because they claim to be omnipresicent about these things.

Nothing.

So I called an old high school friend of mine who sends most of his time these days fishing for bass. He told me to go to timeinabottle.com and I could download my choice of icons to replace the hourglass. Currently I’m using a rotating nude Madonna (from 1989) icon.

I’m sending you the address.

By the way, I found out the reason Microsoft couldn’t deprogram the icon in their programs is it was bundled with old code that reports to them how many people misspelled the word Microsoft in their Word documents.

Apparently this information was important to their marketing department.

Good luck, and here’s to a virus free week!

 

Warren smelled a funny odor. He turned around and was confronted by a giant Minnie Mouse.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I just ate the last piece of cheese.”

Minnie raised her mouse hand and pointed a fifty-millimeter Winchester Deer Hunter revolver at Warren’s head. Warren pushed off with his left hand and landed hard on his right shoulder as they gun exploded it’s identifying roar through the early morning silence of the Kevitch airport. Warren rolled over and over as bullets tore up carpet just behind him.

He reached the point of no return as he rolled up against a big plastic foot belonging to Goofy the Dog.

Warren said, “Didn’t I see this in a Gary Busey movie once?”

He pulled on Goofy’s knee and managed to throw off his aim enough to cause only a graze wound on his left leg.

Warren pushed up and into Goofy, saying, “Now I’m really pissed off.”

Goofy, weighted down by the costume, fell over easily. Warren grabbed Goofy’s gun and spun to face Mickey.

Mickey crashed to the carpeted hallway as he was tackled from behind. Dave ’The Riddler‘ Kroft pulled at the Mickey mask and Warren kept the gun trained on Goofy. A luggage cart, modified for high speed transport between terminals, flew to a stop near the crowd. Sleepy, Dopey, and Barney the Dinosaur leapt off, tackled Warren and David, picked up Mickey and Goofy, and sped off.

The airport security showed up ten seconds later.

“We’re sorry we missed the action, but there was a union vote on the pension plan this morning we really couldn’t miss.”

Warren said, “That’s OK, but if you don’t mind, I think I’ll just give my statement at the nurses station.”

One of the occifers said, “You’ll do what we say, pal, this is our jurisdiction.”

Warren looked at the officer.

“Perhaps I can be of some assistance.”

Louie walked up behind the airport police, extending his card and his hand.

The policeman looked at Louie’s hand, at his card, and then at his partner.

“What, exactly, is a PASLAMS?”

“Producer, actor, singer, lawyer, agent, mensch and shithead, at your service. I noticed you boys looked awfully authoritative in those uniforms. I’m willing to offer you representation right here on the spot!”

Yasmine walked up and took Louie’s arm.

“How about a good morning kiss, sweetie?”

Louie looked at the officers, “My assistant.”

Warren walked toward the Jetway.

Lily approached with Jamal and Lynn in tow. Lynn was shooting Kevitch airport with her DV Camera. She trained it on the officers.

Louie said, “Some more of my advance team.”

Warren disappeared down the Jetway, Theotis and Mad Wolf walked past the group and toward the boarding gate.

Louie said, “My next picture is called Gators at the Airport. It’s a biotech thriller. I can see you guys taking over the film about halfway through, when the action shifts to he airport baggage claim area. You guys have any acting experience?”

Albie strolled up to the crew and said, “All aboard.”

“I watched a lot of C.H.I.P.S growing up!”

“I once beat the crap out of Alice Cooper during a strip search!”

Louie said over his shoulder, “Perfect, babe. Call my office at the end of your shift. I’m headed to the east coast to meet with some heavy hitters. Let them think they have all the good ideas, you boys know how that is!”

The policeman waved, “Don’t do no silly shit while you’re there!”

The crew disappeared down the Jetway.

The officers turned to each other.

“You want to go to the Delta terminal, see if there are any wackos over there?”

“Sure. Nice job dodging that paperwork. I think that one guy isn’t hurt too bad. I noticed he moved pretty good toward the Jetway.”

“One day maybe I really will beat the crap out of Alice Cooper during a strip-search.”

“If you strip-search Alice Cooper, you’re on your own, pal.”

The cops laughed and strolled up the corridor toward the high security area, occasionally looking over their shoulder at approaching luggage carts, just in case Mickey and the boys hadn’t vacated the premises.

 

Louie approached Warren after the Colonial airlines flight had achieved cruising altitude. “I didn’t want to alarm the ladies or that peacenik Theotis, but I think someone is trying to make our transitions into and out of Kevitch Airport more difficult than they need to be.”

“Where’s Lynn and that camera?”

“She’s up front playing hearts with Wolf, Jamal, and Lily.”

“It’s Dole. I don’t know why, but he’s whacking away at our good karma.”

“BASTARD!”

“Louie, keep this under your hat.”

“I’ll keep it in the vault.”
“You and Yasmine seem to have moved on to a new place in your relationship.”

“That guy Riddler is changing my life.”

“Endorphins?”

“I don’t know the name of everything he’s giving me.”

“Party on Louie.”

“Party on Warren. Hey Lily.”

“Hi Lou.”

Lily sat down next to Warren as he opened his Powerbook.

“Warren, we’re on our way to one of the theme park capitols of the world, and guys show up at Kevitch airport in cartoon costumes. Somebody is sending us a message. We know where you’ve been and we know where you’re going.”

Warren took Lily’s hand. “Look, Lil, if you want to bail, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Bail? I just wanted to know if you could get me three hundred dollars out of petty cash. Wolf has a great Colt 232 DEA Special, and if I have to arm myself, I think the show should pay for it.”

Lily turned her back to Warren, “And I hear you give a great massage. My back is kind of tight. Would you?”

Warren closed his Powerbook and returned it to it’s case. Orlando was a few hours away, and he had a lot of time to fill.

 

Putt Roadkill Boards Bus To Dogtrack

by

Warren Piece

 

In a development as startling as discovering the lost city of Atlantis, last night the Miami Crepe Suzzettes folded like a corporation with a bad accountant. The Charlotte Crumpetts took it to the Suzzettes with several former Suzzettes taunting Miami coach Roadkill during the deciding fourth quarter with their play and hustle.

Coach Putt Roadkill: “There was no competition. I tried to fax in my resignation during the second quarter but my wife forgot to charge the batteries in my palm pilot. I blame her for our loss.”

Former Crepe Suzette Jamak Washblue: “When I was traded last year in that ridiculous nine player deal I made a secret vow. I wrote it down…I have it here somewhere…let’s see…oh yeah…”My name is Dawn, I’m 22, auburn haired, and like long walks on the beach…wait, that’s the wrong piece of paper.”

Charlotte point guard Buddy Rothchild: “Washblue’s defense, his intensity, everything was on a whole ‘nother level for this series. I think he played the whole thing with a boner.”

Former Crepe Suzette Pajama Cyan: “There is a power in the headbands. We decided to wear them after a big fan that is a patriarch of one of the old Charlotte families cut Buddy’s name into her blue hair. That made us feel special, so we wanted to do something to show team unity. We weren’t gonna mess with our do’s, we’re not that dedicated, but the headbands worked out good, plus if a chick is at your crib, and asks do you have anything she can wear to bed, you can give her one of the headbands! Perfect!”

Miami center Fonzie Cloaking: “We struggled getting the ball inside to me, foward Paulie Smuckers, and our new guy who was supposed to be so great but has yet to impress me, Bumper Crop. I don’t know why we got creamed every time out this series. Maybe with a healthy Miami Crepe Suzette team, we win this series. But maybes don’t part no water in the ZBA, so we’re screwed again. The Sopranos is coming back for another season, so at least we have that to look foward to. Excuse, me, I’ve got to go trash Roadkill’s office.”

The Charlotte Crumpets move on to face the winner of the Milwaukee Greatbun Orlando Trick series in the second round of the ZBA playoffs.

The Miami Crepe Suzettes put all their gear in black Hefty bags, climbed into their imported sports cars, and dropped off radar of the ZBA playoffs.

 

Last night the Houston Rockets took a field trip to Tucson to visit the Biodome. Coach Rudy Tomjohnabitch broke the ground rules and called me from inside the dome on his Satphone.

“Well, Warren, I’m here among the genetically enhanced Chrysanthemums. The team seems to be enjoying the trip, although we expected a more formal atmosphere. I’ve got our pr department working on a scheme to get our guys locked in here for the duration of the playoffs. They could tend the gardens, work with the students from Columbia on ocean experiments, and reach the really high stuff on the kitchen shelves.”

The ZBA playoffs resume tonight.

 

Frank,

Well, it happened again, at the Kevitch airport, again. More gunplay. I swear, that airport is a Houston microcosm. Dole showed up at the Swan pool, but disappeared in a flurry of overturned tables and muzzle blasts. That guy is a walking pistol range. The fact that Mad Wolf seems determined to outfit every member of the crew with their own personal firearm adds to the explosiveness of our situation, if you will.

Please advise me of any booby traps, and I’ll keep an eye out for boobs on this end.

Warren Piece

 

Albie stood at the front of the Colonial Airlines jet and spoke to the crew.

“OK, we’re 44 minutes from touchdown at Orlando’s Carefree Airport. We’ll be staying at the HiOrlando resort. We’ll be biking to the Dew Drop In Arena on fifteen speed Italian racing bikes. Meet at the pool at noon. The Riddler wants us all to do some laps before we bike to the Arena. He’ll have protein drinks and ginseng, so we’ll all be pumped for the show.

Lynn has requested permission to shoot video indiscriminately. She’s not sure where the shoot is going, but she wants to take an avante-guard approach to her documentary of our trip through the cities of the ZBA, and let the chips fall where they may. She wants everyone to sign waivers, but I told her we’re radio professionals, don’t waive rights to anything, and she’ll be lucky if one of us doesn’t recycle her camera at some point in the near future. Did I get the sentiment right?”

“Ah, uh, a slight move by Jupiter into the house of Capricorn, and that camera would be ah uh toast.”

“I want to see the daily tapes. I may be able to see potential weapons buyers,”

“Yo, I watch enough tape as it is, I’ll just say this. If you make the brother look bad, and cost me money in my next contract, we might have to get my attorney to file a refraining order on that shit.”

“That would be a restraining order.”

“So you know what I mean.”

“Do I have to start wearing underwear?”

Albie said, “Do you even own any, Lily?”

“I have a thong and a sports bra somewhere.”

The flight attendant said, “Please adjust your tray tables and fasten your seat belts. The pilot tells me we are on our approach to Orlando.”

 

“Welcome to a Piece of the Afternoon sports talk show on WET and WILD Sports Radio, WELD, Orlando, and KSPORT, Houston. I’m Warren Piece with Mad Wolf Sherman, our sports reporter Lily Creamer, our astrologer Theotis Holland, Houston Crockett legend in his own mind Jamal Deadburn, and our producer Albie Darling. We’d like to thank Milt and the Mad Dog for giving up their afternoon drive slot for a day. Albie, where have the boys gone today?”

“Well, Milt and the Mad Dog decided to spend the day at Universal Studios. The want to ride the Twister all morning because getting dizzy is the only acceptable way to get high in Orlando, and then spend the afternoon at the Studio Islands of Adventure. They took their wives and kids, and expected to have many Kodak moments.”

“Well, we are in Orlando, aren’t we?” said Lily.

Mad Wolf said, “I feel good about myself for the first time in years.”

Theotis said, “The gentler aspects of all the houses seem to be in play here.”

Jamal said, “No wonder the Orlando Tricks can’t bring home the trophy!”

“Kay from Kissimmee, you on Wet and Wild, WELD, and KSPORT!”

“Hi, and welcome to the most funniest place on earth.”

“Thank you, Kay.”

“Now that Freebie Mole has taken the water slide to the injured reserve list, how do you explain the fact the Orlando Tricks are still very much in the playoffs?”

Mad Wolf said, “They face a deciding game three tonight, and tomorrow we might not be having this conversation.”

Jamal said, “To the rim!”

Kay said, “In Orlando we believe in miracles! It’s ingrained in the local culture.”

Lily said, “I feel like kissing everybody!”

Mad Wolf said, “Boxes of ammunition all round.”

Theotis said, “I’ve got to check the Chinese star chart.”

Warren said, “Jan from Abilene, you’re on wet and wild WELD and KSPORT.”

“I’ve got your magic kingdom right here.”

Lily said, “Jan, sounds like you’re on a roller coaster.”

“My ass has been in a saddle all morning and up to this point of the afternoon. I’m calling you on my cell from my Palomino pony. I’m close to the bunkhouse and the boys have KSPORT on the P.A. I was wondering how much the Crocketts could get for that broken down old excuse for a center Aheem Parthenon. I know the Orlando Tricks brought in a couple of free aging players to make their push this year, and while it may not work out, at the very least their fans can go spend a couple of weeks on a fake Bourbon street and get a few good cheap thrills in the Buzzard.”

“That’s the Blizzard, and I believe they’re called free AGENTS.”

“I got your blizzard right here. Whoa, paint! Yaaaa! Yaaaa! I gotta go! I’ll throw down my phone and listen!”

Mad Wolf said, “OK, Jan, and thanks for the call. It’s sacrilegious to talk about trading the most popular player in Houston’s history since the ice age. My best answer is, have another shot of Picanto sauce and next question.”

Warren said, “We’ve got several quarters to go, and we’ll be back with Lily Creamer sexual evaluation of the Orlando Tricks, after this from Studson Hats.”

Albie took the show to break, and Warren stood, stretched, and walked out of the makeshift control room to spy on the Tricks afternoon practice.

 

“Mad Wolf, you and I just watched some of the Orlando Tricks afternoon practice, and they are really loose. I wonder if the Milwaukee Greatbuns are ready for an energetic game with a team that has nothing to lose?”

“What were you watching? I saw coach Babbling Brook looking at video of last night’s game and sobbing into an official ZBA Orlando Tricks towel. Freebie Mole, who was supposed to be a star player again this year after surgery, is over there on the sideline right now ordering dim sum for himself and the trainer. And Trekkie McSanford spent half an hour with his agent going over his press clippings with a representative from B.B.D.& O advertising agency in New York!”

“Yeah, but they did all that with a certain panache, a certain suave fair, you know, like they’re anticipating a big night.”

Mad Wolf said, “Let’s see what Jamal has to say about the Orlando Tricks.”

Jamal said, “Well brothers, at the start of the season, I was upset to see the roster of the Orlando Tricks. I thought they had a clear road to the title in the East. Fur hats and Chinchilla coats all around. But then Coach Tomjonabitch pointed out some particulars to me.

I mean, the brothers had question marks. What if Freebie Mole suffered a recurrence of his ankle injury? What if Trekkie McSanford had a setback in his development and started hoisting three pointers from the half court line just to get his inside guys some rebounding stats to help with their contract negotiations? What if coach Babbling Brook became obsessed with the Goldfish he keeps in his office and decided the time he spent watching game tape would be better spent developing a nifty salt water aquarium with a mini underwater basketball court and little plastic ZBA Players?”

Theotis said, “I, uh, can see, ah, the moon is moving through the house of Pisces with Jamal this afternoon.”

Jamal said, “I’m just sayin’, there are a lot of distractions in a season. Look at what’s happened. Freebie has come up lame again. Puttrod Kewpie has the experience, but he hasn’t been much to watch since he left New York. He is an upgrade at the center position, but then again they could roll out a seven foot cigar store Indian, and that would have been an improvement at center. The other player they got from the 1800’s is Harold Asner, who has rings from Chicago and Los Angeles, but now he spends most of his free time around the pool at his multi million mansion two miles from the arena, which isn’t exactly mentoring the team in his championship ways.

I made a little rap tune to go out.

Ba Ba Ba Bap. I’m Jamal and I love to rap.

My boyz is locked up in the Biodome

I’m with Warren Piece on the road

Me and my testosterone

We’ve landed in a fairy tale yo,

a hip hop city that’s got no ho’s

everybody’s lookin’ for a real good time

from the Cartoon stars to the kids on the water slide

this place is also home to an ZBA team

this team is something out of a dream

got the new got the old

got the brand new coach

he loves to eat toast

loves to eat toast

loves to eat toast

yo, his old lady

she makes good toast.

these brothers may be thinkin’

they are after the golden rock

good luck, be well,

but L.A. is a lock.

Word up.

Jammin’

My father’s a car.         “

Warren said, “We’ll be back with your calls, after this on Wet and Wild, WELD Orlando, and KSPORT, Houston.

 

“You’re listening to A Piece of the Afternoon Show on Wet and Wild Sports Radio WELD, Orlando, and KSPORT, Sports Talk in the big town, Houston. We are lucky to have with us in our makeshift studio in the Orlando Tricks home court, The Free Throw Warehouse, Orlando Tricks guard slash foward Freebie Mole. Good afternoon Freebie.”

“Good afternoon! Anybody want some Dim Sum?”

Lily said, “I’ll get some plates.”

Mad Wolf said, “So, how’s it going with the rehab?”

“Well, “said Freebie, “I feel like next year is going to be my year. This latest surgery, they wrapped my anklebone in one hundred dollar bills. As long as the economy holds up I’m golden.”

Jamal said, “How do you feel Trekkie is doing? I mean tonight could be it for you brothers.”

“Here’s three hundred bucks. Go get us some sodas, rookie.”

Jamal took the bills and left the studio.

Warren asked, “Is it true that you watch the games from a skybox and tell the bench coach about mismatches on the court, kinda like the football eye in the sky?”

Freebie began to dish our dim sum onto plates, and Lily passed the food around.

“Well,” said Freebie, “I like using the technology to our advantage. Plus, I can sell the phone I used for each game on E-Bay for several thousand. Bonus!”

Lynn entered the control room with her DV Camera. Freebie opened his shirt two buttons and took several bites of food.

Warren said, “Rocky from an undisclosed theme park, you’re on WELD, Wet and Wild sports radio and KSPORT.”

“Hi. I run one of the parks from an underground complex. I don’t want you to feel bad, but that’s why I can’t give you my location. You should enjoy yourself while you’re here!”

Jamal re-entered the control room with three men and a loaded hand truck. “Hey, guys, I bought around three hundred sodas.”

Freebie laughed and Jamal pitched him a Dr. Pepper. He pulled a dollar from his pocket and handed it to Freebie, “Here’s your change!”

Lily bent down and got Theotis a creme soda.

Rocky said, “I am leaving here in about an hour to get to the game, I just wanted to know how the boys look in practice.”

Jamal said, “Well, I ran into Gin ‘Big Puppy’ Clifford in the hallway, he’s a foward for the Milwaukee Great Buns in case you’ve been spending too much time underground there Rock, and he crushed a fully inflated basketball in his bare hands.”

“We can do that here in the kingdom!”

Lily said through a mouthful of Dim Sum, “You just gave away your location!”

“Oh my gosh! That means I have to clean all the toilets in Wild Safari tomorrow!”

Mad Wolf said, “I’m going for yogurt. Anyone?”

Freebie said, “I’ll go with you, I should really get back. Thanks for having me on.”

Warren said, “Hey, loved you in Detroit. Good luck with that ankle.”

Jamal said, “I’ll limp you out.”

Warren said, “Rock, you still there?”

Rocky said. “Yeah, I just redirected the air traffic over Carefree Airport. We’ve got some really cool tools here.”

Mad Wolf said, “Lily, have you been to the Orlando Tricks locker room?”

Lily said. “Yes, Wolf, I spent time last night going over advance reports, and took the bird’s eye tour this afternoon. The Tricks have taken the geographical location into account in their locker room design. They have inflatable dolls everywhere. I’d call their locker room Fantasyland.

I spotted Barbarella, Janet Jackson, L’il Kim, Elizabeth Taylor circa 1962, Heather Locklear, and in a corner, a very scary Dennis Rodman and Cher.

My lockercam showed the Tricks have caught the Orlando fixation with standing in line. They’ll all lined up for one shower, and while they waited one of the coaches worked the line telling jokes and juggling Babbling Brook bobble head dolls.

They end every motivational speech with a fireworks display. I noticed all the guys wear full-length monogrammed robes while in the locker room. I couldn’t grab a single frame of a nude Trick, even using my super slo mo butt detector.

Very disappointing. I guess I was spoiled by the West Coast. I was going to rate the Orlando Tricks three limp noodles and six premature orgasms.”

Jamal entered the makeshift control room. “Harsh, girl!”

Mad Wolf said, “Albie, have the Tricks left the practice floor yet?

Albie said, “They seem to have all left the floor at once.”

“Albie, do we know the way to the backdoor? We may need to make an escape, no fault of Lily’s.”

Albie saud, “The Orlando tricks are a product of their envoironment!”

Theotis said, “I feel Mars, uh, ah, going into retrograde.”

Lily said, “I wasn’t finished. This was my opinion before some guy named Bullwinkle showed up. Apparently there was a blown fuse somewhere around the Tina Turner doll. Once he replaced that and reset the animatronics, the entire locker room came to life.

I started by the lockers of this year’s projected top sixth man Jay Moral. That is where the animated ref blows his whistle and shouts ‘Foul on Moral! No wait, I apologize Jay. Here’s a twenty for temporarily slurring your name.’ Then he pivots and blows his whistle again. You’re supposed to take one of the Official Tricks ZBA basketballs and shoot from Moral’s locker into a basket above Trekkie McSanford’s locker. It took me a few tries, mainly because the ball was over inflated, but when I made the shot, the floor pulled back from the center of the locker room.

The lights went down and the ceiling lit up to resemble a night at the top of the world, with all the stars shining brightly around a brilliant full moon. I took the stairway down. Each step had a voice of it’s own. One said, ‘That’s something I wouldn’t even think, much less say,’ and one said, ‘Nice backfire Mother Nature,’ one said, ‘I’m not an anti-saucerite!’, and the last one said, ‘I love this game!’

The underground locker room stretched under the entire Free Throw Warehouse Arena. I walked the entire facility. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes. I was sprayed with steam, frowned at by black bears, serenaded by Chuck Berry, tickled in the ribs by Howdy Doody, took a flight though the land of Dragon Ball Z, had a romantic moment with G.I.Joe, did a little molecular research with Albert Einstein, and sang with the Supremes.

WOW!

I can’t wait to go back. When the players are there I’m sure there are even more attractions to get excited about. I’d rate the Orlando Tricks seven nude horseback rides, four mud baths, and two super G’s on Aspens Dead Man Skiing trail in something from Victoria’s Secrets. These guys know how to have fun!”

Warren said, “Thank you Lily! Back with your calls and Theotis with horoscopes for the Orlando Tricks after this.”

Warren got up and walked behind Lily to give her a back massage.

“You smell like cotton candy.”

“And I’m sticky. What else is new?”

 

“Roberto from Sausalito, you’re on WELD, Wet and Wild sports radio, and KSPORT.”

“Yeah, I’m trucking across the great state of Texas.”

Mad Wolf said, ”What’s your load partner?”

“I’m carrying a load of sporting goods to The Sports Authority in Houston. That’s why I’m listening to you guys. Normally I listen to a radio station that matches whatever I’m haulin’. Variety is the spice of life, you know.”

Lily said, “Amen brother!”

“So, I’m wondering, if I order the Houston Crockett season ticket pack today I get a thirty percent union discount. But if the Crocketts don’t get into the playoffs I WILL break some legs! That’s my right as a good upstanding member of the union. However, I don’t want to go to jail for assault. Should I chance it?”

Jamal said, “We love fans like you. Win or die. Shit, we might as well be playing in New York!”

Mad Wolf said, “Breaking legs is so brutal. I thought the truckers had come into a whole new age. You need to move on to paint guns.”

“You’re breaking up. I thought you said something about paint guns.”

Mad Wolf said, “Come back.”

Lily said, “I like body paint.”

Theotis said, “I could use a roast beef sandwich!”

Warren said, “If getting to the playoffs means that much to you, perhaps you should buy season tickets to the Chicago Snorts. They aren’t going to make the playoffs for the foreseeable future, and you’d have a chance to run for union president once you establish a reputation as a tough guy in Chicago.”

“Crap! I thought they closed this weigh station. I’ve gotta go guys. Time to offload some passengers.”

Mad Wolf said, “The world of freelancing can be treacherous.”

Theotis said, “I believe Chiron is at play in Roberto’s chart. That is the planet named after the mythological immortal god Chiron, and indicates an area where you’ve suffered or been disappointed. Roberto’s early termination of his extra passenger’s illegal immigration journey illustrates this point.”

Warren said, “Theotis, what do you see for the Orlando Tricks?”

“Well, uh Warren, and I would like to thank Lily for the egg salad sandwich, The Orlando Tricks suffer from having no cardinal planets in their chart. Since they were founded in 1989 they have exhibited the classic symptoms.

They deal with change well, but are willing to stick with a bad situation for much too long. Take their star Freebie Mole, and uh Freebie, thank you for the Dim Sum, last year he, uh, ah, played three games. This year he played in thirty, I believe, if the research from Jamal is dependable. Yet they still talk about him playing eighty games next season. This is classic behavior for signs with no cardinal planets in their chart.

With the Orlando Tricks Neptune in Pisces, they have psychic ability that exceeds any other team in the ZBA. That’s why the fast break offense would have worked well with this franchise, sorry to rub it in, uh, Freebie.

Their current series against the Milwaukee Great Buns features impassioned energy and enthusiasm from Orlando, intelligence and charm from Milwaukee. These teams charts are very compatible, indicating the squads really care for each other, so the eventual elimination of one by the other from the playoffs is going to be very emotional and, ah, probably require professional counseling.

Milwaukee in four.”

Warren said, “Thanks Theotis, we’ll be back after this.”

Albie took the show to break. Warren and Mad Wolf left the studio to go play a quick game of horse with Freebie Mole.

 

“We’re back on WELD, WET and WILD sports radio, Orlando, and KSPORT, Houston. Joining Mad Wolf and myself on the court, the future of the Orlando Tricks franchise, if his ankle holds up, Freebie Mole.”

Mad Wolf said, “Those are some nice designer crutches, Freebie.”

Warren said, “I’ll start, three dribbles to the right, and then take out your pager, check the number, replace your pager, shout, ‘I’m going to get my bell rung tonight!’ and shoot a flat footed set shot from the line.”

Freebie said, “OK, take out the pager, check the number, replace…shoot, I dropped the pager!”

Mad Wolf said, “Freebie’s got H. Now, from the sideline inbounds, dribble over your head, take a swig of Snapple iced tea, throw the ball one handed toward the hoop, and YES!”

Freebie said, “OK, sideline inbounds, dribble the ball high over your head, take a swig of Snapple, and shoot! I dropped the cap.”

Warren said, “Freebie’s got HO. OK, take the ball, spin it on your forefinger for four seconds, let it drop, stick your left arm straight out, dribble three times toward the basket, shift the ball to the left hand and shoot a baby hook, and YES!”

Freebie said, “OK, can one of you guys get the ball started on my finger? Thanks Wolf. Let it drop, hold your left arm out straight, dribble three times as I walk to the basket, transfer to the left hand, and whoa!”

Mad Wolf said, “I think losing your crutches and falling to the floor of the Free Throw Warehouse negates the making of what was an incredible shot.”

Freebie moaned and laughed at the same time.

“HEY!”

Warren, Freebie, and Mad Wolf turned to see Coach Babbling Brook in a full sprint toward them “What the hell are you guys doing to my superstar?”

Freebie said, “Run guys! Run for your lives!”

As Babbling leapt over Freebie, Freebie reached out with a crutch and locked up Coach Brook’s knee.

Warren said, “Thanks, Freebie! We’ll send you a t-shirt. Thanks everyone, for listening on WELD, wet and wild sports radio, and KSPORT Houston. Take us outta here Albie, and you may want to call the white limo!”

Babbling could be heard yelling, “If you send Freebie a t-shirt I want a gold WELD baseball cap!”

Mad Wolf said to Warren as they panted their way toward the makeshift control room, “These guys know how to have fun!”

 

Albie finished swimming laps and got out of the pool. The pool radio was playing the Orlando Milwaukee game, now in overtime.

She dried off, drained her martini, started to put on her cover up, and then threw it into the water instead. She picked up the house phone and ordered another martini. The cover up drifted toward the bottom of the pool. Albie stretched, sat down in a chaise, and picked up Timeline by Michael Crichton.

The martini arrived.

“Hi. You can put it right here.”

Albie pointed to her stomach.

The waiter took a long look at Albie and said, “You want me to use a coaster?”

Albie laughed, sat up, took the drink from the tray, and signed the check.

The waiter said, “It’s awfully quiet out here.”

“You mean except for the blaring radio and the jets flying overhead.”

“I’m just trying to make conversation. You started it.”

“And now I’m ending it.”

“Thanks for the tip.”

Albie walked to the edge and dove in. She swam to the bottom of the pool to retrieve her cover up. She heard a noise from above and looked through the bubbles. The waiter swam toward her. She kicked off the bottom toward the outer edge of the pool. Albie grabbed the edge, and looked over her shoulder. The waiter surfaced underneath the diving board. He pulled himself out of the pool, pulled off his shoes, his pants, coat, tie, and shirt, stepped on the diving board, jumped three times to gauge the spring, and bounced in the air, executing a perfect flip into a jackknife dive.

Albie pulled herself out of the pool.

“Hi!.” The Riddler called from his balcony. “Albie, what’s doin’?’”

Albie waved, “Just having an evening!”

“I just got a call from the crew. They’re headed back from the game.”

The waiter executed another dive.

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

The Riddler disappeared into his room.

Albie said, “Hey Johnny Weissmuller, can you scrounge up a volleyball net and a ball?”

The waiter said, “Sure. my name is Jimmy.”

“Hi Jimmy, I’m Albie.”

“My dad owns the hotel. I’m just working here for the summer. Bottom up. That kind of thing. My dad is real old school. But I love him so I generally do what he says.”

“I don’t want to marry you. I just want some water sports equipment.”

“Right. Sorry, I’m used to sorority girls.”

“Albie!”

The Riddler jogged past Albie. “They should have put a nice running track around this pool. This concrete is going to kill my ankles!”

“Hey Albie!”

Mad Wolf shouted to Albie from the other side of the pool. “Duck!”

Mad Wolf fired twenty automatic rounds over the head of Jimmy as he sprinted away from Albie and dove into the poolside Arborvitae.

Albie said, “Jimmy, get out of the bushes and get our nets and balls!”

“Hey Albie!”

Lily shouted from across the pool. “I’m ordering another round of drinks? Want another martini?”

The bushes rustled and Jimmy appeared, waved at Albie, and headed toward the hotel.

“Count me in, Lily!”

“Hey Albie!”

Warren waved from the other side of the pool. “I’m going to the room to put on my Speedo. Wanna come watch?’

Albie said, “I would love to, but I’ve got drinks and sporting equipment coming. Maybe I’ll catch you later, lover.”

“Uh, ah, hi, Albie.”

“Theotis, do you have swim gear?’

“I wear, uh, a swim robe. It’s very colorful, and attracts the right sort of planetary energy for water sports.”

“Hey baby, what you doin’ over there with your fine self, sweet cheeks, jammin’ babe?”

Albie said, “Have a few beers at the game, Jamal?”

“Naw, Albie, I’ve been in the Orlando Tricks underground locker room, and I’m overly optimistic about everybody.”

Albie threw her empty martini plastic glass in Jamal’s direction

“Insulsion!”

Jamal jumped into the pool.

Jimmy emerged from the hotel with two young ladies in tow.

“Hi Albie! This is Tamara and Tara. They want to play!”

“Great!” Albie said.

The Riddler said as he continued running laps around the pool, “Before we play we have some work to do. I want everybody on the deck! Give me twenty push-ups! Then we’ll have some smoothies. I’ve got Banana and Strawberry, and considering the hour, I’ll lace them with gin or vodka!”

The crew assembled in front of David ‘The Riddler’ Kroft.

“Hi Albie!”

Lynn, Yasmine, and Louie approached from the hotel.

“Hey,” said Albie, “You’re just in time for pool volleyball.”

Yasmine said, “I brought some coconut oil. We can get massages after the game.”

“All we need now is some colored floodlights and the soundtrack from ‘Girls Gotta Have It.” said Lily.

Lynn set up her DV camera on a tripod, and the crew began to push up.

The Riddler counted, “One…two…three”

Music from the Allman Brothers band played from the poolside jukebox. The crew co-operated with The Riddler until ten, then they all leapt up and rushed him at once, depositing him in the pool. They set up the net amid much dancing and exchanging of hugs and high fives. The smoothies were blended and distributed, Yasmine circulated with the coconut oil, and Jimmy played Rocky Mountain high on his acoustic guitar. Life was good in Fantasyland.

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