FAQ 91 Oakland
Warren approached the airport terminal, carrying his Powerbook, wearing his Sacramento Queens baseball cap backwards and whistling the theme from Brigadoon.
He sat down at a NetZero terminal and signed on to F.A.Q… Advice for the 21st Century.
My dearest Warlar,
I’ve been going over my financial statements from the last twenty years and…just a moment, my phone is ringing… ‘Yes…SELL MOTHERFUCKER!!!”…sorry, that was my dad, he runs a piece of my business. Everything I touch turns to gold. I touch my wife, she turns to coal. Ha Ha Ha. That’s a rich guy’s joke. I’m doing so well, corporations are calling me asking for a fiver ‘till payday. I tell THEM I’d give five million dollars to Keith Richards before I’d let a corporation have any of my dough.
I recently went on a buying spree. It ended with me unconscious on the floor screaming at my mental image of Martha Stewart about chocolate canopies, my favorite desert.
My accountants tell me with the net result of my spree, I could now own Ohio.
Cool.
My problem is this.
G.O.D. isn’t answering my phone calls. That’s Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.
I shipped myself some of the stuff from my tear to a cabin retreat in the Rocky Mountains. Thirteen statues of the Greek god Hermorphidike, twelve cartons of Kool filter kings with twice the nicotine, for those veerrryyyy important board meetings, eleven cases of Trojan ribbed grape flavored condoms for those weekends in New York, ten boxes of Ponds cold cream for my weekend parties at the ranch, nine cases of Cuban cigars for me and me only, eight crates of Jimmy Deans frozen sausage for breakfast at basketball Camp Spears Oljawan where I plan to teach cheerleading dating techniques, seven authentic made in China Les Paul Stratocasters for my son’s friends who refuse to play basketball but will attend the camp under duress as long as someone provides the dope, hookers, and musical instruments, six wallets stuffed full of 100 dollars bills because you can’t ever have enough cash in the state of Nevada, five cartons of weighted dice, because you can never have enough loaded dice in the state of Nevada, four red headed wigs, in case the girls I engage meet every standard I’ve set for myself except hair color, three turtleneck sweaters with the Martha Stewart tags still on them, two boxes of Whitman samplers, and one original copy of Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy by the Who.
I shipped this stuff over two weeks ago. I’ve gone through three cords of firewood and fourteen cell phones trying to track these fuckers down. Is it possible they have absconded with the goods? And if they have, is there any wonder we have a crisis of faith in this country?
signed,
feeling a little abused at party central,
Bradley Isaroni
Ok, B,
Listening to you, I feel the music! I called a friend of mine who works in long haul trucking and apparently your boys got stuck in a snowstorm in Vermont for two days, drove their truck to Pennsylvania, through Amish country, down the Pennsylvania turnpike, and were last seen at a truckstop outside of Plattsburgh posting signs for an auction of goods confiscated by the DEA on a routine search and seizure off the coast of Miami. The good news is, I went there myself as soon as I read your e-mail and recovered the Who album! I’ve e-mailed you a picture of it! Don’t thank me, I’ve got too many feel good parties to attend next year already.
Warterous,
I’m a photographer for a men’s magazine that celebrates the bachelor lifestyle. We market to winners, guys who make six figures a year, or who have annuity accounts that pay them six figures a year.
I’m in my darkroom hanging the latest prints from my latest shoot. These shots are really good. The girl in them is from Nebraska and could make the New York Strangers stop doing shots of Johnny Walker Red between periods and maybe play some real hockey. This girl could make the sun come up in the west. Most guys could only stay conscious for about twenty seconds in her presence without extra oxygen. Especially as she looks in my photographs. Totally naked.
I’m depressed.
I’ve realized this is the 1000th photo spread I’ve down for Penthut. I’ve made four million dollars over this fifteen year period. I’ve gotten laid, gotten my friends laid, even gotten some of my friends married to some of these beautiful women. I’m no longer a kid, but I’m still a player.
My art is the problem. When I shoot a woman she looks great. I can make her nipples look like islands in the stream, her ass look like two parker house rolls, her package looks like it should be dipped in strawberry sauce and licked clean. It’s all in the lighting. I see the other photogs work, and I’m just appalled. How do they get away with this low light digital camera stuff? Thank God I learned from a master. My technique is tried and true, so much so I’ve been looking for a new creative challenge.
I think I’ve found a new outlet for my artistic expression.
Calligraphy. I’ve noticed this an art form practiced by the monks of Alber St. Larans. I called the monastery, but got the machine.
I looked into the subject further and discovered the most beautiful calligraphy is done by monks the world over. Apparently their piece of mind lends itself to the focus necessary to draw the intricate designs required by a true calligraphy artist.
The best calligraphers are monks. Go figure.
That’s why I’m writing you. I was hoping you could steer me to a monastery that would indulge my once every three months slip back into heathenism.
I mean, I can’t be expected to go cold turkey on my Penthut deal, and I could give a substantial donation to the monks as an entry fee.
signed
Ain’t too proud to beg, Lawrence Farina
Larry,
HEEELLLLLLOOOOO. You’ve got a major career change planned, and I’m like the federal government. I’m here to help.
I contacted a roommate of mine who now works for the Vatican. He’s in charge of the bureau that keeps track of the other religions of the world to see where the Catholics may be experiencing unfair competition. The monks have always given them problems, lately because they’ve taken to wearing thongs under there robes, and making no secret of it.
I’m e-mailing you a map of the Hills of Kilimanjaro, complete with a global navigation satellite transponder decoder, an infrared heat sensing wand, a gentleman’s guide to the ancient languages, and a months supply of Cap’n Crunch serial. On the back of the map you’ll find encoded e-mail addresses of the 13 tribal monks who reside in the Kilimanjaro retreat. In order to activate the encryption certificate, I need to see some Ben Franklins. Once I’ve been compensated for my intel and supply line, I’ll send you the activation sequence. Then it’s all on you. Good luck, and don’t forget to take some of your best prints with you, because monks get lonely too.
Warzyme,
I am a thirty two year old entrepreneur who has opened a very successful chain of stores called U-Got-Gas. My restaurants are designed like a sushi bar, where people can sit at almost floor level and watch the chef prepare special fried foods for their consumption. We call that the flatulence bar!
These restaurants are a hit on college campuses the nation over. In addition to Peppermint candy at the checkout, we have Phazyme and Imodium. Our line of candies, featuring the ever popular puke candy, now in Spearmint, is sold at all fine Moondallar coffee shops.
We belch, we fart, we are the world.
My problem is this:
I became partners with a woman who convinced me my products could be distributed overseas if I could only find a way to freeze them for freshness. We have conducted exhaustive research. We blew up over three dozen microwave ovens, to make a long story short, because when you reheat my various flatulence entrees the secret ingredients have a reaction to the radiation, which prematurely releases the flatulence causing ingredients…Ba BOOM!
We finally discovered a retardant. Our situation began to become less explosive, so to speak.
We began to put a distribution team together, and came up with a low flatulence line of products, for those who preferred a less eye opening experience.
We had several thousand freeze dried dinners and deserts in a warehouse in downtown Kansas City. Our automatic climate control went on the fritz, and instead of temperatures below 10 degrees farenheight, the industrial unit heated the warehouse to 110 degrees farenheight.
The explosions began around eleven at night and didn’t stop until around three in the morning.
This could be the end of flatulence, as we know it.
My insurance will cover all the damage, but I’m wondering if this would maybe be a good time to open a WhatABurger franchise. I’ve had enough gas to last a lifetime.
signed
Raymond ‘Beano’ Conrad
Hey Ray,
I called my congressman. He seems to think you’ve got a new national treasure on your hands. Forget the What-A-Burger!
He’s made some inquiries, and the energy department is interested in your work. They feel an alternate energy source for the countries 1.2 gazillion automobiles could be derived from your food formula, after much more research funded by the cigarette tax.
NASA wants to examine the possibility of using some of your compounds to make a storable suspension propulsion device that, with one big blat, could propel a spacecraft to the edge of the galaxy. (Think about how you feel after a particularly spicy meal of rice and beans!)
The CIA wants to speak to you about the clandestine uses of flatulence foods in the field. Imagine, “Abdul, we need you to launch the missiles NOW!”
“I can’t, I’m in the bathroom!”
I’ve attached a contact sheet. Good luck, and thanks in advance for your patriotism. Ollie North would be proud.
Warren heard the sound of running. He dove from his chair, hit the carpet, and rolled toward the cover of the seating area.
“Babe, nice move!” Louie shouted. Warren sat up on one elbow, rubbed his arm where the bullet had hit him in L.A., and shouted, “Guys, on your way back bring me a double lunar latté!”
Louie didn’t speak, but threw his thumb in the air. Warren watched as Louie, Yasmine, Theotis, Mad Wolf, Lily, and Jamal jogged away from him, led by Dave Riddler, new personal trainer of the Piece of the Afternoon show.
Warren stood, walked to the NetZero terminal and signed off F.A.Q.
Albie Darling slowly approached.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning, Albie.”
“Do you think I’m a poor man’s Roz?”
“Who says that?”
Warren took Albie’s arm and they took a seat in the Colonial Airlines waiting area.
“Well, last night at the game I was sitting next to Mitch Alburp…”
“The columnist for the Sacremento Mining Gazette?”
“The very one. He and I started talking, one thing led to another, and he invited me to his place to show me his writing software.”
“And you ended up inspecting his hardware.”
“Hey, babes! Here’s your flight fuel, Warren. We’ve got a few laps to go!”
Louie rejoined the group, puffing on a cigar and running backwards.
“He’s in amazing shape,” said Warren.
Yasmine says he swims a lot. She says he’s got a good stroke.”
“Which brings us back to your story.”
“Oh, we get back to his place. He lives in Grass Valley. There’s an amazing view from his bedroom. I was looking out at the hills when he began to talk about the show. He said we were a sports circus and I reminded him of Roz on Frazier. It hit me wrong I guess. I said I didn’t need to hear him run down people I worked with every day and I wasn’t easy, I just happened to like him. He tried to put his hands on my butt. I moved away. He tried to apologize. I told him to take me back to the hotel. He said he would, but first would I like a drink…”
“You guys need to join us!” shouted Dave.
“Next lap, we’ll be there!” Warren said.
Louie skipped past. “Catch!”
Warren grabbed a bagel from the air.
“Want some?” asked Warren
“Sure,” said Albie.
They chewed in silence.
Albie said, “Do you play craps? You strike me as a guy who would be good at craps.”
“I’ve spent a night or two at the tables in the Taj Mahal, sure.”
“Do you feel like rolling the dice right now?”
Warren took Albie’s hand and they headed to the Colonial Airlines executive lounge.
Jeremy spoke to the crew over the Gulfstream VS-P P.A.
“I’ve turned off the fasten your seat belt sign. You are free to move about the cabin.”
Louie approached Warren, put his hand on the back of Warren’s seat, and pulled the unlit cigar from his mouth. “I thought you were going to join us on the last lap.”
“Albie and I decided to jog in private.”
Louie looked at Warren for a long minute. “I respect a man who knows how to use his time wisely. Can I borrow your New York Times?”
“Knock yourself out.”
“Thanks babe.”
Louie moved away, and Warren opened his Powerbook.
Suns Playoff Picture Clouds Up, Bucks Buck Up
by
Warren Piece
The turbochargers finally kicked in and the Sacremento Queens burned rubber while the Phoenix Stunguns munched on popcorn and admired the cheerleading squad’s tans during last nights 116-90 Queens victory in game two of their first round playoff series.
Queen third year guard Bubba Hazelhurst: “Jody Willies and I had a good game moving the ball. When we play our style like that, flinging the ball around, firing down the court after defensive rebounds, mooning the cheerleaders, the party’s over. It feels great, better than the whirlpool after a couple of Xanax.”
Queens guard Jody Willies, commenting while taking shots at the Sinclair Arena after the game was over.
Dribble dribble shoot.
“I…”
rebound, shoot…
”must”…
rebound, dribble out beyond the three point arch, shoot a turnaround three…
”shoot”…
dribble, dribble, close eyes, drive toward basket for two handed dunk, crash into backboard, fall to the floor unconscious.
Stunguns guard Gerard Joker: “We took home court advantage away from them in game one. The Queens came out to play in game two. I’ve seen this type of thing before. No look passes, cutting to the basket, sparkly purple sneakers. I enjoyed the show, and I think the fans got a charge out of watching the ball movement. I personally got to know a redhead fan sitting courtside during the Queens second quarter 8-0 run. I credit coach Skamp Scuttle for teaching us how to get something out of every game. If you’re not going to win, at least get a couple of phone numbers. Especially on the road. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a dozen red roses to order.”
Stunguns coach Skamp Scuttles: “As a team, if you’re not sharp defensively, the Queens are going to make you pay. Individually, if you’re not sharp defensively, you need to get your offense going. As a community, if we don’t have a tight defense some nut could poison our water supply. As the State of Arizona, if we’re not sharp defensively, we could lose all the federal grants that make it possible to live in a waterless dessert of a state. As a coutry, if we’re not sharp defensively, we could see the value of our currency drop against the European consortium. That would make it cheaper for us to obtain the contracts of the top European basketball players, which would be a good thing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go take my meds.”
The Sacremento Queens and the Phoenix Stunguns are tied at one apiece in the first round best of five series.
Last night in Milwaukee the Milwaukee Greatbuns again scored 103 points. The Orlando Tricks increased their point total by six points to 96. The shooting axis of Milwaukee proved too much for the Tricks, who still have a franchise player on crutches.
Orlando Trick out for the season forward Freebie Mole: “I kept glaring at Gay Adam every time he tried to shoot a three. Then I tried playing My Sweet Lucille on a violin I bought from a pawnshop in the red light district of Orlando last week during a rehab assignment every time Gin ‘Big Puppy’ Clifford drove to the basket, but that just made the cheerleaders put on their sweatpants, which really pissed off the fans. I finally went to the locker room to watch the game. At least there’s a phone there where I can call a local massage therapist who makes locker room calls and gives rubdowns in a negligee, so my signing bonus can be put good use.”
Milwaukee coach George Paul: “Those Orlando guys are great players, as long as there competition is thirteen year old girls. Trekkie McSanford has a dunk that would make a Globetrotter proud and a jumper that would make most all star defensive players pee their pants, but we concentrated on shutting him down and by the third quarter we were taking orders from the guys for Dial-A-Steak in the timeout huddles.”
The Milwaukee Greatbuns lead the Orlando Tricks 2-0 in their best of five first round series.
The Houston Crocketts spent last night playing hockey at an indoor arena on Waters Street in South Houston.
Coach Rudy Tomjohnabitch: Aheem looks great in that hockey uniform, and he’s got one hell of a slapshot. I thought our play behind the blue line could use some improvement, but we are a basketball team, and I think our guys were distracted by the lack of a backboard and a hoop. Also, it took them a few minutes to realize the puck doesn’t bounce. Pretty scary. Maybe we have to look at some trades in the off-season after all. But for now, we’re getting through the playoffs as a team, and all the guys are respecting one another during this drive to experience the playoffs together.”
Houston Crockett center Aheem Parthenon: “What the??? That man with a mask standing in front of the net looked sort of familiar to me. He reminded me of a witch doctor I knew back on the mother continent. This hard black piece of rubber seems to have an adverse effect on him when I use this magic trick to launch the duck, I think Coach called it. I guess the voodoo man was looking the other direction when I slapped at the duck, and who knew the ice was so slick? Five minutes is a long time for anyone to lie down on the ice, I mean it’s cold! But this is a different game, and I guess they allow naps.”
The playoffs continue tonight.
Note to Frank W. Coleman:
Frank, I picked up your voicemail. I went to freeedgar.com to look for Dole Harper’s financial statements. His company is called MoRon Energy Source. I see now why he is the way he is. The rich are funny because they can be, I believe is how it goes. I think he could afford to buy a small army, so planting a couple of Houston cops who weren’t Houston cops in the L.A. airport would have only taken an ad in Soldier of Fortune and a withdrawal from petty cash. I’m watching my back, although I still can’t figure out why he thinks I’m a threat. Thanks for any future intel. Your pal, Warren Piece.
Warren closed the Powerbook and stared out the window, watching the terrain of the state of California.
Albie stood in front of the crew.
“We’re approaching The Gladiator Airport of Oakland. I’ve made arrangements for us to travel to the Claremont Resort and Spa by Harley. Our luggage will be carried by a white limo. It’s Ok to pull up next to the limo and kick the doors while we are in transit if you can do it without laying the bike down. Apparently this is a local custom, and we want to appear friendly. The Spa offers massages and facials. I have a call in to see if a buns rub is available. That’s for you Mad Wolf. Maybe you could try to break up some of that cellulite. Jesus I hope I never walk in on you in the shower again! We’ll be leaving the hotel for the Gladiator Arena around noon. Since we’re in Oakland, it’s OK to show up in body paint with a six-pack under your arm. OK, I’ve got to fasten my seat belt, we might be in for a bumpy ride.”
“This is a piece of the afternoon on KOAK, Oakland and KSPORT, Houston. I’m Warren Piece and with me is Theotis Holland, astrologer, Jamal Deadburn, outstanding guard for the playoff ineligible Houston Crocketts, Mad Wolf Sherman, my broadcasting partner, Lily Creamer, sports reporter, and our beautiful and talented producer, today wearing a snappy chain link fence accented by blue body paint, Albie Darling. I’d like to thank Kodak’s Mack and the Mad Dog for letting us take their spot this afternoon. Albie, where have they gone for the day?”
They took a backpack and a couple of Kawasaki 500’s they bought off E-Bay down to the Peninsula to lay around on the beach and later, they plan to set new speed records back into town for some slanted floor drinking at the Heinhold’s First and Last Chance Saloon, then go to the Berkeley Marina to get some night windsurfing in before winding up the evening at Eli’s Mile High Club.”
Warren said, “There’s a lot of opportunity for interaction on that agenda. The beach, the old boat in Jack London square, the wind and water, and blues in Oakland. All done using that rocket disguised as a motorcycle, the Kawasaki 500. It’s too bad they couldn’t find anyone to go with them.”
“Well, in case you missed the door slams around the hotel this morning, that was our companions from Houston, Yasmith and Louie, having a discussion about what they were going to do with their day in the bay area, and they weren’t talking about measuring the level of Metaclorins in the water. She and Lily left the hotel around ten O’clock in a two cycle whine and a cry of ‘I love these halter tops! Good job by Yasmith and Lily!’”
“Lily is on tape?”
“Lily is on tape.”
“Well, let’s roll the tape.”
“Hello everyone listening on KOAK, Oakland and KSPORT, Houston. This is Lily Creamer, sports reporter for A Piece of the Afternoon sports radio talk show…”
Mad Wolf said, “Stop the tape. Warren, I just activated the bug I planted in Lily’s knapsack before she flew out of Claremont like a teenager headed for the mall.”
Jamal said, “Yo, that’s invasion of privacy.”
Theotis said, “Until we listen in, we haven’t actually invaded any, uh, thing, my roundball playing friend.”
Albie said, “The knapsack mike’s hot, guys.”
“I think the Clampetts are a lock to win the Golden Ball, Mackey!”
“Well, Dog, I don’t see how anybody is going to keep up with Pill’s team, either. Yasmine from Houston, what do you think?”
“I think I’m going to join Lily in the water. I like nude sunbathing, but I’m starting to perspire. Would one of you guys wipe me off with this towel?”
“Dog, I’d rate Yasmine from Houston’s tan as a good job.”
“Good job by Yasmine, Mackey.”
“Dog, she’s obviously well conditioned. That panting she’s doing shows good lungs. Notice how she can flex her legs, even though she’s laying down. Good job by Yasmine!”
“I’m impressed by Yasmine’s offensive moves! That was a good move to get my Speedo off. Excellent job by Yasmine, Mackey.”
“Dog, I’d rate her pelvic motions hall of fame caliber. Yours could use some work, but sex is all about a team effort.”
“Oh my God! Gooooooood job by Yasmine, Mackey!”
“Dog, take it home, Dog!”
“Shut up Mackey, I’m about to get my first triple triple!”
Warren said, “Well, Albie, I think you can kill the mike. We’ve got other sports to cover, and I think we can safely assume Mack and the Dog are gonna beat the over under today. Back with your calls after this.”
Warren stood and left the makeshift control room at the Gladiator Arena in Oakland to give Albie a shoulder rub while she ran the spots.
“Edgar from Oakland, you’re on KOAK and KSPORT”
“Hi guys. Any chance of checking back with Mack and the Dog?”
“I think they’re resting now, but we may check back a little later.”
“I’ve lived in the Bay area for about three years. Back East, I used to spend summers on Martha’s Vineyard, and I thought that was great. Now that I’ve moved here, I’ve found a whole new lease on life. Are you guys familiar with biker ball?’
Jamal said, “How do you play?”
“Well, you get a bunch of guys on bikes, a specially designed basketball court twice the length and width of a standard court with a basket half as high, which, by the way, we have, built by a grant from Harley Davidson and Spalding, and you crank up the bikes and play. All the regular rules apply, especially ones that apply to double dribbling and traveling. Without those we’d have guys holding the ball, opening the throttle, and daring you to get in their way.
The game lasts until somebody runs out of gas or has a crash serious enough to warrant a visit to the emergency room. We have a lot of talented riders, so it’s pretty exciting.”
Jamal asked, “Are you guys playing today?”
Edgar said, “We’d love to have you on our team Jamal. Maybe you could give us some tips on shooting a twenty five mile per hour three pointer. Meet us in Joaquin Miller Park at four o’clock.”
Jamal said, “Do you guys have cheerleaders?’
“You listened to Mack and the Dog too, huh? Yeah, a few of our bay area girls who worked for the ZFL come to the games and practice, hoping to get in shape for next year’s ZBA tryouts. If you could bring a couple of kegs, the guys might take it easier on you. Word to the wise.”
Jamal said, “I fell ya’.”
Warren said, “Back with Jamal’s assessment of the Golden Sate Wampums, after this.”
Warren said, “Jamal, it’s to you.”
Jamal said, “Golden State is coached by basketball legend Dave Braveheart. He needs a good HMO plan with his current roster. He’s got a couple of centers that would rather be playing Sony Playstation ZBA 2001 even when they’re healthy. His only hope is a good draft, or he’ll become a legitimate recipient of California unemployment benefits program, if you know what I’m sayin’. The Golden State Wampums have had the reputation for years of being able to shoot themselves in the foot without aiming. They had some good players come through here, but not at the same time. The nationally famous coach choking incident happened here. One of the leagues most troubled players turned gym rat almost led them to the promised land back in the day, but the only reason Carter Mulligan is hanging around now is he has pictures of GM Jerry St. Anthony with the alter boys from St. Vincents, and in the pictures they ain’t practicing Excelsias Day-or, if you get my meaning.
Let’s face it, health is an issue for every ZBA team. If it weren’t for painkillers, most of the players over twenty five wouldn’t get on the court. We take more pills than our grandfathers by the time we’re thirty, and by the time we’re thirty five, if we last that long, we’ve become very familiar with intravenous numbing agents. Still the Golden Sate Wampums have a couple of seasons and drafts to go before they have to worry about how they’re going to get playoff tickets for all the owners daughter’s girlfriends and what to serve at the post championship buffet.”
Warren said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re honored to have on the line Ira Rosenrump from the sports pages of the Oakland Post. Welcome Mr. Rosenrump.”
“Thank you, Mr. Piece.”
Mad Wolf said, “Ira, I’m reading your take on the basketball Hall of Fame, and I see that you’re not impressed with our esteemed center Akeem Parthenon. The man’s won two rings and redefined the way the position of center was played. How can you not consider him for the Hall once his career is done?”
“Well, Wolf, I look at it this way. Can you write the history of the game without him? I think you can.”
Theotis said, “History is a great, uh, ah, teacher.”
Jamal said, “Wait, is he dissin’ my man Akeem?”
Mad Wolf said, “He’s not asking him to the prom, my brother.”
Ira said, “Like, Boston legend and holder of ten championship rings Chill Terrior. You could write the history of the game WITHOUT HIM TOO!”
Jamal said, “Who’s Chill Terrior?”
Ira said, “Like Boston Legend Gary Indiana. You could write the history of the game WITHOUT HIM TOO!!!”
Jamal said, “Hey, he was a good coach.”
Ira said, “The game is the important thing, these players who think they can be bigger than the game by getting a bust and a plague in the Hall of the Fame are never getting by me. I’ll use my vote to block them all!”
Warren said, “Ira, have you ever had a nervous breakdown, just asking?”
Ira said, “You could write the history of psychology without Freud! That’s all I’m saying.”
Mad Wolf said, “Ira, you interested in a weapon! I’ve got a derringer that you could strap to your wrist, and when you popped your arm straight out the gun jumps into your hand. You strike me as a hidden derringer type of guy.”
Theotis said, “I could use a turkey sandwich about know, my uh, self.”
Warren said, “We’ll be back with Theotis’s take on the future of the Golden State Wampums, after this.”
Warren got up to get a Snapple, Mad Wolf continued his conversation with Ira, and Theotis rolled a pair of dice on the console over and over, taking copious notes on the outcomes.
“Good afternoon, you’re listening to a Piece of the Afternoon sports talk show on KOAK, Oakland, and KSPORT, Houston. Elie from downtown, you’re on KOAK and KSPORT.”
“I’m a big fan of the Houston Crocketts and wondered what Jamal thinks they need to do to get in the playoffs next year.”
Jamal said, “First of all, Elie, what downtown are you calling from?”
Elie said, “Just a minute my cell just rang…hello, yes I love you, too…I’m on another call…well, then buy a case…OK, a black negligee…no, no, I didn’t buy any cream…I’ve really gotta go…I love you too…Sorry, Jamal, I am calling from the observation deck at the Texaco Commerce Tower in downtown Houston.”
“On Travis Street?”
“You got it.”
“I think we need to win more games than we did this year, how we do that is up to coach Tomjohnabitch and The Man with the Plan, our brother in the GM’s office, John Meinko.”
Mad Wolf said, “First the refs, and now you’re kissing management’s butt. You’re developing a whole new skill set here on the road, Jamal.”
“Thank you, my brother. Does that help you, Elie?’
“If I was looking for food for thought, I’d starve to death listening to you.”
There was a click, and the line went dead.
Jamal said, “Did I just get dissed?”
Mad Wolf said, “You’d have been better off reading her a chapter of ‘Catcher In The Rye.”
Jamal said, “Who the hell hangs out of the observation deck at the Texaco building during the middle of the afternoon, anyway?’
Wolf said, “And what was all that about a negligee and a case of something?’
“Wacked.”
“Definitely wacked.”
“Probably on intravenous drugs.”
“Probably a good friend of Mike Tyson.”
“Probably Kenneth Lay’s mistress.”
Jamal said, “I feel better.”
Warren said, “Theotis, it’s to you.”
Theotis said, “Thank you, uh Warren. This Golden State team has an unusual chart. They’re date of birth in 1946 gives them the sign of the bowl. This means all their planetary aspects are clustered in half the chart. This is why during the last year the team suffered so many injuries most of their games were played with a representative from Aetna, Cigna, and the Guinness Book of World records sitting courtside.
Their financial dealings were affected by a streaking Uranus. That’s why center Jackson Target could not leave Golden State despite a recent attempt…his offer sheet was matched by Golden State due to a streaking Uranus!
Mars in conjunction with the streaking Uranus causes the Golden State team to have players whose work habits are erratic and players who are past their prime but can still contribute, as long as the coach is looking and their agent has negotiated incentives into the contract they haven’t yet attained.
When the moon is in Aries this next season the Wampums will be able to run the ball up the floor and shoot with reckless abandon, anything from twenty feet out will go in, and when the occasional errant shot bounces off the rim, the moon in Aries will make their team of rebounders able to crash the boards successfully everytime.
Uranus conjuuncting with Mars will cause the coach to experiment with players out of position, big backcourts, and the post game menu, all experiments caused by the irrational influence of Uranus in conjunction with Mars.
Star forward Achewand Williams will continue to experience frustration, caused by Neptune opposite the moon. Achewand will experience the urge to escape, emotional uncertainty, and an obsession with his scoring, although that will remain an elusive feeling.
Mars being opposite Venus will determine the prevailing attitude on the Wapmums team this next year. They will be in a mood to create a good team with lots of love for each other in the air. But individually they may be too aggressive, resulting in hard passes and hard picks in the paint. The team may be unco-operative, not wanting to pass out of the double team, and find they are on the floor with their least favorite Wampum.
New addition Fleece Dickson’s harmonius aspects in Venus and Saturn are rays of astrological hope for this team. He will value solid shot selection over the flashy pass, will look for his teammates on the outlet pass, and will try to hold his head right to get as many endorsement as possible.”
Warren said, “Thank you Theotis. Back with your calls, after this.”
Albie took the show to break.
“Elie from The Bay Bridge, you’re on KOAK and KSPORT.”
“Hi guys, I’m driving a concept car across the Bay Bridge. I work for Nissan America and they’ve asked me check out the prototype Nissan Z series in the bay area, with it’s different weather conditions and the hills of San Francisco.
I’m a big college basketball fan, and I enjoy watching the Golden State Wampums because every year they have two or three first year players in their starting lineup. It’s great! I’m just wondering, you guys are at the Gladiator Arena in Oakland, you’ve probably seen General manager Larry St. Dobbs lurking around the building. Do you think there is a chance he might get a clue and start making a winner out of this team, which would naturally mean more veterans and the loss of my local college team, the Golden State Wampums?”
Mad Wolf said, “Ira Rosenrump of the Oakland Post says you can write the history of college basketball without ‘em.”
“I use Ira’s columns to line my freakin’ birdcage…Hang on guys, I’ve got to see if I can hit 180 on the span here…”
Jamal said, “That sounds like the ride I need to escape some of those post game interviews.”
Mad Wolf said, “Ira says you can write the history of the sports car without the Nissan Z series.”
“Sssssshhhhhhiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttt.”
Jamal said, “I’ve got a game at four, but I wouldn’t miss this for a shot at Vanessa Williams.”
Warren said, “Albie do you have an appropriate music track for our Bay Bridge Lake Speed?”
“Ow! That hurt!”
The sounds of Jeff Beck’s Freeway Jam began to fill the control room and play over the airwaves of KSPORT and KOAK.
“Abutment!!! Unmovable Abutment!!!”
Fifteen seconds of Jeff Beck, the sounds of screeching metal, and Elie screaming, “ABS Bullshit! Heel Toe Baby! Heel Toe Baby!! Aim for the Beamer!! Aim for the Beamer!!”
Warren said, “Elie from the Bay Bridge? Are you on KOAK and KSPORT!!!”
“Ohhh, ahhhh, just a second…I’ve got to grab a little sip of Poland Spring…these cup holders really work well…OK, Warren, I’d say the acceleration capability this vehicle greatly outstrips the disc brakes performance under duress! Ahndeleh! Ahndeleh!”
Jamal said, “Damn, are you still on the move?’
Ellie said, “Yes, men, the impact damaged four small Hyandis and one silver BMW, but my Nissan concept car’s inflatable outer shell protected it from damage. I’m off to Dunkin’ Donuts for a coffee roll and an egg sandwich!”
Warren said, “We’ll be back with your calls and Lily Creamer’s evaluation of the Golden Sate Wampums sex appeal, after this.
Warren said, “Albie, do we still have audio from Matt and the Mad Dog?”
Albie said, “It’s up.”
“Mack, I think the 45 Orioles beat the 62 Yankees, hands down.”
“Dog, you’re probably right. That 45 Oriole team never resonated with fans, and the lack of a home crowd was big back in the day.”
“Mack, did you get Achewand Williams final stats?”
“He made a great comeback in the second half of the season, Dog, you’ve got to admire the number of games he played while his teammates spent most of their time in the trainer’s room.”
“Mack, this Golden State Wampum team has a chance at next year, if their coach Doug Braveheart can get the chemistry to jell.”
“Guys!!! GUYS!!! We’ve got The Cigarette ready for a run across the bay! Lily and I are going to go bottomless to cut down on wind resistance.”
“That’s a good job by Lily and Yasmine, Mackey!”
“You’re right, dog, you’re right.”
The audio disintegrated into a mix of motor noise and high pitched laughter.
Albie rolled Lily’s tape on the sex appeal of the Golden Sate Wampums.
“This is Lily Creamer for A Piece of the Afternoon sports talk show. Any discussion of the Golden State Wampums has to start with the proliferation of gear in their locker room. They’ve got nineteen Playstation 2’s, thirty ipods, every locker has it’s own set of Bose minispeakers, access to the satellite radio system, and a flat screen television running a loop of a specially composed highlight reel, made up of highlights selectable from an in house server design, updated daily with big plays from around the league and the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit video.
I’m the kind of girl who happens to think gear is sexy, so this rates high with me. After spending twenty minutes in Jackson Target’s locker, and the Golden State Wampum center has a big locker, if you know what I mean, anyway, after spending twenty minutes in Targets locker drinking sparkling water, playing Tomb Raider, listening to Mozart on the satellite radio and beginning to get a real sense of entitlement, I felt like ripping off my Mia Ham sports bra and daring any of the Wampums to offer me a deal!
Luckily, my Catholic upbringing kicked in just in time to save me from a certain lifetime of guilt, or at least a few spasms of remorse until I put my St Anthony ankle bracelet back on. The Wampums are a young team, and I could have spent my summer vacation in that locker room. I might still. I rate the Wampums seventeen no protection’ encounters and a French twist upon request. Rock On!”
Warren said, “Back after this.”
Albie took the show to break.
“We’ve got time for one more phone call. Darian from Berkeley’s science lab, you’re on KOAK and KSPORT.”
“Yeah, could you play the live rendition of Free Bird?”
“Darian, this is a sports talk radio station. I’m from Houston, Texas, on a tour of the ZBA cities.”
“Yeah, I know, I’ve been listening. I think you should play the live rendition of ‘Free Bird’ to close your show from Oakland. It would be perfect, plus it’s five o’clock, and Oakland is starting to rock. Surely you can feel the vibe, Piece.”
“Darian, I think you are quite the scientist.”
“It’s been a long time since the Oakland area had a basketball team we could put on the face paint for. That doesn’t stop us from killing the San Francisco contingent about how we have the better weather. That doesn’t stop us from enjoying our music, our poetry, our bay area culture. We’re likely to create the next radical movement, right here in Berkley, or in Oakland, even maybe in the Gladiator Arena. We may create a radical basketball team that has an offense no one’s ever conceptualized, better than the Isosceles, maybe an hypotenuse offense, or an Castro Quadrilateral offense, and we may invent a radical D…like maybe we’ll develop a hand technique that makes it impossible to dribble by any Wampum player unless you have the correct genetic code, or the double secret tatoo on your backside.”
Warren said, “I think, seeing as the crew is going to meet at Hienhold’s First and Last Chance Saloon after the show to try and create some civil unrest, you should definitely be there, but first take your medication.”
“I’ll be there, wearing only my lab jacket!”
“This has been a Piece of the Afternoon on KOAK, Oakland, and KSPORT, Houston. Later Gators.”
Albie began the process of rejoining the two stations regular programming and Warren picked up the phone.
“Hello.”
“Yeah, this is Ellie. I’m here to pick Albie Darling.”
Warren smiled to himself. That girl could never resist a concept car.
“She’ll be down in a minute.”
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