FAQ 73 Sacramento
God and Testosterone Make An Appearance in the ZBA Playoffs
by
Warren Piece
Last night in Philadelphia The Tallboys guard Adam Diverman scored a career high 45 points to tie the series with the Indiana Lace one all.
Tallboy Diverman: “This was more a chess match than a basketball game. I really had to do a lot of thinking out there on the court. Also, midway through the second quarter, God appeared to me on the Jumbotron screen in the Colony Hangout arena. He said, “Shoot! Shoot!” Although in retrospect, that could have been Coach Lonnie from the bench. Our cheerleaders formed a human steeple at the beginning of the second half, and we took a lead for good after burning incense from the Good News Bookstore during the third quarter. I’m going to remember this game for a long time, or at least until I get out of the whirlpool.”
Indiana guard Rudy Lace: “I wish I could have gotten all my points late, instead of early. I was on fire early, what did I score, 30 points in the first half? I’ve got to stop eating those cheese nachos at halftime. All that Cheddar and Jack, damn!”
Indiana coach Joab Franklin: “Our team did a good job of recognizing Rudy’s position on the court in the first half. But we couldn’t get the ball to Rudy in a position to shoot in the second half. Hopeless. That’s why I left in the third quarter to go watch Moesha on UPN. I love that show!”
Philadelphia coach Lonnie Williams: “I had trouble getting our big guys involved in the game tonight. Every time I sent in a post up play the big guys pretended they couldn’t hear me because the crowd cheering Diverman making another three drowned the call out. I told our payroll people to adjust per deims accordingly.”
Center Dickie Tango: “I had a nice ball game. I didn’t have too many plays called for me, and basically just jogged up and down the court all night eyeing babes in the crowd and posing under the basket for photographers. At this pace, I can play until I’m 98!
Indiana coach Joab Franklin: “I hope in the next game the refs allow our players to run around and play, not be physically abused. I’ve written a poem about it.
My dear refs, the men in the stripes.
Please don’t call our guys for fouls, give their play life.
Let them drive to the basket, let them hang off the rim.
We need to beat Philadelphia,
We need another win.
Paul’s a queer, Paul’s a queer.
The Philadelphia Tallboys and the Indian Lace are tied one all in the five game series.
Spitting, blood, technicals, ejections…just another installment in the Utah/Dallas playoff series.
Dallas coach Don Bellboy, before the game: “The Utah Jaccuzzis think they can manipulate the referees with a few free trips to the club owned Hacienda spa and free vitamin supplements. I’m here to tell you, and you can mark it down, the Dallas Plowhorses are going to send those geriatric has beens on holiday.”
Dallas coach Don Bellboy, after the game: “I need a chalupa.”
Utah Jacuzzi forward Karl Cornpone: “We won. They can talk about the refs, the cheerleaders, or their Aunt Thelma. Don’t matter. We got a lead, lost the lead, got the lead by three, they missed a three, we’re the heroes. I’ll take a 2-0 lead in the series any day. You guys want to see my victory dance? Usually I lose my towel midway through and after that juncture I take tips.”
Utah forward Dantell Thourogood: “Dallas is not going to give up in a playoff game. During the regular season the players often gave whip cracking lessons to kids courtside. I’ve noticed during the playoff they seem to be more focused on the rock, so we have to keep the pressure on them. That’s why we’ve removed all the cushions from the chairs in their locker room, cut the courtside bench in half, and suspended the delivery of water and Gatorade to their personnel at strategic points during the game. Home court, baby!”
Dallas forward Dork Novacaneski: “We left Utah after the first game and went home. I thought this would be a good idea, because I can’t stand the smell of that salt lake. Maybe I shouldn’t have told the press about this, because I think that’s why the fans booed me the whole game. I checked the full-length mirror after the game and I looked great. I smacked Rite Terrior as he ran by me in the lane going for a dunk, and I know the fans hate him. Late in the fourth quarter I dug a big luger out of my right nostril and flipped it into the basket from half court, and you don’t get that stuff just anywhere. I’ve got game!”
Utah Jacuzzi coach Terry Market: “Two minutes left to go in the game, I’m talking to my team about holding on to take the victory because the Plowhorses were poised to make a run, and I noticed a strange face in the huddle. Mike Castro! How does the owner of the Dallas Plowhorses get into my team huddle? Our scouts said he had a good first step, so I was tempted to put him in for John Shocky, but them Cornpone gave him a wedgie and I knew he wouldn’t have a winning attitude after that.”
Dallas Plowhorse owner Mike Castro: “I thought I was being cute, getting in their huddle like that. But now I need a case of Goldbonds powder and I’ll be a soprano ‘till next Tuesday!”
The Utah Jacuzzis have a 2-0 lead over the Dallas Plowhorses in the five game first round series.
Houston Crocketts coach Rudy Tomjohnabitch: “We spent last night in several white limos going from one putt putt course to another in South Houston. The media coverage alone was good for the guys, who are really beginning to feel like next year could be their year. All our players are getting plastic surgery done next week in the same hospital. I can’t reveal which one because we plan to take over the whole floor and we don’t want the press getting any candid bedpan shots, and then there is the matter of those pending paternity suits. Things are going great with this team, as we ride the playoffs out together!
The playoffs resume tonight in Sacramento and Milwaukee.
Warren added a note to his editor, Frank W. Coleman.
Hey Frank,
We had some trouble in Los Angeles Kevitch airport. Who’s trying to kill Roger Rabbit? Please advise.
Your wounded range riding friend,
Warren Piece
The Gulfstream VS-P began it’s decent into Sacramento’s Panhandle Airport. Albie addressed the crew over the intercom.
“OK you guys, we’re headed into Sacramento. We’ll be staying at Abigails, an especially cool old school hotel. They even have dance hall girls in the hotel bar, and poker games where you can get shot at for being suspected for dealing from the bottom of the deck, Mad Wolf. We have individual rooms. We’ll be taken to the Sinclair Arena by covered wagon. The mule train rolls at 1:30. Be there. That is all.”
“Good afternoon, you’re listening to A Piece of the Afternoon on KSPORT, Houston and KDUST, Sacramento. This is Warren Piece with Houston Crockett rookie Jamal Deadburn, reader of the stars Theotis Holland, my partner Mad Wolf Sherman, Lily Creamer, sports reporter, and our ever lovin’ producer, Albie Darling.
We would like to thank the KDUST afternoon team of Miner and the Mad Dog for taking the afternoon off and letting us take their airtime for a day. Albie, do we now the whereabouts of the KDUST sports boys?”
“They went to Squaw Valley to relive the 1960 Winter Olympics, then they were going to dive for frozen cowboys in Lake Tahoe.”
“Sounds like a great sporting day!”
“Of course they took along several eyewitnesses.”
“The winners of the ‘Dive for Frozen Cowboys in Lake Tahoe with Miner and the Mad Dog’ contest?”
“Tabitha and Tawney Chandler. Twins, I believe.”
“Sweet! Lily Creamer has a look at the Sacramento Queens.”
“Hello everyone. This is a very confident bunch of players. I used my lockercam to check out the situation in the locker room at the Sinclair Arena, and the entire team, including coaches trainers, reporters, and the team mascot were parading around in the altogether. I had to stop my surveillance after only four and a half minutes, wrap myself in an authentic miners blanket, and read out loud from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf to calm down.
I sense these guys really like each other, and that translates for those who are surrounded by them. When the Queens locker room is open there is karma The Mahareshie would love.
The number of Eastern Europeans on this team gives the locker room an old world quality. There is an animal magnetism here that can’t be manufactured by Creatine, Andro, tattoos, earrings, even shaving your chest, and by the way, I observed a couple of Queens shaving each others chest. Be that as it may, I rate the Sacramento Queens a dozen Trojans and keys to the hotel, as long as they promise to whisper in my ear in Croatian and give me a Polish sausage for snack.”
“Thank you, Lily. We’ll be back with your calls after this.”
Albie took the show to break.
“Alan from the Gatekeeper Museum at the mouth of the Truckee River, your on KSPORT Houston and KDUST Sacramento.”
“How you guys doin’ today?”
“Good Alan, how’s the rafting?”
“Going great! I’ve got a question for Jamal, and then I’ll hang up and listen. The Phoenix Stunguns barely escaped in the last game. Now we’ve got them here tonight, even though we’re down in the series one zip. Do you think we’ll get a better shake from the refs? The officiating in that last game cost us down the stretch. I’m beginning to think there is a conspiracy to keep Sacramento out of the conference finals. I think the Clampetts are afraid of us.”
Jamal said, “Well Alan, brother, you remind me of coach Pill Colorado of the LA Clampetts. Complaining about the officiating before, during, and after the game. If your boy Jody Willies can stop shooting the ball from half court, or toking up during timeouts, Chuck Warbler might have a shot at establishing an inside presence. The problem is not the officials, no matter what you hear from the coaches, the players, and the people who spot Elvis serving fries at Burger King.”
Warren said, “Campaigning early for those calls down the stretch next year, Jamal?”
“Hey, if someone is going to throw me a softball, I’m going to take it downtown, you know what I’m sayin’?”
Warren said, “Referee Jack Barnes is on line five. Welcome Jack, and thanks for calling. I know you guys need you’re beauty sleep before these playoff games.”
“Good afternoon guys, Lily. I’ve actually been watching game film with some of my zebra brothers. We’re laughing until we cry at Jody Willies shot selection. It’s better than Caddyshack. Hey, Jamal, we appreciate your support, but you’ve still got to stop trying to palm the ball every time down the floor. You’re not an ZBA legend yet, and you’re not going to get those calls. By the way, Elvis was at our tape session.”
Jamal said, “Mr. Barnes, I’ve examined tapes of games played at the Bush Center last year, and I noticed the game interrupted several times after you received some sort of signal from that earpiece you wear. What up?”
Jack Barnes said, “That’s my direct radio receiver. I bet on most ZBA games, and occasionally a crucial moment arrives in a game I’m monitoring. I’ve got to hear the broadcast in case I need to call my bookie and make a bet to cover any spreads. The commissioner knows about and approves of this, as I’m into him for fifty large.”
Mad Wolf said, “What does that service cost you a month?’
Jack said, “My dad pays for it, so I don’t know. I’m into him for sixty large.”
Warren said, “This is a touching side of you I was never aware of Jack. You’re working so hard just to please the commissioner and your dad! That must take a lot out of you.”
“I take ginseng, mega men vitamins, and mud baths at a spa outside of Phoenix courtesy of an ZBA owner I can’t name, so I stay in good shape.”
Jamal said, “Do you expect a physical game tonight, J?”
Jack said, “Once I start spreading some rumors on the floor about hard core photos of some of the players girlfriends and wives taped up in Jodie Willies locker, the game is going to get really physical, yeah. Say goodbye to your ticky tack fouls.”
Warren said, “Phoenix has a reputation for moving the ball down the floor through the masterful passing of Gerard Joker. Are the games that move up and down the floor more difficult for you to referee, especially since you’re on the road and probably imbibe a few more cocktails than normal at the nightly ZBA playoff celebration?”
“Hey, Warren, if the game gets too tough and I begin to get winded, I just kick the ball out of bounds and dare anybody to say anything. I can call technicals, throw players out of the game, and worst of all, call a TV timeout! I got the power!”
Warren said, “Thank you for postponing your Kayaking date down the Truckee. It’s been a fascinating trip to the free throw line, and we’ll be cheering for you tonight.”
Jack said, “Thank you Warren, Jamal, Mad Wolf, Theotis. And Lily, I know you’re in there somewhere, see ya’ll at the game tonight.”
Warren said, “Theotis reads the horoscope of the Sacramento Queens and your calls, next.”
Albie took the show to break, and Warren stood, stretched, and walked out of the studio to watch the Queens run shooting drills.
“Padre Simpson, you’re on KSPORT, Houston and KDUST, Sacramento.”
“Good afternoon my sons and daughters. God bless you, and God bless the Sacramento Queens.”
“Uh, ah, good afternoon Padre Simpson. It is ah, uh, nice to have another man of the cloth in the spiritual arena I now occupy.”
“Theotis, my brother, good afternoon.”
Mad Wolf said, “Padre, do you think a Sacramento collapse is pre-ordained, or just a matter of sloppy defense in crunch time?”
“Well, my son, the body is a temple that must be conditioned to endure during times of stress. History teaches us this lesson. Moses would have been out of his mind with fatigue had he not done stomach crunches every day for ten years while working that cushy job with the sheep.”
Warren said, “I’m getting that you don’t believe the Queens have good conditioning habits?”
“My son, I have observed the dust bunnies underneath the squat machine, the full tubs of Creatine in the locker room, and the uncrated Boflex machines. God has spoken to me through these visions.”
Albie waved at Warren through the glass, holding up four fingers.
Warren said, “Padre, on line four we have Dave ‘The Riddler’ Kroft, trainer for the Sacramento Queens. Good afternoon Mr. Riddler.”
“Good afternoon guys. Hey Padre, what the hell are you talking about?”
“My son, Mr. Riddler, I am honored to be speaking to you on this beautiful afternoon before the Queens play the Stunguns here in my parish.”
“Just because you’re the teams religious consultant you think you can come on the radio and trash my players physical readiness? You’ve been drinking too much sacramental wine, pal.”
“Perhaps you misunderstood my message, my son.”
“No, I didn’t. Your message is your kid dropped out of divinity school and decided to become a personal trainer and you’re shamelessly campaigning for him to take over my gig!”
Mad Wolf said, “I’ll try and call the Queens, kid…”
Jamal said, “I’m learning an awful lot about the teachings of the Old Testament today.”
Warren said, “Padre? How do you respond to the Riddler’s charges?”
“Yes, my son, I make it a policy not to discuss family business, as our heavenly father would not reveal his motivations to his son, the baby Jesus.”
Warren said, “Mr. Riddler?”
“Just a second, I’m getting a fax.”
Mad Wolf said, “I just got off the phone with Bartle Simpson.”
Jamal said, “What?”
Mad Wolf said, “Bartle Simpson, son of Padre Simpson. He asked me to give the Padre a message, since the phone line at the rectory is busy. He just got a job with the Sacramento Queens as head trainer.”
The Riddler said, “Son of a bitch, I just go fired by fax!”
The padre said, “My work here is done. I must go thank the Lord.”
Warren said, “Well, as the padre would say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Hey Riddler, want to go on the road with the crew. You can help us stay in shape as we tour the ZBA, pursue the kibitzing life, and I think I can convince our underwriter to give you a title and a salary while we spin this tour out. Whadya think? Albie’s starting to look a little flabby to me.”
Theotis got out of his chair and left the makeshift control room in the Sinclair Arena.
Albie keyed the mike. “I’ve just called up a picture of the Riddler from the Queens website, and he can crunch my abs anytime.”
The Riddler said, “Son of a bitch, I just got fired by fax!”
Mad Wolf said, “Bartlet said the first thing he was going to do was implement the use of intavenous steroids for all players with more than 2% body fat.”
The Riddler said, “Hang on, I’m getting another fax.”
Mad Wolf said, “You’d think after the last one he would have turned that thing off.”
The Riddler said, “Hey, I’ve just got another gig! I’m going on the road with a sports talk radio show as their personal trainer and physical adviser. Cool.”
Theotis retuned to his chair.
Warren said, “Theotis, what do you see in the stars for the Sacremento Queens?”
“Well, uh, ah, Warren, the Sacremento Queens were established in 1948 at 10:32 pm on June the ah, uh, 14th. This makes the team a Gemini, with Taurus rising. This is why they have a tendency to trash talk a lot, offending the officials, the fans, and the cheerleaders, who get the worst of it. That’s why Jodie Willies likes to have several teammates running with him in a fast break, it gives him several options. This team loves to interact with the fans, which explains why they’ve remained popular even in losing seasons. They have more young fans than any other team in the league, which explains why they have the only arena with a McDonalds and a playground near the south goal. I mean children can only watch the game for so long and it’s time for a kid’s meal and a jump into the plastic balls!
They are destined to make some major changes in the off season which will maintain the youthful exuberance in the franchise and take the weight of the past mistakes off the shoulders of the Queens management.
They will continue to suffer from a coach who over explains everything, keeping the team in the sideline huddles past every timeout limit. Coach Rack Addlebrain will continue to have marathon chalkboard sessions, so the players might as well load up on the no-doze, the Vicadin, the Adapax, whatever it takes.
This year may yet prove to be the year for the Queens with their Mercury on the cusp.
Go Queens, and pass me some of those Hershey’s kisses.”
Warren said, “Theotis, thank you. Miquel from Sutter Fort State Historic Park, you’re on KSPORT, Houston and KDUST, Sacremento.”
“Buenos Dueos everyone! Theotis, I am a minor expert on Meso-American Astrology and as we approach the end of the long count I’ve calculated the Queens chances of winning the ZBA Championship based on their nine day cycle, or their dark side. The unfortunate prediction is their dark side will rear it’s ugly head at just the wrong time for the team, and they will reach a very unhappy end in their quest.”
“Well, uh, ah, Miquel, I would be intrested in seeing your calculations. Is there any money in Meso American Astrology?”
“I’m talking to you from a my Blackberry while polishing my new Harley Sportster before I go to give tours of Sacramento’s original settlement, which I do as hobby to keep from being bored in semi retirement. I’m 35.”
“I’ll take the first bus from Old Sacremento.”
“How will I know you?”
“I’ll be the tall thin black man carrying the bag of roast beef sandwiches and holding a Snapple Grape drink.”
Warren said, “We’ll be back after this break.”
Albie started the commercials, and Warren stood to give Theotis bus fare and walking around money.
“Reba from Galveston, you’re on KSPORT Houston and KDUST Sacremento.”
“Hi, Warren. I’m calling from the beach. I’m conducting a cheerleading clinic here. You know, working drills in the sand is good for the muscles, and when the guys make mistakes with the girls they land in the sand. Nobody gets hurt, although their bikini tops frequently fly off while they’re in mid-air. We were having lunch yesterday at a Friday’s on Pier 21 and your name came up. We were wondering if, when you come back to Houston, we could get KSPORT to sponsor a cheerleading contest to find the best damn cheerleading squad in South Texas. We figure any guy who can get the station to foot the bill for a spin throughout the ZBA could find an underwriter for a cheerleader promotion.”
Jamal said, “I’ll help.”
Mad Wolf said, “I’m in.”
Lily said, “Rah Rah Rah, sis boom bah.”
Warren said, “Call me May fifth, when we’ll be back in the big town for a couple of days. Albie will give you my private number. Jamal, have you got your rundown on the Sacremento Queens?”
“Word up, Piece, I like to watch this team. They’ve got a narcissistic narcoleptic at guard in Jody Willies. He’s very concerned with getting his shots and at times appears to have fallen asleep in the middle of a dribble. When he does play up to his potential he can pick the best ZBA defense apart.
Vladeda Divet can bang inside and has a classic fifteen to twenty foot jumper, but he doesn’t use that too much because he’s busy clearing out the middle for drives and passing the ball to his teammates. These Eastern European guys play a different brand of ball. Lots of passes, which is good if you’re at the Playboy mansion or looking to get into the Super Bowl, passes are good there if you know what I’m saying. But shoot Vladeda, shoot. If you don’t Jody will!
I like the Coach, Rack Addlebrain. He’s a hard working coach who loves one on one. Vladeda clears out the middle and the guy with the ball tries to make a big move. I love big moves, that’s my game.”
The door to the pressbox/makeshift control room opened. Vladeda Divet entered, still sweating from practice and holding a Scampy Dickens autographed Spalding basketball in each hand.
Vladeda said, “We are listening to you on the floor.”
Warren said, “The voice of Vladeda Divet, who has just entered our broadcast domain. Good afternoon Vladeda.”
“Hello. I came to ask Jamal to come impersonate Cory Tropicana. We’re a little short of guys since Chuck Warbler had a hair appointment and Pajama Stolivic had to take his Volvo for it’s ten thousand seven hundred twenty two mile check up.”
Jamal said, “I think that’s against league rules, since I’m under contract to the Crocketts.”
Vladeda bounced one of the Spaldings off Jamal’s head.
“You’re in Sacremento now. We’re don’t worry so much about rules out here, we’re event oriented.”
Jamal said, “I’m worried some of the guys I don’t know on your team may get a little tense when I smoke ‘em on the way to the basket.”
Vladeda said, “We have great weather, and that helps people stay relaxed.”
Mad Wolf said, “Jamal, it’s to you.”
Warren said, “Kim from the league office, you’re on KSPORT and KDUST.”
“Yeah, hi, we’re listening to you guys through your webcast here in the ZBA Commissioner’s office. He’s in L.A. meeting with lawyers trying to draw up a new TV deal, but I called him on his cell. He said since the Crocketts are out of the playoffs it’s up to the organization. He’s seen Jamal play and he thinks Vladeda could probably teach him a thing or two about team basketball.”
Lily said, “Jamal could probably pick up some personal hygiene tips while he’s at it.”
Jamal said, “Girl, I’ll deal with you later.”
Vladeda said, “I’ll take you to a bar after practice where there are a lot of girls named Helga who love to foul ZBA players. I have a game to play, but you can stay as long as you like.”
Jamal said, “Vladeda, let’s go play with the rock.”
Warren said, “We’ll return with your calls, after this for Studson hats, sponsor of the Piece of the Afternoon ZBA Shoot Around Tour.”
Albie took the show to break.
“Joining us now is the latest addition to the Piece of the Afternoon how, Dave ‘The Riddler’ Kroft, ex physical trainer for the Sacremento Queens.”
Mad Wolf said, “Do you need any sidearms?”
Dave said, “I lost my favorite Colt 45 in a card game last week. You got anything like that?”
Mad Wolf said, “You’re scaring me. That is the one weapon I happen to have a surplus of. If Theotis was here he’d tell me my lunar cycle was at it’s apex. I’ve got the catalog in my room at the hotel. Maybe you could recommend a good supplement in exchange for some free rounds, something along those lines.”
Dave said, “Mad Wolf, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”
Warren said, “Guys, Debra from Grass Valley is on line three.”
“Hi. I like your show. I was wondering if you were going to the game tonight?”
Lily said, “We wouldn’t miss it. We’re finally in a city where they are going to play an actually playoff game. I might actually take my hair down for this!”
Mad Wolf said, “I’m going to go begin my pre-game preparations.”
Lily said, “Me too.”
Dave said, “Hey Wolf, mind if I come over to check out that catalog? Maybe we’ll have a Scotch in the bar.”
Debra said, “I could meet you guys. I just got my ‘63 red corvette out of storage for the summer.”
Mad Wolf said, “Hang on, Debra, Albie will give you a contact number.”
Warren said, “I can’t believe it’s already time to go, but time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slipin’, into the future.
Lily said, “Thank you, Steve Miller.”
“I would like to thank you for listening, and good luck tonight to the Queens. This is Warren Piece for Mad Wolf Sherman, Lily Creamer, Theotis Holland, Jamal Washburn, and Dave ‘The Riddler’ Kroft. Hi to Louie from Houston and Yasmine, wherever you are, and thank you Albie Darling, our producer, for keeping us between the ditches. Good afternoon everybody!”
Albie went to work, returning KSPORT and KDUST to their normal programming. Warren stood and stretched. Mad Wolf and Dave walked through the exit to the press box talking to each other about their favorite weapons and supplements. Warren watched Albie for four minutes as she talked on the phone, gave instructions to the engineers, and sipped on a double lunar latté. When she had settled down he walked through the pressbox door and approached.
Albie was signing some program logs and spoke without looking up. “Louie and Jasmine wanted you to join them in Old Sacremento for dinner.”
“OK. You coming?’
Albie looked up. “I’m going for a swim and then taking a nap before the game. Thanks anyway.”
Warren smiled and said, “So, I’ll see you at the game?”
Albie shifted her weight. “Yeah. Why do you look so incredulous?’
Warren started to walk away. “You’ve got quite the reputation, my dear Albie Darling.”
Warren reached into his pocket, pulled out a ribbed Sheik condom, and handed it to Albie. He ducked as a large pad of Post-its narrowly missed his ear and struck the wall. Warren laughed and headed to the floor to watch Jamal run around with a bunch of Queens.
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